Where to live.....Do I move to a new state.....Do I stay here in MT and just find a new place? Do I make Elizabeth ad Arianna move, so I can stay at my Sister’s house (my grandparents old house), and rent from her. The one I remodeled, take care of, make sure the lawn is how my Grandpa would have kept it. Put the flag out, do the little things. But I’m more weak than I have been in a long time, How can I maintain a house this size, when just cleaning the upstairs makes me literally throw up, and black out; Same with Mowing the Lawn. I want Independence, and I want my dogs with me, but I’m chained to a system that a doesn’t let you get out from under it. I’m chained to my family.....don’t get me wrong I’m more than grateful for their help...But I don’t want it, I want to be able to live MY life, without DISRUPTING theirs. I don’t want them Worrying about me, or paying on bills I can’t pay. But I’ve found no solution as of yet so..........What do I do?
If I move, how do I afford it, I can't work.....My art rarely sells, and I don’t make much off of the ones I do sell. My music is getting better and better thanks to Jenn, and all her helpful words of wisdom. But I have no gigs, and the ones I do have are free......Sometimes I’ll make some money off of tips, but the majority of the time, I’m just sharing my music. Which, by the way, I think is EXTREMELY important....What good is my music if no one hears it? I never thought I would be out playing gigs, doing what I’m doing.....Yet here I am, and I put everything I have into each performance, and each art show. It helps that I’m OCD and somewhat of a perfectionist, but it also hinders....because Usually I end up doing MORE than my body can handle; and even though it’s been 9 years since my original TBI, and just over a year from my last Surgery; I am still not good at judging when I should stop. I’m an athlete, (although sports are pretty much gone now, because they make me sick, double vision and all sorts of other fun physical symptoms); but you push through, rehab etc., that’s what I was taught, and it’s engrained in my head. The only problem is,.....You can’t do that with Brain Injuries; and no one sees your injury, so they don’t understand.....they may try, but they don’t, they can’t completely. Now, I know I can’t work more than 2 hours....without getting sick, and losing cognitive function. It doesn’t have to be physical work either, music, making the videos, going to appointments, even just a simple task like Filing things, VOC rehab and the WORK center couldn’t get me past 2 hours They all take a toll, all add to my headaches and other fun things I get to try an navigate through. I’ve been Kicked out of VOC rehab 3 times here, and once in Billings; “why you ask”, because there aren’t jobs that are 2 hours, and I am in a “higher functioning category”, so I don’t qualify for some things. Yes I look “FINE”,......I’m NOT ok? I went from working 3 jobs coaching and playing two different sports to not being able to do any of it. I can sort of play slow pitch softball, but this year I don’t even know if I can do that. I have to take myself out of games, because I get double vision, headaches go up/Migraines, I throw up, and shake. Not really all that fun. My memory is horrible, short term especially. In order to remember things, or “jog my memory”, I look back at my planner, phone, and Calander, (yes 3 different things), otherwise I have no idea what happened two days ago, or sometimes even the day before. If something significant happens I might remember it. But as is, I’ve now MISSED paying two bills,.....I NEVER miss my payments. I don’t know what’s wrong...So again I ask WHY? What has Changed or what am I doing different.......but I get no Answers.
I Have been regressing physically these past few weeks.....I don't know why, I've fallen 3 times, am blacking out a lot, luckily I can feel it coming on usually. But there are other symptoms, I can't explain, or even really have words for. Nothing in my day has changed, no med changes,.....So I wonder WHY?.....not because I can't handle it, but because I have no answers to the questions formulating in my brain, and that people are asking me. I never really got back to my baseline after my last surgery, so my baseline dropped, in several areas. Now, I’ve rehabbed the ones I can, but like I said, you can’t push through, You can’t “make it all better”. TBI’s don’t go into Remission. They are invisible, and, mine has cause numerous other medical problem, that I guarantee I would not have, if I hadn’t fallen. What to know How I can guarantee that.....I have an Identical twin......comes in handy sometimes.
I need to move.....a change......maybe even find some people my age, or someone to be with. If I don’t..... fine, I’m used to being alone, but sometimes I think it would be nice not to be alone. Now I’ll always have Mary.....But I want her to live HER life, and not even FACTOR in my stuff; But she own’t do that, she can’t, it’s not how we were raised, and were are extremely close. But if things don’t start to improve, I’m not sure I’ll be around much longer.
So, what do I do when I only have 1130/month (That’s around $13, 500 per year). I make it sort of work here, because I’m renting from my sister. I still pay $620 every month of rent and utilities; plus maintain the house. I’m basically forced to live with other people right now, I HATE IT......I need space. Rent around here is ridiculous, I don't know that I can own a house because I'm on SSDI. If I can, I would have to have MORE of my Parents help.....I don't like feeling chained. Usually I'm pretty good at decision making....but I have to take into account my two dogs as well, one of which won't be around much longer; but while she is here I want her with me, which means I need a yard, and no stairs (that is actually better for both of us). Also, traveling is quite hard, so to think of moving to another state, is somewhat overwhelming.
So PLEASE, you guys tell me.....What do I do? Where do I go?......I love MT, Never really wanted to live anywhere else, except for the fact I'm always cold. I don't want charity, I don't want handouts, I don't want people thinking they need to fix the situation. What I need are IDEAS.....Because my Brain won't let me think right know....I’m in a fog, as well as being in complete turmoil, so I’m not thinking clearly. I’m agitated all the time, and am having more Migraines than before. The weather doesn’t help.....but most people don’t believe it can affect my headaches; well it can. I’m told all the time I should be working.......What do you want me to do exactly; Make myself sick everyday, completely run down what little energy and immune system I have left; because remember I don’t sleep either. (that means NO RECOVERY). It’s been almost 48 hours now, with no sleep, and I don’t know if I’ll get any tonight or not. None of my medical problems, emotional problems, mental problems are being solved, and I’m trying.....extremely hard. I’m doing all sorts of things that are outside the box thinking, as well as inside the box, trying to get a hold of something, anything......so far I haven’t. But, I keep dong the things I’m told to do. I try to do things that used to make me feel somewhat better. Music is a catch 22, I love it, but it can totally backfire with my head and hands. Music can help sometimes, but not all the time anymore., instead now to combat the internal pain and head pain and overall frustration I have to create a different kind of pain, to Distract my Brain. I don’t like it......but it helps for a bit anyway. I’m growing numb to everything around me. Agitation runs my days, I feel bad for anyone around me. So I lock myself in my room, so as not to hurt anyone, by saying something stupid. Because, the other part about my Brain Injury, is that when my brain gets over stimulated, which it is, and I am exhausted, and in a fog and all these things; I lose what little Control I had, I React without thinking, the only words that come are swear words. No one needs to be around that.
So I’m trying to figure all this out, I’m trying to find HOPE, Trying to figure out “WHO I Am, Who should I be”? Because, as T.I’s song “Dead and Gone” says: “I’ve been travelen on this road too long, trying to find my way back home. The old me is DEAD and GONE, DEAD and Gone. and oh, I’ve been traveling on this road too long, just trying to find my way back home, The old me is dead and Gone, Dead and Gone........I turn my head to the East I don't see nobody by my side, I turn my head to the west still nobody insight, So I turn my head to the North, swallow that pill they call pride, that old me’s dead and gone but I new it’d be all right. Cause, I’ve been travelen on this road too long, trying to find my way back home. The old me is DEAD and GONE, DEAD and Gone. and oh, I’ve been traveling on this road too long, just trying to find my way back home, The old me is dead and Gone, Dead and Gone.”
The other song that has some Lyrics that fit my life - is “Gangsta’s Paradise by Coolio. Just listen to it, I don’t want to type it all out, and finally A song that is “me” right now is “Purpose, by Justin Bieber.....again I’m not going to write it pit , but it’s about having purpose, and not having it, and not knowing what to do, etc.
So I ask again, What should I do?