It's been a Year. A year of struggling every single day to get up
A struggle to Stay Alive.... A struggle to find any sort of peace.
Questions unanswered, leave me with no resolve…..
So, my mind goes in circles of “Why’s”, “what if’s” and “if Only’s”.
Other events have occurred prior to today, but they are not the same.
No Today is very much different……
Today starts the day of 7 suicides in 5 months for me in 2015. Jamison, was the first a 13 year old boy; The second my Uncle Nov. 3rd; The fourth another 15 year old from Laurel; The fifth my Second Cousin who I actually knew; the 6th a Young man named Collin who I watched grow up; and was close with his family through the music we shared. The 7th a friend of mine's husband.
SEVEN Suicides in less than 5 months. then you add in the other deaths, Nick Feb 23; Masen April 12. The anniversary of my second head surgery, which did not solve any problems other than taking the metal out….and not even all of it.
It only made things worse,……. More deficits, less success.
A severe Concussion, that some don’t even believe me about. Because “I have a Brain injury” so I must be remembering wrong.
But I see, better than most,…
I’m not blind to the fact that people tend to use me.
I don’t mind helping others, as that’s one thing I can still do. But not always with what they need, or when they need it.
I can’t predict migraines, or really bad days.
I can predict weather changes, as my headaches go through the roof. It’s very hard to find peace…. when you feel constant pain…in more than one.
Physical pain I can handle a lot of…
Mental and emotional pain for 365 days…… well I don’t know how much longer I can take it.
My TBI turned my life upside down, and just kept shaking it around, never giving me a break….not even now.
Some, still don’t believe I have headaches every day,…
Don’t believe me when I say I can’t work……
Don’t believe me…… period.
People don’t see the pain, the injury the deficits…
Why?....People only see what they want to, they are blind.
I’m asked How I’m doing…..but no one wants the real answers so I act the part say I’m fine.
For most, that’s good enough.
Some know it’s not the truth, but go along anyway…..it’s easier.
I get told of countless things that will help,…..Get me “back to the old me”.
I constantly hear “keep fighting, you’ll get through….:You have so many great qualities to share.
Really?...... Interesting since I have no one to share them with.
And……Get through what exactly?
You don’t know “what”…..I haven’t even told you 10% of what I have to deal with every day.
10% is usually more than most can handle.
And the percentage rate is only going up for me, but I keep it down for you.
Most nights I spend on the floor in my room alone.
I have for over a year…..sometimes music is there, other times it’s not.
I spent nights on bridges,…
Nights in rivers with the supplies needed to carry out my task.
I’ve spent countless hours making sure everything is “in place”, because I know how hard it is.
No one has seen all of me…and I don’t see the point in telling it all.
People are blind, they don’t see, and some don’t want to see……They prefer to live in a fantasy of… “who I was”.
Some knew I was struggling, but NO ONE knew how much.
I’ve come close several times of being the 8th Suicide…. “8” one of my favorite numbers. Seems fitting.
For me my life has No purpose,….
No meaning, nothing to be proud of,
Just one failure after the other.
People tell me how wonderful I am,…. that we should hang out more….
That’d be great but it never happens.
So, you tell me…… what’s so wonderful about my life,
You tell me, knowing only this little bit, how you would continue?
I have no one to really depend on; Mary would be the closest.
I won’t I let my guard down again,….,
I only get hurt, abandoned, and burned.
My year is now on repeat; I’ve tried lots of different things to “get better”, to “be Happy”.
Nothing works, not long term….Not even music.
I have one day a week I look forward to…..that is all.
That day I get to go play music with an amazing musician, but also an amazing Friend.
A friend who gives advice, but only when asked.
If I could stay in those moments…..it would be great.
The reality is I try….and fail.
More and More things,….. are being Taken away,
it seems….. almost daily.
New medical issues, that people don’t know of. But are pretty significant.
But hey…..it’s not another head problem right?.....wrong everything is connected. That’s how our bodies work.
I’ve tried to re-connect with people, but everyone’s lives are moving forward.
They’ve passed me, and I’m just stuck here, in this Blackness that is my life.
My brain won’t let me forget the things I want to forget,….
It won’t let me remember what I need to……and plays games with my heart.
So, The questions still remain…..The burning pain inside me remains.
I can handle you saying you don’t want to hang out. I’ve never had a lot of friends.
What I can’t handle is the constant limbo…..
You saying you’re here for me, when in all actuality you are not.
You are unavailable…..Unwilling, or have finally just gotten tired of me. I don’t know which it is.
I know this, what I see on facebook is not what I’m being told.
So, I’m glad you’re happy living you’re life, I wish that for everyone.
But please don’t ask me about my life, or say we’ll “get together”, when it won’t happen.
I know I’m only a part of people’s lives for so long. Usually because they get tired of me saying I can’t do something.
It’s not like I don’t want to People,….Try keeping that in mind.
So, I try to Push through, I was an athlete that’s what you do.
But you can’t push through a TBI, or the other things I now suffer with.
I can’t play any sports or work out…. I literally throw up,
I haven’t watched any sports,…..It’s too hard……
It’s too hard to watch my friends play, when I know I will never get to play again.
You have no idea how much that sucks for me.
My whole life was centered around Sports and Music.
I still have music, In some ways…..but I can’t play the main instrument I was good at…
My 5K dollar sax just sits in my closet.
I try to play….to push through…..I pay the price every time.
Ah, but people don’t see that, They didn’t see it a year ago, and they don’t see it now….
They just see the good things I post or do ……
( i.e. my fundraiser for my sisters, new pictures, videos of songs, etc.)
So I must be doing ok right?…….WRONG it’s what I came up with that night to get through the pain.
My year is now on repeat; I’ve tried lots of different things to “get better”, to “be Happy”.
Nothing works, not long term….Not even music.
So I create more pain, because it confuses my brain….In that moment I can actually Breath.
A real Breath……. letting some of the tension go.
Otherwise I cannot.
Shallow breaths, fear, anxiety depression, agitation, and more keep me from it.
It seems as though the more I try…. The more gets taken away.
If I was to play my hand of cards, I would fold…. I don’t even know what the cards are, as they drip with black and red ink, undistinguishable.
I’m tired of trying, tired of people saying they need me, when they really don’t.
I’m tired of living a life that is not mine….
I was going to be a Marine in 2007.
Instead….I am now a 36year old, who has nothing, can’t live on my own….. I’m chained, and I’m trying to break free…… But The chain is too tight, and too thick.
I hate my life…..People don’t want to hear it, and they don’t understand it.
I can’t make you understand….I’ve tried to give you the tools and words.
I’ve tried a lot longer than most……but it’s still not good enough.
I’m still trying…the very act of me writing this, is me trying to kill time, to beat it somehow.
My brain won’t let me forget the things I want to forget, It won’t let me remember what I need to.
I’m just stuck here, in this Blackness that is my life.
My body is failing me….in many ways.
So don’t say you love me, when you don’t’.
What you love ,is the idea of “the old me”…..
or me “getting better……finding love and happiness.
Some people don’t get those things….and so…….
The questions still remain…
A struggle to Stay Alive.... A struggle to find any sort of peace.
Questions unanswered, leave me with no resolve…..
So, my mind goes in circles of “Why’s”, “what if’s” and “if Only’s”.
Other events have occurred prior to today, but they are not the same.
No Today is very much different……
Today starts the day of 7 suicides in 5 months for me in 2015. Jamison, was the first a 13 year old boy; The second my Uncle Nov. 3rd; The fourth another 15 year old from Laurel; The fifth my Second Cousin who I actually knew; the 6th a Young man named Collin who I watched grow up; and was close with his family through the music we shared. The 7th a friend of mine's husband.
SEVEN Suicides in less than 5 months. then you add in the other deaths, Nick Feb 23; Masen April 12. The anniversary of my second head surgery, which did not solve any problems other than taking the metal out….and not even all of it.
It only made things worse,……. More deficits, less success.
A severe Concussion, that some don’t even believe me about. Because “I have a Brain injury” so I must be remembering wrong.
But I see, better than most,…
I’m not blind to the fact that people tend to use me.
I don’t mind helping others, as that’s one thing I can still do. But not always with what they need, or when they need it.
I can’t predict migraines, or really bad days.
I can predict weather changes, as my headaches go through the roof. It’s very hard to find peace…. when you feel constant pain…in more than one.
Physical pain I can handle a lot of…
Mental and emotional pain for 365 days…… well I don’t know how much longer I can take it.
My TBI turned my life upside down, and just kept shaking it around, never giving me a break….not even now.
Some, still don’t believe I have headaches every day,…
Don’t believe me when I say I can’t work……
Don’t believe me…… period.
People don’t see the pain, the injury the deficits…
Why?....People only see what they want to, they are blind.
I’m asked How I’m doing…..but no one wants the real answers so I act the part say I’m fine.
For most, that’s good enough.
Some know it’s not the truth, but go along anyway…..it’s easier.
I get told of countless things that will help,…..Get me “back to the old me”.
I constantly hear “keep fighting, you’ll get through….:You have so many great qualities to share.
Really?...... Interesting since I have no one to share them with.
And……Get through what exactly?
You don’t know “what”…..I haven’t even told you 10% of what I have to deal with every day.
10% is usually more than most can handle.
And the percentage rate is only going up for me, but I keep it down for you.
Most nights I spend on the floor in my room alone.
I have for over a year…..sometimes music is there, other times it’s not.
I spent nights on bridges,…
Nights in rivers with the supplies needed to carry out my task.
I’ve spent countless hours making sure everything is “in place”, because I know how hard it is.
No one has seen all of me…and I don’t see the point in telling it all.
People are blind, they don’t see, and some don’t want to see……They prefer to live in a fantasy of… “who I was”.
Some knew I was struggling, but NO ONE knew how much.
I’ve come close several times of being the 8th Suicide…. “8” one of my favorite numbers. Seems fitting.
For me my life has No purpose,….
No meaning, nothing to be proud of,
Just one failure after the other.
People tell me how wonderful I am,…. that we should hang out more….
That’d be great but it never happens.
So, you tell me…… what’s so wonderful about my life,
You tell me, knowing only this little bit, how you would continue?
I have no one to really depend on; Mary would be the closest.
I won’t I let my guard down again,….,
I only get hurt, abandoned, and burned.
My year is now on repeat; I’ve tried lots of different things to “get better”, to “be Happy”.
Nothing works, not long term….Not even music.
I have one day a week I look forward to…..that is all.
That day I get to go play music with an amazing musician, but also an amazing Friend.
A friend who gives advice, but only when asked.
If I could stay in those moments…..it would be great.
The reality is I try….and fail.
More and More things,….. are being Taken away,
it seems….. almost daily.
New medical issues, that people don’t know of. But are pretty significant.
But hey…..it’s not another head problem right?.....wrong everything is connected. That’s how our bodies work.
I’ve tried to re-connect with people, but everyone’s lives are moving forward.
They’ve passed me, and I’m just stuck here, in this Blackness that is my life.
My brain won’t let me forget the things I want to forget,….
It won’t let me remember what I need to……and plays games with my heart.
So, The questions still remain…..The burning pain inside me remains.
I can handle you saying you don’t want to hang out. I’ve never had a lot of friends.
What I can’t handle is the constant limbo…..
You saying you’re here for me, when in all actuality you are not.
You are unavailable…..Unwilling, or have finally just gotten tired of me. I don’t know which it is.
I know this, what I see on facebook is not what I’m being told.
So, I’m glad you’re happy living you’re life, I wish that for everyone.
But please don’t ask me about my life, or say we’ll “get together”, when it won’t happen.
I know I’m only a part of people’s lives for so long. Usually because they get tired of me saying I can’t do something.
It’s not like I don’t want to People,….Try keeping that in mind.
So, I try to Push through, I was an athlete that’s what you do.
But you can’t push through a TBI, or the other things I now suffer with.
I can’t play any sports or work out…. I literally throw up,
I haven’t watched any sports,…..It’s too hard……
It’s too hard to watch my friends play, when I know I will never get to play again.
You have no idea how much that sucks for me.
My whole life was centered around Sports and Music.
I still have music, In some ways…..but I can’t play the main instrument I was good at…
My 5K dollar sax just sits in my closet.
I try to play….to push through…..I pay the price every time.
Ah, but people don’t see that, They didn’t see it a year ago, and they don’t see it now….
They just see the good things I post or do ……
( i.e. my fundraiser for my sisters, new pictures, videos of songs, etc.)
So I must be doing ok right?…….WRONG it’s what I came up with that night to get through the pain.
My year is now on repeat; I’ve tried lots of different things to “get better”, to “be Happy”.
Nothing works, not long term….Not even music.
So I create more pain, because it confuses my brain….In that moment I can actually Breath.
A real Breath……. letting some of the tension go.
Otherwise I cannot.
Shallow breaths, fear, anxiety depression, agitation, and more keep me from it.
It seems as though the more I try…. The more gets taken away.
If I was to play my hand of cards, I would fold…. I don’t even know what the cards are, as they drip with black and red ink, undistinguishable.
I’m tired of trying, tired of people saying they need me, when they really don’t.
I’m tired of living a life that is not mine….
I was going to be a Marine in 2007.
Instead….I am now a 36year old, who has nothing, can’t live on my own….. I’m chained, and I’m trying to break free…… But The chain is too tight, and too thick.
I hate my life…..People don’t want to hear it, and they don’t understand it.
I can’t make you understand….I’ve tried to give you the tools and words.
I’ve tried a lot longer than most……but it’s still not good enough.
I’m still trying…the very act of me writing this, is me trying to kill time, to beat it somehow.
My brain won’t let me forget the things I want to forget, It won’t let me remember what I need to.
I’m just stuck here, in this Blackness that is my life.
My body is failing me….in many ways.
So don’t say you love me, when you don’t’.
What you love ,is the idea of “the old me”…..
or me “getting better……finding love and happiness.
Some people don’t get those things….and so…….
The questions still remain…
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