So that you wouldn't ask, why I was in bed all day.
I said things were fine,…. Even cracked a small smile,….
So you wouldn't know, I was on the floor all night crying.
I drove around the block, when you said you were gonna stop by;
I didn't want you to see the hurt in my eyes.
When you asked what I was planning to do next with my life,
I had no words, no ideas… your disappointment cut like a knife.
You told me, I needed to try harder… and so I nodded.
You told me, I needed to change, to Grow up…so I shifted my eyes, and shrunk lower.
You told me, who I WAS… was a Lie….your words took my desire, to even try
You walked away… your last look towards me, filled with utter disdain.
I didn’t know what to do….my body shook, my mind raced.
I looked around, and saw nothing…
I called out…but heard no one
So, I made up a story…. and put it on paper…
A fictional work... full of non-fictional features.
You see, it doesn’t matter what I’ve done or didn’t do…
You see me ONE way…but it’s not the truth.
You think that what’s good for you…is good for me
But I’m nothing like you…and I’ll never be.
You think because my life isn’t what society says it should be…
That somehow I’m at fault and wrong….I’m not what a “girl” should be.
I’m still trying to figure out, exactly what that means.
I never said I liked who I am….I always wanted to be different, to be better….to be accepted….to be a Man.
Men got to do the things I loved….and when I beat them, I was chastised and told I Needed to stop.
I didn’t get a choice, of how I was born….Didn’t get to put my 2cents in
I was told exactly though, how I SHOULD be….Even if that meant, not being ME.
A woman should be graceful, obedient, and loyal….never mind if we are beaten, emotionally abused, and broken.
It doesn’t matter that I’m smarter, stronger, and ready to work….I’m passed over…because I DON’T…
I don’t look the part because of my short hair,…. I don’t wear make-up to hide the years.
My scars and lines, are part of my story,….instead of judging,…. here’s my red shoes,… Start Walking.
I don’t dress how a woman “should”….., instead of blouses, purses and dresses, I prefer Jeans, Backpacks and T-shirts.
I never liked dolls, or playing House,… I preferred to use my talents, practicing Sports,….Music,….or, pretty much anything else.
To this day I’m not sure what a “tomboy” actually is…..All I know, is it’s a stereotypical judgment, constantly thrown in my face.
Its definition is ever changing and construed. In the 1550’s it meant being a “boisterous boy, and rude.”
Derived from the words “tom” + “boy” in the 1570’s it’s definition encouraged “a girl to exercise, dress more sensible, and eat a wholesome diet”.
It continued to grow, and change, so that in the 1590’s it became,…. “A girl who acts like an A spirited boy”…. More positive….more full of joy.
This trend continued through two world wars,… until the 20th century,…when Freud’s ideas took hold.
I’m still confused as to why people use it as a tool, to punish, or repress traits…. often associated with being great.
Be that as it may though,... Like any word or phrase, it can be used in a positive or negative way.
I may have been raised one-way,….while you another.
But why do you judge me based on our parent’s ideas….
Never asking…just assuming,…. that I believe the same, and follow their lead
But, I’m not a sheep, I don’t follow,…. I’m a wolf….I LEAD.
I take your ideas and spin them around….Mix them with mine, till a solution is found.
The truth is, I look at things differently,...Instead of one perspective, I have Many.
I see things from my childhood view, where my identical twin was picked on for being sick,…. Because she had rings under her eyes, from the medications that were saving her life.….So yea, I have a protective side.
I see things, from wanting to be someone else…. So yes, I know what its like to feel utter disgust with ones self.
I know what it’s like to feel sick at the sight of your own reflection…so yes, I also know what it’s like to want to end it.
I know what it’s like to see something, miles ahead of others, …to make a pass…that no one else could see coming….to already know the outcome.
I see things from being both an athlete and a coach….I know what it’s like to watch your dream spin out of control….
To sit on the sidelines while someone takes your place,…. or to have to pull a player to keep them safe….
I know the heartache that it can bring... being a professional athlete was one of my dreams.
I know what it’s like to be great at something and have it taken away…. I was going to be one of the Few, the Proud,….A Marine.
Instead of a Metal Sword and Dress blues, I have a TBI, with Titanium Plates and Screws….
So yes, I’m somewhat angry and depressed…. Sort of sucks when you can’t work or support yourself.
My whole life I’ve strived to be the best. Now, I’m looked at as a bottom feeder who is taking advantage of the system….So yes, I know what its like to be treated less than.
I see from a perspective, of someone who is legally disabled, unable to achieve anything I ever dreamed of…. I look fine, so I must be feeling better… Guess that’s the problem with an invisible illness.
I know what it’s like to have people stare as you walk by….not fully knowing whether you’re a girl or a guy…
So yes, I know what it’s like to have to keep silent….always be on guard, because you could be beaten up at any moment.
When I would walk into restrooms and was told to leave, based on my appearance…. I saw the pain, and embarrassment it caused my parents.
Or even worse, instead of letting me leave,.. I see from a perspective, of having to prove that I was in the correct bathroom to pee.
The worst part was, and is, the fact that Parents hush their kids,…not making eye contact, while telling them to hurry along,…. because, well, I must be perverted and wrong.
I see things from a confused adult, or child’s view,…
There are times I wasn’t sure of the gender I was standing next to,
The difference for me though, compared to most…., is that instead of judging, I’m usually looking at their hair, shoes or clothes.
The fact of the matter is, in these moments I feel less alone,…and, if I’m feeling a brave,… I will comment on the fact that we both have great taste.
In that moment there is a connection,… whether it’s based off of a watch, smile or hairstyle,…. we become each other’s reflection.
I know what it’s like to be judged from both sides of the aisle….Never being able to satisfy either.
Both sides think they know me, or know what’s best for me.
Instead of assuming, maybe, you should be asking…questioning…
Ask me what I think, for my ideas, and insights….maybe then you could formulate your own opinions….Instead of assuming, you are always RIGHT
Watch how I lead…. I don’t need to boast so others can see…
I don’t put others down,…. nor do I need praise, to build myself worth…..to know something will succeed.
I don’t let fear run me, even though I could….Doesn’t do me or you any good.
My whole life, I’ve been deemed “Wrong”…..put in boxes dependent upon… unlearned characteristics given at birth,…..as well as Characteristics Learned from my time on this Earth.
Don’t get me wrong, I will always fight for what I believe in….but I will also listen to someone,… even if I initially disagree with their opinion.
I’m Loyal and Honest,….I try to be Fair and Just…to always dig deeper never taking things at face value., in order to find the truth.
When you’re constantly ridiculed as a child, told you are wrong….you learn one of two things…
That you have ambition, courage, and strength,… always knowing your place
Or,…. that you are a bully, arrogant and weak…..constantly trying to be something you ain’t.
Sort of seems like a contradiction, doesn’t it?
We praise men who formulate new ideas, by thinking outside the box,
While we teach Women, to stay between the lines….never to stray…to be submissive, and follow someone else’s lead.
Society has taken the greatness of one Gender…. and put it above the other.
Different roles, for the same job, ….Different clothes to set us apart, Pink for one and Blue the other,…. When in reality there is multitude of Color.
You might think I’m being a Feminist….yet, others when asked, would call me Conservative…..
You see I don’t fit in a box, or follow the lines…I make my own path, MY own LIFE…
If I constantly jumped every time Society changed its mind…I would have been able to dunk at the age of 5.
Even if you move away from the above-mentioned stereotypes,,…I’m still judged… on things most people can’t comprehend, and aren’t even willing to try and understand.…
Let’s close our eyes for a moment….think back to when we were kids with no judgment.
It didn’t matter what type of clothes you wore,… whether you were polka dotted, striped, or some other color.
It didn’t matter if you were disabled or sick,… all that mattered, is that you loved each other,… and were friends.
Now try, to remember the first time you were scolded, for simply trying to be nice to another….Hurts doesn’t it? ….I bet you can’t even tell me why,…. because there was no way to understand it at the time.
The answers we come up with, as to why someone or something is “wrong” or Different,…. are purely based on the interpretation’s taught to us by authority figures.
Do you really think, someone would choose to hate themselves, because of their attraction to someone else? To contemplate suicide, or choose to live a life, where they are despised and treated as Pariah….simply because they live a different way life.
Do you really think, that I would choose to conform and bend my standards, to appease your uninformed and misguided agendas?
Do you see me as someone who is merely playing along, filling a Role, that society has created… based upon…Fear, Misunderstanding, and the Power one can have over another?
Or, have you watched me from when I was very young… from when I first started asking the questions.
If the answer is the latter, you should know that I’ve never sat by, believing things I’m told, without further research…and asking WHY??
How can you say I’ve been brainwashed, when no ones’ brain waves are the exact same…Believe me, I’m an expert when it comes to this game.
The first thing they told me after my TBI, is that no one’s injury is the same so never stop trying…But hey, lets take back even further to being born an identical twin….Genetically, 99% the same, yet, we are different in almost every way.
Ask anyone who grew up with us….they’ll tell you how different and unalike we were,… but they’ll also tell you how much we protected and loved each other.
Teachers and Friends alike could point out our differences…. One an extrovert,…. the other the complete opposite.
Even back then, I knew we weren’t the same…..yet I loved her more than words could ever portray.
We are all different, we all have our good traits and what are seen as “bad,”… But are you so arrogant and jaded,… that you can’t see the importance of compassion and diversity in this world?
Do you think someone would knowingly choose to be Lesbian, bi, questioning, trans, or gay….
When the ramifications are isolation, humiliation, being astringed from family and inner hate?
I’ve been fighting a system my entire life,…full of accusations, based on false truths…. lies,
I’ve been told God hates me that I’m going to hell…by the same people who taught me that Jesus loves All.
They say I’m a sinner…..while they think they are saints, but I was taught we are all born One way.
Born into sin…,because of someone else’s lie….
Interesting, don’t you think,… how history changes…. Along, with what the majority thinks is “right”. ...
I will agree, I’m not perfect, but not because of who I am,… not because of how I dress, or my hairstyle, or that I’d rather play football than sit and knit.
I’m not perfect because I’m human…simply trying to live a life…. that helps others,…shows love…. that unites instead of diversifies.
So ask me what I think,… ask me Why?
Know that my reply may not be what you wanted to hear….but it will be honest…it will be sincere.
It may, on the other hand, give you new insight …so that something you thought was Wrong….you now see as Right..
I am not asking you to change your values or beliefs,… I’m just asking you to listen to someone you may initially disagree with.
It’s not always about agreeing with each other, or changing someone’s mind….Its about giving someone a new perspective to make a decision about life…..
No where does it state, that unification can only come by blindly following like Sheep….Unification comes from the ability to step back and see…
To look at something from a broader view,…., to become the shepherd that sees things so minute,…. so quickly,… that he knows where each head in his flock is….to see the danger before it approaches.
Life is not all roses, there are lots of weeds to be pulled…..but one must know the difference in how they look.
So, perhaps we agree to simply disagree….instead of hate filled accusations. lets do so respectfully,….. with open hearts and a willingness to learn…only then do we make sound decisions that we can learn from.
So I wrote a story about my life…put it down on paper to that I could try
To show you a truth you may not have knows, to show you how we can become One!
A story of fiction….with characters that contradict each other… but if you truly read and listened,…..you’ll discover it’s all Non-Fiction!