my art is an expression of my soul, my deepest most intimate thoughts.
My art is an expression of how someone else impacted my life, a tribute to them. An expression of gratefullness.
My art crosses all boundaries, does not discriminate only opens minds and hearts. Some people will get it, some people won't. 
Some people will hate it, while others will love it, and some will just be indifferent. 
But all of them felt something, that is what art is.
Whether through words, or song....
Pictures or altered images of what my mind sees
They are a way to connect to people, whom I may have never even seen.
They are a way to bring back memories of perhaps happier times
They are ways to inspire others to live their dreams.
My art is also my livelihood, it is not just a hobby or something I do for fun. 
Although, I am happy to donate it when I can to worthy causes, to help give hope to others, or inspire others to help someone others may not have thought to help. 
My art is a way to pay it forward. 
I don't always expect things in return, and sometimes a smile or a heartfelt thank you is enough. 
But please understand, this is my profession. 
Just because I don't work a nine to five job, or put in overtime, like you think I should, doesn't mean I don't "work".
My work is creating, and it takes patience, determination, practice and sometimes starting over and over again to get it just right. 
My art is my life.... My music my soul,.... and my words a look into the past, present and what the future may or may not hold. 
And if I can have that resonate with someone else, to give them hope when they are struggling, or to bring them joy when they are down. 
Then my art is worth continuing to do. 
Art is not a regular job, it's a lifestyle and one I am so grateful to have found.

Poetry is simply words put into phrases and rhythms that make you think differently then if stated in a grammatically correct sentences. (thank goodness)

Poetry is art
like the sound of a wolf howling in a darkened night
it can be both scary and hypnotizing
It can bring shivers up your spine, and give you a sense of peace
poetry is in constant motion....never in your brain does it sit in silence
poetry is not relaxing, It is a race to find the end, the meaning.....
Poetry is challenging, in both prose, and moral compass
It causes one to question, to evaluate inward, as opposed to judging outward.
Poetry is not the same as songwriting as some might think
singing something, while also has hidden meanings, and moral wars that rage; combines words with music with theory, rhythm, and the ability to actually sing it. It is unique and something I debate with and argue with on a daily basis. 
Now classical music, that is different and can bring all sorts of images to the mind, it can create a story based on rhythm, instrumentation, tempo, solos and cymbal crashes. or even the slighted dining of a single bell. It can bring us to inspiring places such as the olympics, and horrible places such as Dresden.
Poetry is art, and lyrically can be used in songs and rap sometimes
Music is art and can be used to enhance the words and rhyme scheme of poetry, but they are two separate forms of the unique and wonderful world of art. 

I am thankful for my music teachers, and my english teachers for encouraging me in both these endeavors.

Hard=Hard
January 4, 2014 at 11:57pm

I don't wear my heart on my sleeve
There's a reason for that
There is a distance between others and myself
There's a reason for that
Things need to be done certain ways, or anxiety takes hold...you might not understand, but.....
There's a reason for that
If you cross me or my family.....their will be hell to pay
There's a reason for that

Nighttime is when I shine,.... and when my darkest demons come out to play
There's a reason for that.
I think differently...I process things differently...I don't understand things you might find easy
There's a reason for that
I'm quick to give, and I'm quick to guard....my life means nothing to me but I'd die for a close friend.
There's a reason for that
Others always come first, 
There's a reason for that
I will work as hard as I can to fulfill my dreams and goals....failing more often than not
There is a reason for that.

Music inspires, calms and fuels me
There's a reason for that.
Some, would consider me self destructive 
There's a reason for that
Beat me up drag me down, hit me on the field of battle, let me feel the pain of the hit, the hardness of the fall...... and then let me hit back. 
I don't like fake people, or who put themselves first while leaving others in their wake. 
There's a reason for that.
I'm loyal to the end, but if you play me, expect repercussions
yea...there's a reason for that.

you might think I am lazy...... Because I didn't reach my potential, Because my dreams didn't come true...Because I'm dependent when I long to be independent...Because I'm not the fantasized image you have in your mind of me
There's a reason for that

But you don't really care..because your definition of my life has nothing to do with me, but how you perceive how I "should" be.
There's a reason for that

So ask me how I am.....and hear my reply.... "fine", and then I'll ask how are you.
That's right I will deflect, because I'd rather find a way to be helpful to you
There's a reason for that

in the end Hard = Hard 
My battles you may never see or know, at least not all of them.
but maybe slowly we will come to an understanding and a place of support and love.




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Well I have not been able to write due to another concussion, but I wanted to post something as it has been a couple months since my last post.  I wrote this poem a while back and thought it was worth putting out there.  So here ya go:

Standing in a corner,
I watch, as you shift in your seat.
Many have come up and said hi, some even offered you a drink.
But, you and I both know that none of it’s sincere,
Instead their actions are out of pity, and out of fear.
But, I see how unique you are, how your compassion flows.
I see that even though your quiet, your silence speaks volumes of truths. 
I understand, how it is to be, the one who's being watched; While everyone waits, for that one big mistake, that puts you on the chopping block. 
As they leave one by one, they glance back as if to say...
"I'm glad I'm not that person, what a wasted life that would be"
Somehow, they are better than you, and as they walk close by, I hear the whispers, the hurtful words, and all the spoken lies.
I'm sorry I can't defend you, I'm sorry I didn't try.
But unlike them I know it all too well.  In fact, I understand why....
Why you sit there, staring at the floor, hoping no one sees your eyes.
You see I'm in the other corner, and they also pass me by.
My eyes are as dark as yours, but I won't let them see.
They talk in quite voices, and cast daggers at my soul.
I can hear their whispers of judgment, and anger,
Even though they do not know.
But I do.....
I know the pain and hurt you feel,
For I am just like you. 
An outcast of society, because we don't fit their rules.
And we may try our hardest,  but we can never be…. part of their upper echelon, their golden society.
I know you see me, because I see you, and yet neither of us move.
Instead we take quick glimpses and see each others woes.
You and I are so similar, and only now do I see why.
I am you and you are Me….Shadows of each other’s lives.
And So I also know, that when everyone is gone, and the lights are all turned off
We will disappear into the darkness…..without notice or fault.

 

Well, this post is all about expectations, fears, and the ability of our mind to take something very simple and complicate it so much that we find we cannot even fathom a way to overcome it. 

The last month, or so, I’ve witnessed this phenomenon both first hand, and from afar.  It’s funny though, you can’t really see it first hand, until someone else points it out and even then, you deny that they are right.  What your mind has created is so real, that there is not even the possibility for you to see it otherwise. In fact, the only way for you to eventually see that what you your mind has conjured up, is perhaps a bit off, is for the event to unfold; completely and without any regard to you.  The true reality has to ultimately hit you up side the head, and wake you from your fig-minted reality. 

When you witness someone else going through the same thing, you see him or her build these walls, that are basically layered with air. Nothing substantial holds them together; no mortar, or glue, just space in between the blocks they are building. Space, that their mind does not fill, space that to them becomes solidified, even though everyone else can see right through it.  Trying to reason with such a person is pretty much a defeated task right from the start.  They feel as though there is a fortress around them; that their story, their idea, is set in stone.  Therefore, the best possible thing you can do, is to enter in with them knowing that the walls really don’t exist, or at least aren’t as high as they think they are.  Perhaps, even take a ladder with you, so that when they start to realize that the walls are crumbling, and that they are not closed in; that there is in fact light on the other side, you can help them get there without falling off the top, back into their wandering mind.  Because, the thing about our mind, is that it does not always learn the first time.  We continue to build the same walls, the same lies or truths, whichever way you see it, over and over again until finally our mind learns a new way to think.  It’s only then that we can start to see how things might occur differently than what we first thought; and only then can we accept the reality, that maybe someone else knows a truth we cannot see.

We as people, at least most of us, tend to jump to the worst possible outcomes and build from there.  No one I’ve met ever says, “I know that is going to work out, and their will be rainbows and butterflies, and everyone will get alone etc.”  No, instead it’s “I know this isn’t going to work, people will hate me, their will be dragons and fire, and the earth will fall from underneath my feet”. We learn to expect the worst, and when something good comes along we wait for the “catch”.  Because we can’t fathom anything “good” happening to us, without some sort of expectation, we beat ourselves into the ground.  We are free to give accolades and positive reinforcement to others; free to help others see the truth about what they perceive might be a “Boogie Man” in the closet.  But, we ourselves fear positive accolades, we don’t allow ourselves to be treated with the high regard and respect we treat others.  We treat ourselves as less than, and that is when the mind starts to wander. It gets caught, much like a skipping movie reel, so that the only way to fix it is to take it off, rewind it, and start from the beginning.  Only then can we see, that the end of the story is not always what we expected. Sometimes, it turns out we were watching a different movie the entire time. 

“I feel like a fifth wheel.”;  I can’t tell you how many times in my life I’ve heard that saying. Sometimes by family, other times by friends, but usually, and probably more often, I hear it inside my own head.  Other people have the same ideas but use different phrases. So, after a weekend at home, and some “discussions” with my family,  it struck me that being a “fifth wheel” is not the negative characteristic, many people deem it to be. 

Let’s consider what a fifth wheel is and does.  Sure, it rides unnoticed through out our travels, dirty and underused.  Most the time it does not shine.  Instead, the dirt we have not washed off shadows it, and masks it’s beauty.   We rarely “take care” of it;  it is left to defend itself from foreign objects that attack it without warning.  It is made to endure through harsh conditions, when everything else is strapped in and kept warm.  It is underestimated, forgotten and often, considered less important than the other four wheels.  Most of us probably even forget that we may need it someday.  

 I think, this is what makes it the most special, important, and strong wheel of all.  It gets us out of trouble when we are stuck.  It doesn’t need to shine all the time, but when it does, it’s more brilliant than we could have ever imagined. When one tire fails it fills in without hesitation.  It does not look for accolades or support, instead it shoulders the weight of what is broken, and takes the hits in order for everyone else to make it to safety.   A fifth wheel is in fact one of the most underrated, taken for granted, and beat up friends we have.  It is our savior, when the chips are down.  And after it has served its purpose, it willingly goes back to being just that, a fifth wheel.  A guardian of sorts, waiting and ready for the next time it is needed.  

So, the next time you think you are a fifth wheel, remember just how important you truly are.  Not everyone can be the fifth wheel; it takes someone special, with unique character, and unwavering perseverance.  But if you are the fifth wheel, stop looking at the fact that you are not always in use the way others think you should be.  Because when the time comes and they need you, they will wonder how they ever got along without you; and they will see just how special you truly are.

Wandering amidst the darkness
anxiety creeps up to take hold
every little sound brings a startled realization
that you are not alone.

Wandering amidst the darkness
tension builds, fear grabs your throat
breathing is labored, and muscles are sore
could this be death, knocking on your door?

No light shines through, you cannot see.
your other senses must guide you, through this distorted reality.
You can taste the bitterness in the salty air
Your head pounds, from the non conforming beat, of the unrelenting sounds.

You reach out,...But There is nothing, only space.
You turn in circles, your fear takes hold, and the tension brings you to spasms that rack your soul.
In the last moment before you fall, you realize that you are leaning against some sort of cold blackened wall
it's icy shock makes you draw back,
your trembling fingers start to glide,....over its rough edges, and smooth sides
and then you feel it, your spirit jumps, you hold your breath as you flip the switch,
blinded momentarily you must wait,.. until your eyes adjust and dilate

It seems like an eternity but the moment passes,
light shines everywhere now, and the darkness is shattered.
your breathing slows, you have found your peace.....

Well at least for now...
until the switch is flipped again, sending us wandering amongst our fears, insecurities, and broken dreams.

Ok so here’s a quick History lesson for you: 

Presidents’ Day is an American holiday celebrated on the third Monday in February. Originally established in 1885 in recognition of President George Washington, it is still officially called “Washington’s Birthday” by the federal government. Traditionally celebrated on February 22—Washington’s actual day of birth—the holiday became popularly known as Presidents’ Day after it was moved as part of 1971’s Uniform Monday Holiday Act, an attempt to create more three-day weekends for the nation’s workers. While several states still have individual holidays honoring the birthdays of Washington, Abraham Lincoln and other figures, Presidents’ Day is now popularly viewed as a day to celebrate all U.S. presidents past and present.  --www.history.com/topics/presidents-day.

Wow!! Who knew, I mean I thought it was just another day for huge car sales, and for another three-day weekend.  I mean really, there are actually historical based traditions for this day?  Hmmm, I’m pretty sure that the majority of the people if asked, would just think it’s another day of “Huge Sales”.  They might think it’s a day to celebrate our nations past presidents.  But most just celebrate the fact that they don’t have to work on a Monday.  In fact, the majority of the people I encounter, on a daily basis, would be more excited about the fact that they could go to the mall and get a t-shirt for 2 dollars, than the fact that we are an Independent Nation.  I’m all for celebrations and sales, but not without remembering what the celebration is supposed to feature.  I highly doubt Washington would want to be included with every President we’ve ever had.   So here are some little facts that I happen to know about our First President, and Father of this Country:

                                   1. George Washington was our nations first president, and   
                                       given the name “Father of his Country”.


                                   2. He was, and still is one of the greatest Military commanders in History. 
                                       He Lead by example His Mottoes “ Deeds not Words” and “For God and my Country.”

                                  3. He was strongly rooted in his Faith in God, and frequently 
                                     read from the Bible during speeches.

                                  4. Washington never officially joined a political party because 
                                      he thought they created too much division.

                                 5. He was a Surveyor, a Commander, and a Justice of the Peace.

                                 6. He was a Delegate to the Continental Congress, Presided over the 
                                    Constitutional Convention, and Became our Nations First President.

As a nation we still look to George Washington’s’ ideas and principles, for the foundation in which we continue to build this nation.  Perhaps we should be a little more aware of what he stood for, and why his ideas worked.  Maybe we need to get back to our roots just a little bit, and stay fast to the ideals that this nation was built on.  Maybe we should be more concerned with the lack of honesty, integrity, and individualized me attitude that our “Leaders” now possess, than whether they are Democrat or Republican.  Perhaps, if we as a People once again stood together, this country would rise up instead of continuing to fall apart.  Instead of tearing each other down, instead of double standards for different classes, let us unite as one.  Let us be the “Greatest Nation, and let us learn from our past, so that we may have a brighter future.  Just something to think about while you finish celebrating Presidents day, or more formally known as Washington’s Birthday!


"While we are zealously performing the duties of good citizens and soldiers, we certainly ought not to be inattentive to the higher duties of religion. To the distinguished character of Patriot, it should be our highest glory to add the more distinguished character of Christian." - General Orders - May 2, 1778

 

It's funny how people can be so arrogant and set in their ways about something they know absolutely nothing about.  Like Sheep most of us just follow the herd, blindly looking down, never looking up to see we might be walking right of a cliff.  Most people never question what they are told or taught, thus creating a society full of naive perceptions of life; what is right, wrong, just, fair, etc., that is, until they learn about how something or someone's ideas affect someone they love.  

In 2007 I suffered a Traumatic Brain Injury, and my world has been flipped upside down ever since.  I was two sport Collegiate Athlete, Excelled in my Academics, and was the Most Outstanding Senior in my College's graduating class in 2002.  I planned on making a big impact on society, I was going to make a difference!  I would teach and coach the next generations; instill wisdom, discipline and sense of self worth in others!  I would write and play music, maybe even make it big with one of my hits.  I would have my own place with my own furniture, a new car, and be financially independent and stable. Perhaps I would even find love.  I felt as though I could do anything, I was invincible. I was going to live the "American Dream".

It only took a split second in time to change everything I had dreamed of, who I was, and how I viewed myself, and others.  Now I wonder will I ever have a day without a headache, will I ever get to enjoy playing my saxophone again, will I ever be able to support myself, or am I to live the rest of my life relying on others to support me?  Who am I, What can I do, Can I make it through the day, are now the questions that rack my mind. Physically I look "normal", well other than a nice dent in the side of my head.  Looking "normal" is great, but if people can't see an injury, disability, or "flaw", they have a hard time understanding it.  If you can't write because you broke your arm, all it takes for someone to understand is to see your cast.  When you injure your brain, there is no cast.  Sure I had staples for awhile, and nice shaved head, and a great scar!,  But my hair grew back, the staples came out, and even though the scar and dent remain, people don't understand that that scar represents a very small part of my injury.  What they don't see is the brain that was bruised, they don't see the metal plate and screws holding my skull together.  They don't see the pressure that increases, that in turn raises my headaches to migraines. They don't see the inactive areas of the brain causing memory loss, word finding problems, insomnia and fatigue.  They don't see the frusterations anger, depression, anxiety, and sence of complete loss.  What they see is a functioning individual who should be doing more, who should be pulling their own weight to make a better society. What they don't see is the hill I must walk up every day, a hill that never seems to crest.  They don't see how what they consider to be "functional" takes every last ounce of effort for me to achieve. I don't tell you this to make you feel sorry for me, I tell you this to help you understand, so that you can become more informed.  So that maybe instead of following, you turn around and start to lead the heard in a better direction.

I hear comments all the time about how people on Medicare, and Welfare, or any other government help are "lazy" have an entitlement complex, and just aren't trying".  Before my brain Injury in 2007, there is no way I ever would have thought I would now be one of "those people".  But I am, and even with the "government help" which by the way is like trying to navigate a through a circus, while you, try to juggle all the red tape they throw at you, I still can't live independently, I still can't function as a productive member of society.  Am I proud of that? Not in anyway what so ever!  But when people say I'm not trying, I want to put them in my shoes for a day, and see just how long they can remain standing.  My bet most people wouldn't last very long. 

It's been 5 1/2 years since my injury, 4 of those I had no government help what so ever.   Now that I do, I am more limited as to what doctors I can see, when I can see them, and for how long.  Eastern Medicine, forget it, because the government doesn't consider them as "medically needed"; they consider it "elective medicine". Well, they are right, I'm electing to try and figure things out, trying to get off their system, but I can't.  It's literally the perfect example of a catch 22.  I am not going to go into every detail of how insane the system is, or how uneducated people really are.  I am both grateful and ashamed of the help I receive; and I long for the day when I can be an individual again, not some case number.    

What I want is for people to realize that their comments hurt, and are based on stereotypes, fear, and lies.  Like so many other things in life, that we don't understand, we immediatly consider them "bad, wrong, and  unworthy."   We fear "it" or others, because we cannot relate to them.  But sometimes it's not about relating, so much as it is about having compassion and understanding.   Instead of fearing the unknown we can own it, we can discover new paths to go on.  No one's journey is as individualized as they might like to think.  We all need some help along the way, some just more than others.  So, if you find yourself flipped upside down at some point, I hope you will remember that no one dreams of the life I am now living.  I hope you find yourself able to withstand the constant negativity and deterrents.  I hope that the people that surround you are more educated, understanding, and helpful.  I hope, that the system provides you with solid foundation to help rebuild your future, instead of the constantly shifting foundation that it is now. Mostly, though,  I hope that you are never flipped upside down. 

Do I still have dreams? The answer is sometimes; But dreams are just that dreams: fictional hope that we provide ourselves to make it through the days. Living in reality is a much harder task.  There is not always rainbows, and sunny skies.  In fact their are usually quite a few storms.  What helps to make it easier, is if the people around us have the knowledge, compassion, and love to allow us to move forward; even if it's only an inch at a time.