Just realized what a joke my life is, that is all. -9/24/14

In response to my earlier post about my life being a joke:

Thank you all for thinking my life is not a joke, but if you Dealt with all the doctors, idiots, and bull shit I deal with, you might find that some of it is Quite humorous at times. For instance when you go to a neurosurgeon, and have given them the information that you do in fact have memory issues, which they confirm through their neuropsych testing, and discover some other cognitive delays (oh which you already mentioned as well); and yet they talk so fast and interrupt that you don't know if you've just witnessed a new language, or somehow your ears are playing everything in reverse. Then try to get questions answered and they want you to come in for an appointment (oh except they forget that you live in MT). So instead want to do a phone consultation.....yea that will work real well since I can't understand shit over the phone, or remember the conversation once we've hung up. The comedy is real, because really it's about being able to bill me...so I told them Bill me but answer the email I sent you, so I know what the risks are for this surgery; and oh by the way get it scheduled before the new year, like I asked when I was there!!!! They also find it quite impossible to find the stacks of medical records that you so tediously and meticulously put together, (because your OCD won't let you to it any other way), and just brush it off as no big deal while you want to throw any immediate object at their head to ring their bell a bit. All while in a room, you swear is an interrogation room with its bright lights, but oh yea no sunglasses allowed. I also find it quite funny that even with a brain injury, I still felt smarter than the majority of the doctors, neurosurgeons, or not with whom I converse. Maybe I’m just dumb though.

My life is a joke in the fact that there have been riddles, punch lines, punches, "BAM **POW", not always funny ha-ha joke, but sometimes just a kind of F*u joke. I appreciate the insight from you all. I appreciate that you don't think it's a joke, but really how many people do you know, who "lets be honest", were quite good athletes, and yet have a head injury from falling out of a dumpster, and subsequent concussions from 1. Hitting a heavy bag at full force (that's right I'm still strong), 2. Having a shelving system fall on your head while cleaning, 3. Falling down stairs while helping others, hitting my head on a car door, and then a couple of hockey related ones that we won't dwell on 4. Almost breaking (more than likely breaking) your hand because you were so fed up that you had to hit something but the only thing to hit was a solid built building and your rage outweighed the judgment of just how stupid that might be (ok maybe that's not funny), 5. Live with your sisters, had to sell you car and are now driving the car you learned to drive in (that's right I have Big Red), 5. Ride a motorcycle, but can't cross the street without having someone make a joke about wearing a helmet. Am banned from all contact sports (some organizations have actually banned me, other have been doctors making phone calls about the liability. Finally, seeing so many doctors that no one knows what the hell is going on, even though you've sent a letter connecting them all to each other, they just won't communicate because of their damned egos. These are just a few of the "jokes" in my life. I could go on and on, but I'll spare you those punch lines.

So yea my life's a joke. Not sure what the next punch line will be.... so far, much like my life, it's undefined. And sometimes what seems to be funny sends me over the edge and angry. So yea my wires are crossed, I get that, there are lapses in judgment and memory. Lapses in; "what he f*ck am I supposed to be doing while I throw the ball for my dog..... Oh right I was supposed to be at some other appointment getting some new pill to help with god knows what. So yea my life is a joke, one without the humor of sports so much anymore, but definitely with some music and art, because some of the stuff I write and create, when I show to other people, their reaction at best is stuff "America's Funnies Home Videos'" were made of. (I know I'm old).

Anyway, thanks for the comments, and support, and the determination for some of you to push me beyond what I think my limits are. But just remember one thing, I'll go all out, and when I can't go anymore, you're going to have to accept that fact. And if you don't like what I say, or how I'm acting, try to remember, sometimes I really do have no control...TBI's are indefinable, different for all who suffer them, and then you add in some other "major issues", and you have a recipe for either some awesome jokes, or some really hard times. And that my friend is the worst "joke" of all.

Circling and circling, like some stupid cartoon character; with birds flying around and stars twinkling overhead. Eyes that go crossways, where every things fake; Reality is just a word, in which the definitions do not take,... but a second to realize that it is not true. 

Truth and justice... words that fail, ideas and rumination's that wither and die, like roses in the fall, like the leaves on a tree; each falling separately but part of a whole. Like society.... and our lives...can you see the big picture now? 

Life rushes by, we think there is so much time;... in reality, it's but a brief moment... described in seconds, with ideas and years that have been left behind. Some, are remembered for their words, others for their actions. Some, are remembered for the good they imparted on others; others for the selfishness they reflected. Some are merely forgotten, their memories fly on the jet streams in the wind. 

We place importance on money, jobs, and things. We strive for perfection knowing perfectly well, it's always out of reach. We blame others for our faults and failures and expect society to give us what we want, merely because we want it. We do not expect to have to work for it;.... we have Grown Accustomed to Entitlement. \\

When in reality no one owes you a thing. No one owes you a perfect job, no one owes you a spot on the team, you must earn the right to play, to fly,... you must earn your wings. Some will try and try, but few will ever get there. Why....because there is a flaw in our system which is designed to make us fail. Unless we have the resources "mainly money"; we cannot compete. No matter what our skill level, no matter how many hours practicing we put in, no matter how bad we want it, sometimes society slams the door in our face....Then what do we do?

Some will keep trying to knock down the door, others turn away, giving up all hope. Some try to beat the system through lawsuits and lies, still feeling they are entitled to something for which they never really tried. For those that have put he work in, and sacrificed their dreams, their lives, it is but another failure they chalk up to life's uncertainties. 

I for one, can dream of only one thing...My Independence from others, that is my dream. The ability to pay back the debts, that so many have paid. The ability to live on my own, like a true hero; and give back to them in return. I use to dream of things that were quite possibly out of reach. The first was being a boy so I could be A professional football player...probably was not one of my best choices, or dreams. A professional athlete, musician, writer, poet, artist, all were dreams, all I tried to achieve, some I have to a small degree... Others I never even had a chance to succeed at.  In reality I was a failure before I even started, I just couldn't see it at the time; and now what do I have left....nothing but debt, broken dreams, no job to contribute to society. I can't play sports, I can't live my dreams, I'm a second class citizen just for being me. I don't even own my own car anymore. I'm a slave to society, to a government which was supposed to be "by the people, for the people, and of the people", but now is just a cooperation run by individuals who think themselves better than the classes now living below them. We have gone back in time where there is a hierarchy, that people like me, (who in all reality would be homeless and in poverty without my family), are now subjects to people we hold no value to, and in fact truly hold no value over us. Yet we are expected to play and follow there rules. Ever read "Commone Sense" by Thomas Paine...if you haven't I suggest you do. 

In all reality we live under a dictator, with a socialist government, and puppets to hold it all in place. So you ask me why am I frustrated? Am I benefiting from the "handouts of our government?" That all depends on your perspective of what a benefit is. If all you see is the money I'm given to live on, look again, because I can't even support myself, get out of debt or off the system as it now exists. I see the posts about welfare, and jobs, drug tests and Social security; debts and loss. I know what is true, I know what is false, I'm a student of history I know the mistakes that we made, and now continue to make. Have we learned nothing? 

But don't put me in some box, because you think you know me. Don't put me in a box because you think I don't deserve what I'm being given. I'm not proud of it and I wish I could give it back. I wish I could support myself, have a family, I wish I would have served my country. None of these things have I done, I don't know if I'll ever be able to do them and...Time is running out.

I'm running a race I know I am going to lose, and yet I still want to be first,..... but am scared of the finish line. because there will be no heats, or trials, it's just one long race with sprints here and there, obstacles we do not see or expect, holes in which we fall into, and can't get out....without paying someone else to bail us out, and being in debt is not a life anyone goes out trying to find. The worst part for me is the finish line itself, because it is just just that, Finite, with nothing after, and nothing left. 


So I'm sorry for the misconceptions, lies, truths, beliefs, and stories. We all have our demons, we all our a society looking to be better than the person standing next to us. Why no instead, help each other be the best we can be together....build someone else up, expect nothing in return, and see what happens. Maybe nothing, maybe something.  Either way the finish line is just ahead, in the foggy distance, on a road that may or may not be paved in gold. 

Sometimes I wonder why I am the way I am.
What's my purpose, why don't I fit.....why am I just wrong.
Wrong in my very being, the essence of who I am, and what I want to achieve
I wonder if perhaps I am a mistake.....
No, in fact, I know I am a mistake.....one that keeps changing, and yet is always the same.
I hate mirrors, reminders of the darkness that lies beneath the smile.
My skin crawls, my heart aches....but no answers come.
Agitation, Anger, Anxiety, death...now the driving forces in my life
Maybe God got it wrong, 
maybe I should have tried harder, been better......conformed
Maybe I should have quit along time ago. 
Sometimes I wonder What's the point in trying, when I don't know what the goal is
Will I ever achieve independence, 
Will my headaches ever go away, 
Will Surgery give me any peace?
will my TBI always hold me back, cause confusion, fatigue, and a multitude of other problems.
It has already caused me to lose the part of me I was most comfortable with...an athlete, a high achiever, a perfectionist.
To be the best, to stay busy with anything and everything that took my mind away from the thoughts now circling through my head 
A constant reminder of the mistake that I am. 
thoughts and feelings that torment my soul.... at night, during the day, in every waking moment, even in my sleep. 
No dreams come, when they do they are of death, and darkness.
How can some be so happy, while others so tormented.
I loath who I am, even in my successes, which are far and few between
Will I ever get to return to sports, Will I ever achieve success
Will I ever get to truly be me. 
and who is that, what will I be,....
a fading shadow amongst, the barrage of societal ideas.
I am but ashes in the wind.....the dirt for people to walk upon
Sometimes I wonder why I am the way I am.