Just realized what a joke my life is, that is all. -9/24/14

In response to my earlier post about my life being a joke:

Thank you all for thinking my life is not a joke, but if you Dealt with all the doctors, idiots, and bull shit I deal with, you might find that some of it is Quite humorous at times. For instance when you go to a neurosurgeon, and have given them the information that you do in fact have memory issues, which they confirm through their neuropsych testing, and discover some other cognitive delays (oh which you already mentioned as well); and yet they talk so fast and interrupt that you don't know if you've just witnessed a new language, or somehow your ears are playing everything in reverse. Then try to get questions answered and they want you to come in for an appointment (oh except they forget that you live in MT). So instead want to do a phone consultation.....yea that will work real well since I can't understand shit over the phone, or remember the conversation once we've hung up. The comedy is real, because really it's about being able to bill me...so I told them Bill me but answer the email I sent you, so I know what the risks are for this surgery; and oh by the way get it scheduled before the new year, like I asked when I was there!!!! They also find it quite impossible to find the stacks of medical records that you so tediously and meticulously put together, (because your OCD won't let you to it any other way), and just brush it off as no big deal while you want to throw any immediate object at their head to ring their bell a bit. All while in a room, you swear is an interrogation room with its bright lights, but oh yea no sunglasses allowed. I also find it quite funny that even with a brain injury, I still felt smarter than the majority of the doctors, neurosurgeons, or not with whom I converse. Maybe I’m just dumb though.

My life is a joke in the fact that there have been riddles, punch lines, punches, "BAM **POW", not always funny ha-ha joke, but sometimes just a kind of F*u joke. I appreciate the insight from you all. I appreciate that you don't think it's a joke, but really how many people do you know, who "lets be honest", were quite good athletes, and yet have a head injury from falling out of a dumpster, and subsequent concussions from 1. Hitting a heavy bag at full force (that's right I'm still strong), 2. Having a shelving system fall on your head while cleaning, 3. Falling down stairs while helping others, hitting my head on a car door, and then a couple of hockey related ones that we won't dwell on 4. Almost breaking (more than likely breaking) your hand because you were so fed up that you had to hit something but the only thing to hit was a solid built building and your rage outweighed the judgment of just how stupid that might be (ok maybe that's not funny), 5. Live with your sisters, had to sell you car and are now driving the car you learned to drive in (that's right I have Big Red), 5. Ride a motorcycle, but can't cross the street without having someone make a joke about wearing a helmet. Am banned from all contact sports (some organizations have actually banned me, other have been doctors making phone calls about the liability. Finally, seeing so many doctors that no one knows what the hell is going on, even though you've sent a letter connecting them all to each other, they just won't communicate because of their damned egos. These are just a few of the "jokes" in my life. I could go on and on, but I'll spare you those punch lines.

So yea my life's a joke. Not sure what the next punch line will be.... so far, much like my life, it's undefined. And sometimes what seems to be funny sends me over the edge and angry. So yea my wires are crossed, I get that, there are lapses in judgment and memory. Lapses in; "what he f*ck am I supposed to be doing while I throw the ball for my dog..... Oh right I was supposed to be at some other appointment getting some new pill to help with god knows what. So yea my life is a joke, one without the humor of sports so much anymore, but definitely with some music and art, because some of the stuff I write and create, when I show to other people, their reaction at best is stuff "America's Funnies Home Videos'" were made of. (I know I'm old).

Anyway, thanks for the comments, and support, and the determination for some of you to push me beyond what I think my limits are. But just remember one thing, I'll go all out, and when I can't go anymore, you're going to have to accept that fact. And if you don't like what I say, or how I'm acting, try to remember, sometimes I really do have no control...TBI's are indefinable, different for all who suffer them, and then you add in some other "major issues", and you have a recipe for either some awesome jokes, or some really hard times. And that my friend is the worst "joke" of all.

Circling and circling, like some stupid cartoon character; with birds flying around and stars twinkling overhead. Eyes that go crossways, where every things fake; Reality is just a word, in which the definitions do not take,... but a second to realize that it is not true. 

Truth and justice... words that fail, ideas and rumination's that wither and die, like roses in the fall, like the leaves on a tree; each falling separately but part of a whole. Like society.... and our lives...can you see the big picture now? 

Life rushes by, we think there is so much time;... in reality, it's but a brief moment... described in seconds, with ideas and years that have been left behind. Some, are remembered for their words, others for their actions. Some, are remembered for the good they imparted on others; others for the selfishness they reflected. Some are merely forgotten, their memories fly on the jet streams in the wind. 

We place importance on money, jobs, and things. We strive for perfection knowing perfectly well, it's always out of reach. We blame others for our faults and failures and expect society to give us what we want, merely because we want it. We do not expect to have to work for it;.... we have Grown Accustomed to Entitlement. \\

When in reality no one owes you a thing. No one owes you a perfect job, no one owes you a spot on the team, you must earn the right to play, to fly,... you must earn your wings. Some will try and try, but few will ever get there. Why....because there is a flaw in our system which is designed to make us fail. Unless we have the resources "mainly money"; we cannot compete. No matter what our skill level, no matter how many hours practicing we put in, no matter how bad we want it, sometimes society slams the door in our face....Then what do we do?

Some will keep trying to knock down the door, others turn away, giving up all hope. Some try to beat the system through lawsuits and lies, still feeling they are entitled to something for which they never really tried. For those that have put he work in, and sacrificed their dreams, their lives, it is but another failure they chalk up to life's uncertainties. 

I for one, can dream of only one thing...My Independence from others, that is my dream. The ability to pay back the debts, that so many have paid. The ability to live on my own, like a true hero; and give back to them in return. I use to dream of things that were quite possibly out of reach. The first was being a boy so I could be A professional football player...probably was not one of my best choices, or dreams. A professional athlete, musician, writer, poet, artist, all were dreams, all I tried to achieve, some I have to a small degree... Others I never even had a chance to succeed at.  In reality I was a failure before I even started, I just couldn't see it at the time; and now what do I have left....nothing but debt, broken dreams, no job to contribute to society. I can't play sports, I can't live my dreams, I'm a second class citizen just for being me. I don't even own my own car anymore. I'm a slave to society, to a government which was supposed to be "by the people, for the people, and of the people", but now is just a cooperation run by individuals who think themselves better than the classes now living below them. We have gone back in time where there is a hierarchy, that people like me, (who in all reality would be homeless and in poverty without my family), are now subjects to people we hold no value to, and in fact truly hold no value over us. Yet we are expected to play and follow there rules. Ever read "Commone Sense" by Thomas Paine...if you haven't I suggest you do. 

In all reality we live under a dictator, with a socialist government, and puppets to hold it all in place. So you ask me why am I frustrated? Am I benefiting from the "handouts of our government?" That all depends on your perspective of what a benefit is. If all you see is the money I'm given to live on, look again, because I can't even support myself, get out of debt or off the system as it now exists. I see the posts about welfare, and jobs, drug tests and Social security; debts and loss. I know what is true, I know what is false, I'm a student of history I know the mistakes that we made, and now continue to make. Have we learned nothing? 

But don't put me in some box, because you think you know me. Don't put me in a box because you think I don't deserve what I'm being given. I'm not proud of it and I wish I could give it back. I wish I could support myself, have a family, I wish I would have served my country. None of these things have I done, I don't know if I'll ever be able to do them and...Time is running out.

I'm running a race I know I am going to lose, and yet I still want to be first,..... but am scared of the finish line. because there will be no heats, or trials, it's just one long race with sprints here and there, obstacles we do not see or expect, holes in which we fall into, and can't get out....without paying someone else to bail us out, and being in debt is not a life anyone goes out trying to find. The worst part for me is the finish line itself, because it is just just that, Finite, with nothing after, and nothing left. 


So I'm sorry for the misconceptions, lies, truths, beliefs, and stories. We all have our demons, we all our a society looking to be better than the person standing next to us. Why no instead, help each other be the best we can be together....build someone else up, expect nothing in return, and see what happens. Maybe nothing, maybe something.  Either way the finish line is just ahead, in the foggy distance, on a road that may or may not be paved in gold. 

Sickness festers in boiling blood
Ice flows through hardened veins
no one sees, no one knows
spread on molecules of air
blown to and fro with a growing breeze

blood seeps from pores
tremors take over stiffened joints
breath grows shallow...
Heart beat quickens
An eerie silence...Time stops.

Tick-Tock-tick-tock

a pool of blood and tears....a body now lays still
Eyes open.... staring at something beyond
arms stretched out....a last breath
the last one,... everyone is gone
empty streets, no children's cries
leaves have fallen, trees are but ghostly shapes
Death lingers here
death owns the night,.. and nothing living dares return.

my art is an expression of my soul, my deepest most intimate thoughts.
My art is an expression of how someone else impacted my life, a tribute to them. An expression of gratefullness.
My art crosses all boundaries, does not discriminate only opens minds and hearts. Some people will get it, some people won't. 
Some people will hate it, while others will love it, and some will just be indifferent. 
But all of them felt something, that is what art is.
Whether through words, or song....
Pictures or altered images of what my mind sees
They are a way to connect to people, whom I may have never even seen.
They are a way to bring back memories of perhaps happier times
They are ways to inspire others to live their dreams.
My art is also my livelihood, it is not just a hobby or something I do for fun. 
Although, I am happy to donate it when I can to worthy causes, to help give hope to others, or inspire others to help someone others may not have thought to help. 
My art is a way to pay it forward. 
I don't always expect things in return, and sometimes a smile or a heartfelt thank you is enough. 
But please understand, this is my profession. 
Just because I don't work a nine to five job, or put in overtime, like you think I should, doesn't mean I don't "work".
My work is creating, and it takes patience, determination, practice and sometimes starting over and over again to get it just right. 
My art is my life.... My music my soul,.... and my words a look into the past, present and what the future may or may not hold. 
And if I can have that resonate with someone else, to give them hope when they are struggling, or to bring them joy when they are down. 
Then my art is worth continuing to do. 
Art is not a regular job, it's a lifestyle and one I am so grateful to have found.

Poetry is simply words put into phrases and rhythms that make you think differently then if stated in a grammatically correct sentences. (thank goodness)

Poetry is art
like the sound of a wolf howling in a darkened night
it can be both scary and hypnotizing
It can bring shivers up your spine, and give you a sense of peace
poetry is in constant motion....never in your brain does it sit in silence
poetry is not relaxing, It is a race to find the end, the meaning.....
Poetry is challenging, in both prose, and moral compass
It causes one to question, to evaluate inward, as opposed to judging outward.
Poetry is not the same as songwriting as some might think
singing something, while also has hidden meanings, and moral wars that rage; combines words with music with theory, rhythm, and the ability to actually sing it. It is unique and something I debate with and argue with on a daily basis. 
Now classical music, that is different and can bring all sorts of images to the mind, it can create a story based on rhythm, instrumentation, tempo, solos and cymbal crashes. or even the slighted dining of a single bell. It can bring us to inspiring places such as the olympics, and horrible places such as Dresden.
Poetry is art, and lyrically can be used in songs and rap sometimes
Music is art and can be used to enhance the words and rhyme scheme of poetry, but they are two separate forms of the unique and wonderful world of art. 

I am thankful for my music teachers, and my english teachers for encouraging me in both these endeavors.

Hard=Hard
January 4, 2014 at 11:57pm

I don't wear my heart on my sleeve
There's a reason for that
There is a distance between others and myself
There's a reason for that
Things need to be done certain ways, or anxiety takes hold...you might not understand, but.....
There's a reason for that
If you cross me or my family.....their will be hell to pay
There's a reason for that

Nighttime is when I shine,.... and when my darkest demons come out to play
There's a reason for that.
I think differently...I process things differently...I don't understand things you might find easy
There's a reason for that
I'm quick to give, and I'm quick to guard....my life means nothing to me but I'd die for a close friend.
There's a reason for that
Others always come first, 
There's a reason for that
I will work as hard as I can to fulfill my dreams and goals....failing more often than not
There is a reason for that.

Music inspires, calms and fuels me
There's a reason for that.
Some, would consider me self destructive 
There's a reason for that
Beat me up drag me down, hit me on the field of battle, let me feel the pain of the hit, the hardness of the fall...... and then let me hit back. 
I don't like fake people, or who put themselves first while leaving others in their wake. 
There's a reason for that.
I'm loyal to the end, but if you play me, expect repercussions
yea...there's a reason for that.

you might think I am lazy...... Because I didn't reach my potential, Because my dreams didn't come true...Because I'm dependent when I long to be independent...Because I'm not the fantasized image you have in your mind of me
There's a reason for that

But you don't really care..because your definition of my life has nothing to do with me, but how you perceive how I "should" be.
There's a reason for that

So ask me how I am.....and hear my reply.... "fine", and then I'll ask how are you.
That's right I will deflect, because I'd rather find a way to be helpful to you
There's a reason for that

in the end Hard = Hard 
My battles you may never see or know, at least not all of them.
but maybe slowly we will come to an understanding and a place of support and love.




Like ·  · Share · 14 minutes ago · 

“I feel like a fifth wheel.”;  I can’t tell you how many times in my life I’ve heard that saying. Sometimes by family, other times by friends, but usually, and probably more often, I hear it inside my own head.  Other people have the same ideas but use different phrases. So, after a weekend at home, and some “discussions” with my family,  it struck me that being a “fifth wheel” is not the negative characteristic, many people deem it to be. 

Let’s consider what a fifth wheel is and does.  Sure, it rides unnoticed through out our travels, dirty and underused.  Most the time it does not shine.  Instead, the dirt we have not washed off shadows it, and masks it’s beauty.   We rarely “take care” of it;  it is left to defend itself from foreign objects that attack it without warning.  It is made to endure through harsh conditions, when everything else is strapped in and kept warm.  It is underestimated, forgotten and often, considered less important than the other four wheels.  Most of us probably even forget that we may need it someday.  

 I think, this is what makes it the most special, important, and strong wheel of all.  It gets us out of trouble when we are stuck.  It doesn’t need to shine all the time, but when it does, it’s more brilliant than we could have ever imagined. When one tire fails it fills in without hesitation.  It does not look for accolades or support, instead it shoulders the weight of what is broken, and takes the hits in order for everyone else to make it to safety.   A fifth wheel is in fact one of the most underrated, taken for granted, and beat up friends we have.  It is our savior, when the chips are down.  And after it has served its purpose, it willingly goes back to being just that, a fifth wheel.  A guardian of sorts, waiting and ready for the next time it is needed.  

So, the next time you think you are a fifth wheel, remember just how important you truly are.  Not everyone can be the fifth wheel; it takes someone special, with unique character, and unwavering perseverance.  But if you are the fifth wheel, stop looking at the fact that you are not always in use the way others think you should be.  Because when the time comes and they need you, they will wonder how they ever got along without you; and they will see just how special you truly are.

Ok so here’s a quick History lesson for you: 

Presidents’ Day is an American holiday celebrated on the third Monday in February. Originally established in 1885 in recognition of President George Washington, it is still officially called “Washington’s Birthday” by the federal government. Traditionally celebrated on February 22—Washington’s actual day of birth—the holiday became popularly known as Presidents’ Day after it was moved as part of 1971’s Uniform Monday Holiday Act, an attempt to create more three-day weekends for the nation’s workers. While several states still have individual holidays honoring the birthdays of Washington, Abraham Lincoln and other figures, Presidents’ Day is now popularly viewed as a day to celebrate all U.S. presidents past and present.  --www.history.com/topics/presidents-day.

Wow!! Who knew, I mean I thought it was just another day for huge car sales, and for another three-day weekend.  I mean really, there are actually historical based traditions for this day?  Hmmm, I’m pretty sure that the majority of the people if asked, would just think it’s another day of “Huge Sales”.  They might think it’s a day to celebrate our nations past presidents.  But most just celebrate the fact that they don’t have to work on a Monday.  In fact, the majority of the people I encounter, on a daily basis, would be more excited about the fact that they could go to the mall and get a t-shirt for 2 dollars, than the fact that we are an Independent Nation.  I’m all for celebrations and sales, but not without remembering what the celebration is supposed to feature.  I highly doubt Washington would want to be included with every President we’ve ever had.   So here are some little facts that I happen to know about our First President, and Father of this Country:

                                   1. George Washington was our nations first president, and   
                                       given the name “Father of his Country”.


                                   2. He was, and still is one of the greatest Military commanders in History. 
                                       He Lead by example His Mottoes “ Deeds not Words” and “For God and my Country.”

                                  3. He was strongly rooted in his Faith in God, and frequently 
                                     read from the Bible during speeches.

                                  4. Washington never officially joined a political party because 
                                      he thought they created too much division.

                                 5. He was a Surveyor, a Commander, and a Justice of the Peace.

                                 6. He was a Delegate to the Continental Congress, Presided over the 
                                    Constitutional Convention, and Became our Nations First President.

As a nation we still look to George Washington’s’ ideas and principles, for the foundation in which we continue to build this nation.  Perhaps we should be a little more aware of what he stood for, and why his ideas worked.  Maybe we need to get back to our roots just a little bit, and stay fast to the ideals that this nation was built on.  Maybe we should be more concerned with the lack of honesty, integrity, and individualized me attitude that our “Leaders” now possess, than whether they are Democrat or Republican.  Perhaps, if we as a People once again stood together, this country would rise up instead of continuing to fall apart.  Instead of tearing each other down, instead of double standards for different classes, let us unite as one.  Let us be the “Greatest Nation, and let us learn from our past, so that we may have a brighter future.  Just something to think about while you finish celebrating Presidents day, or more formally known as Washington’s Birthday!


"While we are zealously performing the duties of good citizens and soldiers, we certainly ought not to be inattentive to the higher duties of religion. To the distinguished character of Patriot, it should be our highest glory to add the more distinguished character of Christian." - General Orders - May 2, 1778