It was only a matter of time, till I felt sick from the burning pain deep from within,
It was only a matter of time till I became numb to it all, and had to create my pain, to make sure I could still feel at all.
It was only a matter of time, as people walked by, stopping every now and then; saying “you look great”, “all healed up”, “you’ll be back to the old you in no time.”
It was only a matter of time before I couldn’t take any more, so here read between the lines….while I fade into no more.
Ok let me break it down for you, I’ll try to go slow,
I might forget the rhyme scheme if I speed it up….ready?..... here we go.
The “old me” doesn’t exist, except in your primitive minds,
Can’t figure out that 13 concussion, plus two head surgeries, makes me not so “fine”
Her you go another lesson in life; if a person falls from the sky, hits their head and doesn’t die, what’s that leave you with?……Oh, well it all depends on the life.
A person who doesn’t know themselves and can’t remember words, or memories,
A person searching, only finding shadows, not recognizing, yearning for meaning.
But yea,…Ok mine wasn’t so bad, and Yea I “look” fine,
but you don’t know half the shit I’ve dealt with every moment of every day, read between that line.
Even while your sleeping at night, My mind is a thousand miles away.
So while you have sweet dreams and are held by another.
I’m wide awake in bed with a guitar, pen and pad…. and no other.
I’m stuck awake in bed again…..so tired of this shit it’s 4am!!
I took all the meds, so don’t ask me that fucking question,…ever again.
What the hell, now the room is just spinning.
Do I even try to write, nope can’t see the lines
I’d close my eyes, but even the darkness is spinning.
Fuck it; I take another hoping this one knocks me out, I’m so very tired, this isn’t the life I Dreamt about.
So, The “old me” you so fondly recall, it’s just a dream…. it’s now dead and gone.
No more basketball or Softball Star;
No more Teacher or Coach,
No more a Saxophone player or music teacher;….
not really anything at all.
Limited music but enough to keep me moving… it’s my only sanity it this hell hole I now find myself in.
Thank God for Music. It’s saved me more than once.
The last time not so long ago, and now, I don’t know where to look.
But it will only work for so long, the flashbacks and memories are starting to drown out the songs.
No one can fix me, and I don’t want to be fixed
So just leave me alone, go do your life, and forget about the rest.
My life is a tale much like Jekle and Hyde,
One moment fine, the next a lunatic with a fucked up mind.
Things are blurry, but not my past, molested throughout my childhood….and you wonder why I don’t trust anybody.
But it’s a secret can’t tell nobody, who’ d believe me anyway…
So shame and guilt, teach me to lock people away.
They ask “do you really think that happened, it’s probably your mind playing tricks on you”, so just put it on a shelf and forget about this made up story.
Don’t you think someone would have rescued you?”
You can’t rescue someone unless you know they are drowning.
Even then, unless you have the strength and means, all your efforts end up failing.
So 2016, new year, same old problems with memories and dates,
Same guilt and shame,….. builds, with anger and confusion,….with Rage
Lack of clarity, nothing to define, yet everyone wants me to keep trying
So I suck it up, one more time, do what everyone else wants
While inside I feel sick, but I smile, while my mind goes through all my faults
My dogs don’t care, and in that I find some comfort….but time stands still
I lock myself in my room and work on new Refrains, and Lines, Beats with 6/8 time
Yet all of it seems in vain…..as I know I can only play for so long,
Can only play my part for so long, only be who everyone wants for so long
Then there comes a cliff, a breaking point, one I can’t define,
I don’t know when it will come, I can’t predict that sort of thing
So night will fall, and the sun will rise tomorrow
And I wish you all a good life, and have only one request……
That is to let me be, nor more fixing, or doctors, no more trying
If I am up to something I’ll do my best to be happy,
But don’t ask me to be something I’m not, and please don’t tell me I look fine.
Best wishes to you all.