" As it's 4am, and my brain is medicated to help me "sleep". I feel It's in everyone's best interest for me to engage in what I want to write later on....the problem is I'm not sure I'll remember to come back to it thanks to my TBI, Mental Illness, and and all the problems they cause; compounded by the many pills, that Doctors say will "fix" me. So I write, knowing full well, I will not remember what I have written come "morning". I will write because it's what I know to how to do, and even though I would be deemed "incoherent, and not with it", I will write what it is I feel, and know from the video. So, I will leave it at this: Why do I need to be fixed? What is so wrong with me just being me? You can't fix me being gay, You can't change what I wear, my hairstyle; you can't make me more feminine.....because I am anything but that. You can't take the shame, or the Pride I have of just being me. You can't fix my emotional trauma from being molested as a young child, you can't fix the feelings of inadequacy, Unrelenting confusion, pain, and the inability to fit in.
I'm not "girly enough", but I'm not a guy, I feel like a Half-half: I am a girl, yet many of my qualities are more masculine. so I am also part boy. I'm told I'm wrong no matter what: being gay is wrong, possibly being transgender is wrong, or not knowing or being able to decide Exactly who I am is Wrong. My very being....not even what I am doing is inherently WRONG! I hate Me, I hate mirrors, yet there are times I feel as though I'm invincible it's called bipolar, and somewhat schizo. It's called Severe depression and an inability to connect. It's called an aversion to touch, OCD, Anxiety, Depression, Sick, and WRONG, along with a myriad of other terms used to describe me. How many can say the same thing? My entire life I've been mistaken for a young man, a guy, a son; and each time the feelings you described in your talk rush over me, except there is one difference.....at times I wish I was a son, a young man, or a guy. Why? Many reasons, but One huge one is the fact that if I was a guy, I would be "ok". Because If I was a guy, liking girls/women, would be ok, it would be ok to swear, and play football, and lift heavy things, have muscles, short hair, and the mentality of "I'm a man therefore, I am better than anyone, but especially woman". I am entitled to "_______"; and women are something to be conquered, not respected. I would get paid what I'm worth, instead of looked at as a disease to be treated, and paid as little as possible to satisfy the quota of what the Law allows. I wouldn't be told " I let you win" it would be ok for me to walk into a mechanic's shop and know what i'm talking about, telling them what's wrong and can you please fix it, in stead of them telling me "oh it's probably not that," and try to sell me things I don't need. But then there is the embarrassment of being called something I'm not, something my dad would get so upset over, and tell me I needed to be more feminine, and stop acting like a boy.....even though I was taught to play football, to stand up for myself, to be strong. How could I be both? It's not like I set out in life to make a statement. Even from a young age, I was interested in what would be considered more Masculine things. IT's just WHO I WAS, and AM. I loved football, no one taught me to love it. I loved fighting, standing up for others, especially my sister and mom, Cars, Motorcycles, Jets, gun's, Karate, etc. Why, I don't know I just did, and it wasn't a phase, it's how I've been my entire life.
I am Embarrassed and ashamed that a young child is reprimanded for simply asking the question "are you a boy or a girl" and when I answer them they take it as is, and move on, or say "why do you have short hair, or wear boy's clothes?". I'm not sure when Jeans and t-shirts became "boy clothes"; but it doesn't bother me, I just explain that's How I'm comfortable, and then probably tell them something that we have in common based on who asked, what they are wearing, their gender and how I can best put them at ease; even if inside I'm dying. The mom or dad is still upset and says "you don't ask those things" and reprimands \ the child.....Really? Because. I'd rather them ask, and allow me the opportunity to be able to tell them "it's ok to be who you are, and not everyone's the same", than have them stare at me like I'm a two headed monster. I can tell them that everyone is different but the most important thing is what's on the inside. Are you honest? ,Do you work hard, have dreams, are you compassionate, understanding, Inquisitive, respectful, etc. because those are the things that matter; not the fact that I have a pair of jeans on that were bought in the men's section, because the pockets. are actually functional, and the jeans are not so tight that I feel like i'm wearing tights.
The idea of duality holding two things, 4 things, etc, is something I can relate too. Picking my battles, and not worrying about the looks and stares I'm getting as I walk into the women's restroom. Yes it hurts, stings, and makes me angry, but it also makes me......me. Being as Authentic as I can be while I try to put my life back together, and figure out who am I really? I recently went to my first PRIDE parade, and felt completely inadequate, out of place, embarrassed; scarred someone I know would see me, confused; and at the same time Proud to be with my friends, wearing a bracelet made in Peru that was rainbow colored. Duality, trying to live with all the feelings that flood my system. Trying to balance being raised a conservative Christian, and not fitting on the political side of my friends, but instead somewhere in the middle. But when there is no grey, I find myself picked on like I don't belong, because I'm not choosing a side. Isn't that part of the problem\; is that we even have to choose a side? I choose to live compassionately, respectful of others and their beliefs, as well as my own. and with integrity. If someone doesn't want to make a cake for a gay or lesbian couple fine......Don't put them out of business just to set an example. If you need to fine them for breaking some law, ok; but it shouldn't supersede what the cake was worth; and honestly why do you want a cake from someone who doesn't support you, there are plenty of bakers that do. Yes advocacy is important but so is the ability to live with others who don't share you're beliefs. There is more I want to say, but can't see the screen anymore, so I will stop there for now. Thank you for yet another great speech on such an important topic.