Sometimes I wonder why I am the way I am.
What's my purpose, why don't I fit.....why am I just wrong.
Wrong in my very being, the essence of who I am, and what I want to achieve
I wonder if perhaps I am a mistake.....
No, in fact, I know I am a mistake.....one that keeps changing, and yet is always the same.
I hate mirrors, reminders of the darkness that lies beneath the smile.
My skin crawls, my heart aches....but no answers come.
Agitation, Anger, Anxiety, death...now the driving forces in my life
Maybe God got it wrong, 
maybe I should have tried harder, been better......conformed
Maybe I should have quit along time ago. 
Sometimes I wonder What's the point in trying, when I don't know what the goal is
Will I ever achieve independence, 
Will my headaches ever go away, 
Will Surgery give me any peace?
will my TBI always hold me back, cause confusion, fatigue, and a multitude of other problems.
It has already caused me to lose the part of me I was most comfortable with...an athlete, a high achiever, a perfectionist.
To be the best, to stay busy with anything and everything that took my mind away from the thoughts now circling through my head 
A constant reminder of the mistake that I am. 
thoughts and feelings that torment my soul.... at night, during the day, in every waking moment, even in my sleep. 
No dreams come, when they do they are of death, and darkness.
How can some be so happy, while others so tormented.
I loath who I am, even in my successes, which are far and few between
Will I ever get to return to sports, Will I ever achieve success
Will I ever get to truly be me. 
and who is that, what will I be,....
a fading shadow amongst, the barrage of societal ideas.
I am but ashes in the wind.....the dirt for people to walk upon
Sometimes I wonder why I am the way I am.

Well, this post is all about expectations, fears, and the ability of our mind to take something very simple and complicate it so much that we find we cannot even fathom a way to overcome it. 

The last month, or so, I’ve witnessed this phenomenon both first hand, and from afar.  It’s funny though, you can’t really see it first hand, until someone else points it out and even then, you deny that they are right.  What your mind has created is so real, that there is not even the possibility for you to see it otherwise. In fact, the only way for you to eventually see that what you your mind has conjured up, is perhaps a bit off, is for the event to unfold; completely and without any regard to you.  The true reality has to ultimately hit you up side the head, and wake you from your fig-minted reality. 

When you witness someone else going through the same thing, you see him or her build these walls, that are basically layered with air. Nothing substantial holds them together; no mortar, or glue, just space in between the blocks they are building. Space, that their mind does not fill, space that to them becomes solidified, even though everyone else can see right through it.  Trying to reason with such a person is pretty much a defeated task right from the start.  They feel as though there is a fortress around them; that their story, their idea, is set in stone.  Therefore, the best possible thing you can do, is to enter in with them knowing that the walls really don’t exist, or at least aren’t as high as they think they are.  Perhaps, even take a ladder with you, so that when they start to realize that the walls are crumbling, and that they are not closed in; that there is in fact light on the other side, you can help them get there without falling off the top, back into their wandering mind.  Because, the thing about our mind, is that it does not always learn the first time.  We continue to build the same walls, the same lies or truths, whichever way you see it, over and over again until finally our mind learns a new way to think.  It’s only then that we can start to see how things might occur differently than what we first thought; and only then can we accept the reality, that maybe someone else knows a truth we cannot see.

We as people, at least most of us, tend to jump to the worst possible outcomes and build from there.  No one I’ve met ever says, “I know that is going to work out, and their will be rainbows and butterflies, and everyone will get alone etc.”  No, instead it’s “I know this isn’t going to work, people will hate me, their will be dragons and fire, and the earth will fall from underneath my feet”. We learn to expect the worst, and when something good comes along we wait for the “catch”.  Because we can’t fathom anything “good” happening to us, without some sort of expectation, we beat ourselves into the ground.  We are free to give accolades and positive reinforcement to others; free to help others see the truth about what they perceive might be a “Boogie Man” in the closet.  But, we ourselves fear positive accolades, we don’t allow ourselves to be treated with the high regard and respect we treat others.  We treat ourselves as less than, and that is when the mind starts to wander. It gets caught, much like a skipping movie reel, so that the only way to fix it is to take it off, rewind it, and start from the beginning.  Only then can we see, that the end of the story is not always what we expected. Sometimes, it turns out we were watching a different movie the entire time. 

Wandering amidst the darkness
anxiety creeps up to take hold
every little sound brings a startled realization
that you are not alone.

Wandering amidst the darkness
tension builds, fear grabs your throat
breathing is labored, and muscles are sore
could this be death, knocking on your door?

No light shines through, you cannot see.
your other senses must guide you, through this distorted reality.
You can taste the bitterness in the salty air
Your head pounds, from the non conforming beat, of the unrelenting sounds.

You reach out,...But There is nothing, only space.
You turn in circles, your fear takes hold, and the tension brings you to spasms that rack your soul.
In the last moment before you fall, you realize that you are leaning against some sort of cold blackened wall
it's icy shock makes you draw back,
your trembling fingers start to glide,....over its rough edges, and smooth sides
and then you feel it, your spirit jumps, you hold your breath as you flip the switch,
blinded momentarily you must wait,.. until your eyes adjust and dilate

It seems like an eternity but the moment passes,
light shines everywhere now, and the darkness is shattered.
your breathing slows, you have found your peace.....

Well at least for now...
until the switch is flipped again, sending us wandering amongst our fears, insecurities, and broken dreams.

It's funny how people can be so arrogant and set in their ways about something they know absolutely nothing about.  Like Sheep most of us just follow the herd, blindly looking down, never looking up to see we might be walking right of a cliff.  Most people never question what they are told or taught, thus creating a society full of naive perceptions of life; what is right, wrong, just, fair, etc., that is, until they learn about how something or someone's ideas affect someone they love.  

In 2007 I suffered a Traumatic Brain Injury, and my world has been flipped upside down ever since.  I was two sport Collegiate Athlete, Excelled in my Academics, and was the Most Outstanding Senior in my College's graduating class in 2002.  I planned on making a big impact on society, I was going to make a difference!  I would teach and coach the next generations; instill wisdom, discipline and sense of self worth in others!  I would write and play music, maybe even make it big with one of my hits.  I would have my own place with my own furniture, a new car, and be financially independent and stable. Perhaps I would even find love.  I felt as though I could do anything, I was invincible. I was going to live the "American Dream".

It only took a split second in time to change everything I had dreamed of, who I was, and how I viewed myself, and others.  Now I wonder will I ever have a day without a headache, will I ever get to enjoy playing my saxophone again, will I ever be able to support myself, or am I to live the rest of my life relying on others to support me?  Who am I, What can I do, Can I make it through the day, are now the questions that rack my mind. Physically I look "normal", well other than a nice dent in the side of my head.  Looking "normal" is great, but if people can't see an injury, disability, or "flaw", they have a hard time understanding it.  If you can't write because you broke your arm, all it takes for someone to understand is to see your cast.  When you injure your brain, there is no cast.  Sure I had staples for awhile, and nice shaved head, and a great scar!,  But my hair grew back, the staples came out, and even though the scar and dent remain, people don't understand that that scar represents a very small part of my injury.  What they don't see is the brain that was bruised, they don't see the metal plate and screws holding my skull together.  They don't see the pressure that increases, that in turn raises my headaches to migraines. They don't see the inactive areas of the brain causing memory loss, word finding problems, insomnia and fatigue.  They don't see the frusterations anger, depression, anxiety, and sence of complete loss.  What they see is a functioning individual who should be doing more, who should be pulling their own weight to make a better society. What they don't see is the hill I must walk up every day, a hill that never seems to crest.  They don't see how what they consider to be "functional" takes every last ounce of effort for me to achieve. I don't tell you this to make you feel sorry for me, I tell you this to help you understand, so that you can become more informed.  So that maybe instead of following, you turn around and start to lead the heard in a better direction.

I hear comments all the time about how people on Medicare, and Welfare, or any other government help are "lazy" have an entitlement complex, and just aren't trying".  Before my brain Injury in 2007, there is no way I ever would have thought I would now be one of "those people".  But I am, and even with the "government help" which by the way is like trying to navigate a through a circus, while you, try to juggle all the red tape they throw at you, I still can't live independently, I still can't function as a productive member of society.  Am I proud of that? Not in anyway what so ever!  But when people say I'm not trying, I want to put them in my shoes for a day, and see just how long they can remain standing.  My bet most people wouldn't last very long. 

It's been 5 1/2 years since my injury, 4 of those I had no government help what so ever.   Now that I do, I am more limited as to what doctors I can see, when I can see them, and for how long.  Eastern Medicine, forget it, because the government doesn't consider them as "medically needed"; they consider it "elective medicine". Well, they are right, I'm electing to try and figure things out, trying to get off their system, but I can't.  It's literally the perfect example of a catch 22.  I am not going to go into every detail of how insane the system is, or how uneducated people really are.  I am both grateful and ashamed of the help I receive; and I long for the day when I can be an individual again, not some case number.    

What I want is for people to realize that their comments hurt, and are based on stereotypes, fear, and lies.  Like so many other things in life, that we don't understand, we immediatly consider them "bad, wrong, and  unworthy."   We fear "it" or others, because we cannot relate to them.  But sometimes it's not about relating, so much as it is about having compassion and understanding.   Instead of fearing the unknown we can own it, we can discover new paths to go on.  No one's journey is as individualized as they might like to think.  We all need some help along the way, some just more than others.  So, if you find yourself flipped upside down at some point, I hope you will remember that no one dreams of the life I am now living.  I hope you find yourself able to withstand the constant negativity and deterrents.  I hope that the people that surround you are more educated, understanding, and helpful.  I hope, that the system provides you with solid foundation to help rebuild your future, instead of the constantly shifting foundation that it is now. Mostly, though,  I hope that you are never flipped upside down. 

Do I still have dreams? The answer is sometimes; But dreams are just that dreams: fictional hope that we provide ourselves to make it through the days. Living in reality is a much harder task.  There is not always rainbows, and sunny skies.  In fact their are usually quite a few storms.  What helps to make it easier, is if the people around us have the knowledge, compassion, and love to allow us to move forward; even if it's only an inch at a time.