Sometimes I wonder.....

5/4/2015

Sometimes, at night, I wonder what it would be like to just fall asleep without a care. I mean Really sleep, to dream, and wake up feeling energetic, refreshed, ready for whatever comes your way. I wonder how can people be so happy in the morning, but then I guess you could consider the hours that I write things; or do art as early morning hours.
But I don't find peace, relaxation, or happiness at these times. I'm just awake. My Mind wandering from one thing to the next, unable to keep up, unable to slow it down. So tired but can't sleep. So, I write, I create beats, or I play my guitar. Funny, before I would have picked up a new book and finished it in two days. Now it's not even fun to read, because I can't remember what I read.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to say what you think, or feel; but to say it in a way that is respectful to those around you who may disagree. Sometimes I wonder What people think, when they see me. Especially when I'm at Liquid Planetj working away, and watching people come and go as I stay. Some have called me lazy, others courageous; some say they love me, others say they hate me; and so it goes in every area of my life. I live in a constant state of imbalance, waiting for the next thing. Whether that be new meds, PT, Voc Rehab, or surgery, one never really knows.
Sometimes I wonder, what it would be like to not have mental illness. To not have to worry about depression, or suicidal thoughts, To not hear voices, and things, to not be fatigued all the time. I wonder where I fit on the line of Genius and Crazy; because I think it's a fine line.
Sometimes I wonder, if I'd never fallen, how would the last 8 years of my life been different. Would I have joined the military....probably, I would still be playing sports, I'd have my own place and be able to financially support myself. I might even adopt a kid, I don't know. But it doesn't really matter does it, because the fact is I did suffer TBI 8 years ago, I do suffer from chronic daily headaches/migraines, nausea, fatigue, balance, Memory problems, Severe Depression, Suicidal thoughts, and that I'm on Disability and have to have people supporting me. I wonder what it would like to be completely independent, to not have to rely on anyone. I wonder if people knew me, all of me, would they still feel the same way about me? I may never know, as my walls are thick and high,
Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to sleep.

2 Comments

Jody

6/15/2015 04:23:03 pm

We all have our walls that we build with no doors to cross through. That is what makes us all unique. Some people will understand and love you all the more for what you go through every day and are brave enough to fight through every day just to exist. And those are the people who really matter. Those who don't understand or judge you for who they think you are, aren't worth a second thought.
This entry that you have written could have been written by someone I know and love very much. They too suffer from most all of the same things you deal with everyday. I have been with them during some of their darkest moments and I am so proud of them for fighting through those waves of despair to make it through just one more day in hope of a better tomorrow. Some times the next day is just more of the same but some times the next day is a better day and that is all that you can hope for.
You are a beautiful person inside and out. Take care of your self and allow your family to continue to help you, too It is truly what they choose to do from the bottom of their hearts. I'm speaking from experience as a family member who is available 24/7 to help when needed no matter what.

Jessie

6/16/2015 04:40:24 pm

Jody,

You're right we all do have our walls, some are thicker than others, some are imaginary, and some like you said with no doors or windows to cross through. As much as I don't like that you understand how hard it can be to just get up in the morning, to "exist", I'm also thankful that their are people like you who do get it. Who don't get upset when I can't work, but go try and play softball, because my Therapists says I have to do things to make myself feel better. And that's just one of my therapists, that's right I see a couple. But that's not the point of this response. I guess it's just that when you hear the negativity around Depression (which I couldn't even say or write a couple years ago), the guilt of not being "normal", having to be on disability, and the government programs. When you see the things people say or write, it makes you feel like digging a hole crawling in and never coming-out, because you know that even though your circumstances are not what they are talking about, it's still what they see when they look at you. I hate going to the grocery store, because I have to use food stamps, and, now I have dietary restrictions, which the people in line behind me find me using food stamps for gluten free and egg free things just unimaginable and wrong. I've actually had people tell me this. So thank you for posting on this blog. I'm sorry that you have to deal with these types of things with someone whom you care about and love. I wish there was a magic button or switch to make it all "ok". To hear you say that you've been with them during their darkest moments and that you are proud of them for fighting through is a testament to your character a lot of people would turn their back. So thank you for sticking with them. You're also right I can't predict tomorrow. When people ask me where I see myself in 5 years, it's unimaginable to me, I'm at max looking at the next 2 weeks and even that can get me all anxious, and a wreck. One day at a time, that's how i have to live, and it sucks, because that's not how I was taught to live, it's not where I thought I'd be at in life. Of all the things I've tried to accomplish or be, I failed. Sure I learned things along the way, but when someone asks me "what do you do?" I have to say nothing, I'm on disability or even better I tell them I'm an artists/singer/songwriter on disability, man the looks I get are somewhat humorous. Anyway this is a longer message than intended, I mostly just wanted to say thanks for the support, understanding and encouragement!. I know my family is choosing to help, but i'm an adult, I should be able to do this on my own., and I don't like the burden and worry it makes them feel. Again thanks for sharing your wisdom!

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I am currently on a journey to rediscover who I am, what I want to do, and how I can become the best person I can be. The trick is to accomplish these tasks without sacrificing myself to the expectations of an unrealistic, and materialistic society.

Sometimes I wonder.....

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