But for me it is a horrifying and sickening ride, that causes me to panic at the most inopportune moments. My ride slows as it creeps up hills, and then drops with intense speeds as it heads towards the ground, before leveling out and going through tunnels; where the darkness is so intense you're not sure if there is any light at the end. Some would call it Anxiety, others Fear, perhaps some would label it Bipolar. It doesn't really matter what you label it, because like anything with a label, it doesn't change the fact that it still exsists. It can leave you feeling incapacitated and useless, or arm you with a feeling of untouchability and superiority. It can increase your blood pressure, or make it drop to unhealthy lows. It gives you the idea that you are in fact a success, you have finally reached adequacy. You ride the high, applauding your efforts, and thinking how wonderful this feeling is. You've finally made it, you've reached a plateau, or so you think. It's so exciting that you cannot sleep, as you relive all those wonderful moments. And then in the back of your mind, doubt starts to creep in, you remember the mistakes you made, and wonder if others saw or heard. You wonder if what you thought were success never really happened, perhaps they were just dreams, distorted ideas and lies. Were others just being kind, because they didn't want to bring you down? What were they really thinking or saying to others when your ears were turned away? Fear starts to grip you, slowly squeezing, chocking you until all you can remember is the failures of the moments, that only seconds ago, were great successes. You still can't sleep but now instead of a sense of happiness and excitement, you are ravaged by insecurities, guilt, and fear. You are no longer are riding a straight line on a plateau, instead you're heading straight off a cliff at the end of the line; and in that moment, all you can do is hold on, scream, and hope, that the rails level out in the time, for you to once again start to creep back up the other side.
anxiety creeps up to take hold
every little sound brings a startled realization
that you are not alone.
Wandering amidst the darkness
tension builds, fear grabs your throat
breathing is labored, and muscles are sore
could this be death, knocking on your door?
No light shines through, you cannot see.
your other senses must guide you, through this distorted reality.
You can taste the bitterness in the salty air
Your head pounds, from the non conforming beat, of the unrelenting sounds.
You reach out,...But There is nothing, only space.
You turn in circles, your fear takes hold, and the tension brings you to spasms that rack your soul.
In the last moment before you fall, you realize that you are leaning against some sort of cold blackened wall
it's icy shock makes you draw back,
your trembling fingers start to glide,....over its rough edges, and smooth sides
and then you feel it, your spirit jumps, you hold your breath as you flip the switch,
blinded momentarily you must wait,.. until your eyes adjust and dilate
It seems like an eternity but the moment passes,
light shines everywhere now, and the darkness is shattered.
your breathing slows, you have found your peace.....
Well at least for now...
until the switch is flipped again, sending us wandering amongst our fears, insecurities, and broken dreams.