Sometimes, at night, I wonder what it would be like to just fall asleep without a care. I mean Really sleep, to dream, and wake up feeling energetic, refreshed, ready for whatever comes your way. I wonder how can people be so happy in the morning, but then I guess you could consider the hours that I write things; or do art as early morning hours.
But I don't find peace, relaxation, or happiness at these times. I'm just awake. My Mind wandering from one thing to the next, unable to keep up, unable to slow it down. So tired but can't sleep. So, I write, I create beats, or I play my guitar. Funny, before I would have picked up a new book and finished it in two days. Now it's not even fun to read, because I can't remember what I read.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to say what you think, or feel; but to say it in a way that is respectful to those around you who may disagree. Sometimes I wonder What people think, when they see me. Especially when I'm at Liquid Planetj working away, and watching people come and go as I stay. Some have called me lazy, others courageous; some say they love me, others say they hate me; and so it goes in every area of my life. I live in a constant state of imbalance, waiting for the next thing. Whether that be new meds, PT, Voc Rehab, or surgery, one never really knows.
Sometimes I wonder, what it would be like to not have mental illness. To not have to worry about depression, or suicidal thoughts, To not hear voices, and things, to not be fatigued all the time. I wonder where I fit on the line of Genius and Crazy; because I think it's a fine line.
Sometimes I wonder, if I'd never fallen, how would the last 8 years of my life been different. Would I have joined the military....probably, I would still be playing sports, I'd have my own place and be able to financially support myself. I might even adopt a kid, I don't know. But it doesn't really matter does it, because the fact is I did suffer TBI 8 years ago, I do suffer from chronic daily headaches/migraines, nausea, fatigue, balance, Memory problems, Severe Depression, Suicidal thoughts, and that I'm on Disability and have to have people supporting me. I wonder what it would like to be completely independent, to not have to rely on anyone. I wonder if people knew me, all of me, would they still feel the same way about me? I may never know, as my walls are thick and high,
Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to sleep.