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Jessie McGee Interpretive Art
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Sometimes I wonder.....

5/4/2015

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Sometimes, at night, I wonder what it would be like to just fall asleep without a care. I mean Really sleep, to dream, and wake up feeling energetic, refreshed, ready for whatever comes your way. I wonder how can people be so happy in the morning, but then I guess you could consider the hours that I write things; or do art as early morning hours.
But I don't find peace, relaxation, or happiness at these times. I'm just awake. My Mind wandering from one thing to the next, unable to keep up, unable to slow it down. So tired but can't sleep. So, I write, I create beats, or I play my guitar. Funny, before I would have picked up a new book and finished it in two days. Now it's not even fun to read, because I can't remember what I read. 
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to say what you think, or feel; but to say it in a way that is respectful to those around you who may disagree. Sometimes I wonder What people think, when they see me. Especially when I'm at Liquid Planetj working away, and watching people come and go as I stay. Some have called me lazy, others courageous; some say they love me, others say they hate me; and so it goes in every area of my life. I live in a constant state of imbalance, waiting for the next thing. Whether that be new meds, PT, Voc Rehab, or surgery, one never really knows.
Sometimes I wonder, what it would be like to not have mental illness. To not have to worry about depression, or suicidal thoughts, To not hear voices, and things, to not be fatigued all the time. I wonder where I fit on the line of Genius and Crazy; because I think it's a fine line.  
Sometimes I wonder, if I'd never fallen, how would the last 8 years of my life been different. Would I have joined the military....probably, I would still be playing sports, I'd have my own place and be able to financially support myself. I might even adopt a kid, I don't know. But it doesn't really matter does it, because the fact is I did suffer TBI 8 years ago, I do suffer from chronic daily headaches/migraines, nausea, fatigue, balance, Memory problems, Severe Depression, Suicidal thoughts, and that I'm on Disability and have to have people supporting me. I wonder what it would like to be completely independent, to not have to rely on anyone. I wonder if people knew me, all of me, would they still feel the same way about me? I may never know, as my walls are thick and high,  
Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to sleep.



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Scrambled Brain = Scrambled Thoughts

5/4/2015

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Scrambled images and flashing lights that blind.
Eyes shielded by hands to small to block the insanity
Broken,… unwanted,….. tainted….., terms that seem to fly on endless waves of air;
Amongst voices,…. shouting incomprehensible phrases. 
Straining to listen,…to figure out what it is…… 
What it is, that is wanted,….what and how to reply?
Noise…. nothing but deafening noise, no clarity in words, just piercing tones and frequency’s, distorted and out of sync…..please just make it stop!
Shadows gain ground, with objects in hand…..
Walking trying to find a way out of this vicious cycle;
Moving in and out of darkened alleys, and shot out street lamps
Shadows lurk along the sidewalks, and in the corners.
Constantly following, coming closer and closer.
The cold breath of death enters the lungs, 
Lungs that used to hold warm air; bringing a voice to people who didn’t have one.
Lungs that at full capacity put out music, so gentle and true
Honest, raw, and hard…. giving strength, to many, not just a few.
A voice that was strong, not the one now weak and fragile
When did things change……Why……for what purpose?
Scrambled images and flashing lights that blind….;
Curled up in a corner where a crack of light shines through
The voices are still strong, nothing makes them go away
What to do, inhale for strength, or exhale; finally finished with a life that never made any sense?

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    I am currently on a journey to rediscover who I am, what I want to do, and how I can become the best person I can be.  The trick is to accomplish these tasks without sacrificing myself to the expectations of an unrealistic, and materialistic society.  

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