I was going to write something profound, something really unique But then I realized…. it’s all been written before, just in different prose, with actual ink.
None of my realizations, ideas, or questions, were, or are profound in any way…
The only thing unique thing about them, is that I dare to speak them…. out loud… in my own quirky, stuttering, sometimes backwards way.
With different words, slang terms, maybe some swear words too…..sometimes with a dope beat behind them, to give me courage… to keep the flow moving on,….when the word is right there,.. but just won’t come out, till someone gets the hand signs I’m giving, and finally figures it out.
And So we go on, to the next word in the phrase, hoping this time it’s not them that speaks the word,… but my own mouth, that clearly states it with ease.
Yes, I’m one of “those”, who dares to pose the question; …Who dares to challenge ideas and things….
Knowing with utmost certainty, I must deal with the truth/hurt/love/ or hate that it brings.
I’m one of “those” who can’t leave well enough alone, who has to get it right, because being wrong…..well, is just wrong.
I’m one of “those” who asked the wrong questions at all the wrong times….who turned left just to see where it lead, when I was told to turn right;
Who acted out in ways that weren’t “lady like”, or refined, but always stood behind my ideals even if it meant standing alone at the end of the line…
In my high top Nike’s with my cap backwards too, jeans too big and my Jerry rice Jersey…..Na I was no fool.
People trying to change me left and right, couldn’t just leave me be…. so I started doubting the ideas and dreams that made me….me
I didn’t conform, even though they tried, I wasn’t welcomed in; in fact most the time I was left outside.
I’m one of “those” who followed all the rules, who colored in the lines, Homework always done on time, and yet felt like a failure even with an A+ by my name….
because there was still something wrong with me,… I heard the whispers “it’s just a phase” “she’ll grow out of it”, and so I believed…..
There was hope to be normal, not judged all the time…
So I tried even harder, but still never changed…. except where I was at in life’s game.
Top of the athletic chain, president of my class… top musician too, all of these things kept me busy…and let them praise me too.
Took the focus off my “being”, and defined me by my “doing”….worked well for all, because everything real about me, could be put in a locker and closed up tight. No one, not even me, had to deal with the demons inside.
Because, It didn’t matter as much when we were winning games, if I wore my favorite players jersey after the games.
It didn’t matter as much if there were superior ratings at festivals written next to my name,….
If afterwards I went and sat alone in a corner, playing back every last wrong note, over and over again in my brain.
I was in charge, making decisions….so they called me a leader….
looked past the jerseys and less than feminine demeanor.
didn’t notice the harassment,….. didn’t care either,
Never wondered why I was so quiet, just assumed I was polite; never thinking….all the while….all I wanted was to die.
But I was helping others, volunteering where I could…. polite and respectful too…
Surely I was on the path to normalcy.
With all the right guidance to show me the way, I tried to emulate what was “Normal”,....
how to do it the “Right way”.
I’m one of “those” whose days and nights were filled with fear, Never getting it right, or “growing out of the phase”. …Still wearing hats, jerseys, and jeans and having Short hair.
Anger filled my life, Normalcy was never there; but there was definite Rage, hate, anger and Self loathing there.
I’m one of “those” who played their game, wore the masks, did what they wanted to please them to make everything “ok”.
But the masks I wore, brought resentment, and hate,…. a willingness to fight no matter the stakes.
Walls were built with anger and lies….truths were buried locked down tight
Eventually, after enough years they were solidified…..Nothing was getting in, hurt was no more, I was gonna shine,
So I Racked up the points, forging new routes, Made my “Doing” who I was, locked my “Being” away for good….had plans that everyone agreed would be a great fit.
I was one of “those’ who breezed through college, graduating Outstanding senior, I was sure to get a job.
Teaching and coaching, helping mold young minds, helping them believe,that they could be whomever it was, They wished to be.
Helping those who struggled, I could see it in their eyes, I’d been there before, I knew what to look for, even though they tried to hide.
Maybe I made a difference I can’t really say, but I know a few have contacted me just to say thanks.
And all I was, was a substitute teacher, I held no power...
But as a coach believed in every kid’s ability to be a winner.
In whatever capacity they wanted it to be; I was there to help them, to pave their Highway,…. make it a little less bumpy for them along the way.
A sense of normalcy was achieved, and everyone believed….I had made the right turn and was on the right path….Everyone that is but me.
I was still one of “those”, the Unaccepted, the one who bucked the rules, even while following them to a “T”.
It didn’t make sense, confusion, philosophical questions, formed, what was I doing wrong?
I’m one of “those” who fights without fear, and at the drop of a hat for someone or something I hold dear.
I learned at a young age not everyone can fight, some are too weak, too afraid, don’t know how…so I learned to stand in front and toe their line.
I was proud to do it, It was never wrong, standing up for someone who couldn’t….an important lesson I learned while I was very young.
I’m one of “those” who see’s things most people don’t,…. beauty in death, ugliness in life,…I see the Wisdom in the elderly, and the Innocent of youth….and together, when united, bring such wonderful truths.
I see us making the same mistakes, over and over again; failing to realize How amazing our lives could be if we’d only take a second to breath,… listen …and learn.
To put away our pride, toss aside our perceptions, stereotypes, and lies, and actually sit down with someone, and let them teach us about their lives.
I see things upside down, or angled when most see a straight line…maybe it’s my brain injury, or maybe it’s just how my brain works…..
Doesn’t really matter, it’s how I’m designed.
I’m one of “those” who’s tired of labels, and all the stereotypes, with no one listening, just thinking you know me when all you see is the shell I keep.
Or thinking because I’m an Identical twin we must be exactly alike;....
Ummm Nope guess again, we are still uniquely made;
She’s social, outgoing, loves a good time,… I on the other hand, am reserved, careful, calculating, and then might consider having a good time.
I’m one of “those” who may look Tough, even scary to some….I’ve been called intimidating at 5’4” and100lbs….really?..... to me that just seems dumb.
I’m one of “those’ who likes it though, it gives me an edge; lets me see your hand without showing my own; giving me an advantage when I feel I have none.
I’m one of “those”, people hate to be around; they Think I’m self centered, cocky, and must not care about others, because I’m silent and not loud.
I’m one of “those” who listens intently, even when you think I don’t hear a word
I’m one of those who will sit in the corner with my back to the wall, to feel safe, and secure…
So I can see everyone that walks through the door, the interactions that take place, the smiles, the awkwardness of some; and I can plan my defense and escape… if I’m feeling cornered, or uneasy in any way.
I’m one of those driven by fear, constantly checking behind me, always tense, never at ease, knowing they are talking about me, that there is something wrong with me.
I’m one of “those” who was gonna be a star….everyone had high hopes for someone so well put together and all.
I’m one of “those” that could hold it all in, and smile....when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball, in a dark cold gym
I was one of “those” “that had it made,… no problems, life was easy” that’s what they said.
I was one of “those” who could barley get out of bed, too afraid of what the day might hold, to afraid of what people would think if they knew of my fears, who I really was, what I believed, that some of my intentions were not good….God what would they say….if they heard the words inside my head
I’m one of “those” who lives and breaths because music runs through me.
Without it I am nothing, my heart has no beat, and aches for the Maestro to strike up the Strings; Slowly building, with horns and woodwinds, and the sound of the snare, bringing it all together, giving me strength to breath in the crisp air. So I move with each note and phrase, sometimes improvising along the way.
As long as the music continues, I will listen and play...... right up to the Finale, and the Maestro puts down the baton.
I’m one of “those” who used to always be in a hurry, Now I take my time,
I lived with my grandparents, cared for them, until they both died.
What I learned most is to cherish the time.
Breakfasts' with Grandpa and I, are something I’ll always hold dear; his quirky grin, I always wondered what he was thinking about as we sat on the patio watching the squirrels and birds go here and there.
I’m one of “those” who can’t really cook, but my grandpa ate the burnt toast, always said thank you, and smiled, knowing I’d eventually get it right.
I’m one of “those” with a Traumatic Brain Injury, and a disease you cannot see.
“You look just fine” they tell me, “Why don’t you try working Here or there”, what they don’t know or realize is I’ve already tried without success, only failed again and again, so I don’t go there.
I just smile and say “yea maybe I will”, satisfying their need to make me better, to define me by what they feel.
I’m one of “those” who’s tired of trying to explain, why I can’t get out of bed, why I’m sick, why I’m in pain.
I’m one of “those” who most will never get, complicated, unique, silent, and unequipped….
For those moments when someone asks “what do you do?” and all I can say is “nothing”, and then they slowly move away, wondering what’s wrong with you.
I’m one of “those” who’s tried to push through, failing miserably because apparently Brain injuries you don’t push through…but I’m an athlete so that’s what I know, So I push again, and probably will continue to do so.
I’m one of “those’ that is tired of hearing what worked for someone else….it’s been 7 1/2 years, I’ve tried, nothing works.
I’m one of those that on top of this TBI, has to deal with the taboo subject of a mentally ill person who just is never going to be “normal or alright”
I’m one of “those” who can’t accept this truth, it eats away my soul, there really isn’t much left to do.
I’m on of “those” who deals with anxiety, Severe Depression, OCD, and insomnia to name a few……and then there's the voices that won’t be quiet in my head.
Tell that to someone……they think your nuts.
So instead I put on their mask, I play the game, to make sure no one sees, or hears the darkness,
the hopelessness, the” being” I’ve lost.
I’m one of “those” who continues to "Do", so that you can define who I am, without really knowing the truth of my life as it is.
I’m tired of living a life to someone else’s standards, and then dying realizing I never really lived.
None of my realizations, ideas, or questions, were, or are profound in any way…
The only thing unique thing about them, is that I dare to speak them…. out loud… in my own quirky, stuttering, sometimes backwards way.
With different words, slang terms, maybe some swear words too…..sometimes with a dope beat behind them, to give me courage… to keep the flow moving on,….when the word is right there,.. but just won’t come out, till someone gets the hand signs I’m giving, and finally figures it out.
And So we go on, to the next word in the phrase, hoping this time it’s not them that speaks the word,… but my own mouth, that clearly states it with ease.
Yes, I’m one of “those”, who dares to pose the question; …Who dares to challenge ideas and things….
Knowing with utmost certainty, I must deal with the truth/hurt/love/ or hate that it brings.
I’m one of “those” who can’t leave well enough alone, who has to get it right, because being wrong…..well, is just wrong.
I’m one of “those” who asked the wrong questions at all the wrong times….who turned left just to see where it lead, when I was told to turn right;
Who acted out in ways that weren’t “lady like”, or refined, but always stood behind my ideals even if it meant standing alone at the end of the line…
In my high top Nike’s with my cap backwards too, jeans too big and my Jerry rice Jersey…..Na I was no fool.
People trying to change me left and right, couldn’t just leave me be…. so I started doubting the ideas and dreams that made me….me
I didn’t conform, even though they tried, I wasn’t welcomed in; in fact most the time I was left outside.
I’m one of “those” who followed all the rules, who colored in the lines, Homework always done on time, and yet felt like a failure even with an A+ by my name….
because there was still something wrong with me,… I heard the whispers “it’s just a phase” “she’ll grow out of it”, and so I believed…..
There was hope to be normal, not judged all the time…
So I tried even harder, but still never changed…. except where I was at in life’s game.
Top of the athletic chain, president of my class… top musician too, all of these things kept me busy…and let them praise me too.
Took the focus off my “being”, and defined me by my “doing”….worked well for all, because everything real about me, could be put in a locker and closed up tight. No one, not even me, had to deal with the demons inside.
Because, It didn’t matter as much when we were winning games, if I wore my favorite players jersey after the games.
It didn’t matter as much if there were superior ratings at festivals written next to my name,….
If afterwards I went and sat alone in a corner, playing back every last wrong note, over and over again in my brain.
I was in charge, making decisions….so they called me a leader….
looked past the jerseys and less than feminine demeanor.
didn’t notice the harassment,….. didn’t care either,
Never wondered why I was so quiet, just assumed I was polite; never thinking….all the while….all I wanted was to die.
But I was helping others, volunteering where I could…. polite and respectful too…
Surely I was on the path to normalcy.
With all the right guidance to show me the way, I tried to emulate what was “Normal”,....
how to do it the “Right way”.
I’m one of “those” whose days and nights were filled with fear, Never getting it right, or “growing out of the phase”. …Still wearing hats, jerseys, and jeans and having Short hair.
Anger filled my life, Normalcy was never there; but there was definite Rage, hate, anger and Self loathing there.
I’m one of “those” who played their game, wore the masks, did what they wanted to please them to make everything “ok”.
But the masks I wore, brought resentment, and hate,…. a willingness to fight no matter the stakes.
Walls were built with anger and lies….truths were buried locked down tight
Eventually, after enough years they were solidified…..Nothing was getting in, hurt was no more, I was gonna shine,
So I Racked up the points, forging new routes, Made my “Doing” who I was, locked my “Being” away for good….had plans that everyone agreed would be a great fit.
I was one of “those’ who breezed through college, graduating Outstanding senior, I was sure to get a job.
Teaching and coaching, helping mold young minds, helping them believe,that they could be whomever it was, They wished to be.
Helping those who struggled, I could see it in their eyes, I’d been there before, I knew what to look for, even though they tried to hide.
Maybe I made a difference I can’t really say, but I know a few have contacted me just to say thanks.
And all I was, was a substitute teacher, I held no power...
But as a coach believed in every kid’s ability to be a winner.
In whatever capacity they wanted it to be; I was there to help them, to pave their Highway,…. make it a little less bumpy for them along the way.
A sense of normalcy was achieved, and everyone believed….I had made the right turn and was on the right path….Everyone that is but me.
I was still one of “those”, the Unaccepted, the one who bucked the rules, even while following them to a “T”.
It didn’t make sense, confusion, philosophical questions, formed, what was I doing wrong?
I’m one of “those” who fights without fear, and at the drop of a hat for someone or something I hold dear.
I learned at a young age not everyone can fight, some are too weak, too afraid, don’t know how…so I learned to stand in front and toe their line.
I was proud to do it, It was never wrong, standing up for someone who couldn’t….an important lesson I learned while I was very young.
I’m one of “those” who see’s things most people don’t,…. beauty in death, ugliness in life,…I see the Wisdom in the elderly, and the Innocent of youth….and together, when united, bring such wonderful truths.
I see us making the same mistakes, over and over again; failing to realize How amazing our lives could be if we’d only take a second to breath,… listen …and learn.
To put away our pride, toss aside our perceptions, stereotypes, and lies, and actually sit down with someone, and let them teach us about their lives.
I see things upside down, or angled when most see a straight line…maybe it’s my brain injury, or maybe it’s just how my brain works…..
Doesn’t really matter, it’s how I’m designed.
I’m one of “those” who’s tired of labels, and all the stereotypes, with no one listening, just thinking you know me when all you see is the shell I keep.
Or thinking because I’m an Identical twin we must be exactly alike;....
Ummm Nope guess again, we are still uniquely made;
She’s social, outgoing, loves a good time,… I on the other hand, am reserved, careful, calculating, and then might consider having a good time.
I’m one of “those” who may look Tough, even scary to some….I’ve been called intimidating at 5’4” and100lbs….really?..... to me that just seems dumb.
I’m one of “those’ who likes it though, it gives me an edge; lets me see your hand without showing my own; giving me an advantage when I feel I have none.
I’m one of “those”, people hate to be around; they Think I’m self centered, cocky, and must not care about others, because I’m silent and not loud.
I’m one of “those” who listens intently, even when you think I don’t hear a word
I’m one of those who will sit in the corner with my back to the wall, to feel safe, and secure…
So I can see everyone that walks through the door, the interactions that take place, the smiles, the awkwardness of some; and I can plan my defense and escape… if I’m feeling cornered, or uneasy in any way.
I’m one of those driven by fear, constantly checking behind me, always tense, never at ease, knowing they are talking about me, that there is something wrong with me.
I’m one of “those” who was gonna be a star….everyone had high hopes for someone so well put together and all.
I’m one of “those” that could hold it all in, and smile....when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball, in a dark cold gym
I was one of “those” “that had it made,… no problems, life was easy” that’s what they said.
I was one of “those” who could barley get out of bed, too afraid of what the day might hold, to afraid of what people would think if they knew of my fears, who I really was, what I believed, that some of my intentions were not good….God what would they say….if they heard the words inside my head
I’m one of “those” who lives and breaths because music runs through me.
Without it I am nothing, my heart has no beat, and aches for the Maestro to strike up the Strings; Slowly building, with horns and woodwinds, and the sound of the snare, bringing it all together, giving me strength to breath in the crisp air. So I move with each note and phrase, sometimes improvising along the way.
As long as the music continues, I will listen and play...... right up to the Finale, and the Maestro puts down the baton.
I’m one of “those” who used to always be in a hurry, Now I take my time,
I lived with my grandparents, cared for them, until they both died.
What I learned most is to cherish the time.
Breakfasts' with Grandpa and I, are something I’ll always hold dear; his quirky grin, I always wondered what he was thinking about as we sat on the patio watching the squirrels and birds go here and there.
I’m one of “those” who can’t really cook, but my grandpa ate the burnt toast, always said thank you, and smiled, knowing I’d eventually get it right.
I’m one of “those” with a Traumatic Brain Injury, and a disease you cannot see.
“You look just fine” they tell me, “Why don’t you try working Here or there”, what they don’t know or realize is I’ve already tried without success, only failed again and again, so I don’t go there.
I just smile and say “yea maybe I will”, satisfying their need to make me better, to define me by what they feel.
I’m one of “those” who’s tired of trying to explain, why I can’t get out of bed, why I’m sick, why I’m in pain.
I’m one of “those” who most will never get, complicated, unique, silent, and unequipped….
For those moments when someone asks “what do you do?” and all I can say is “nothing”, and then they slowly move away, wondering what’s wrong with you.
I’m one of “those” who’s tried to push through, failing miserably because apparently Brain injuries you don’t push through…but I’m an athlete so that’s what I know, So I push again, and probably will continue to do so.
I’m one of “those’ that is tired of hearing what worked for someone else….it’s been 7 1/2 years, I’ve tried, nothing works.
I’m one of those that on top of this TBI, has to deal with the taboo subject of a mentally ill person who just is never going to be “normal or alright”
I’m one of “those” who can’t accept this truth, it eats away my soul, there really isn’t much left to do.
I’m on of “those” who deals with anxiety, Severe Depression, OCD, and insomnia to name a few……and then there's the voices that won’t be quiet in my head.
Tell that to someone……they think your nuts.
So instead I put on their mask, I play the game, to make sure no one sees, or hears the darkness,
the hopelessness, the” being” I’ve lost.
I’m one of “those” who continues to "Do", so that you can define who I am, without really knowing the truth of my life as it is.
I’m tired of living a life to someone else’s standards, and then dying realizing I never really lived.
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