Blog Posts - Jessie McGee Interpretive Art

Scrambled Brain = Scrambled Thoughts

5/4/2015

Scrambled images and flashing lights that blind.
Eyes shielded by hands to small to block the insanity
Broken,… unwanted,….. tainted….., terms that seem to fly on endless waves of air;
Amongst voices,…. shouting incomprehensible phrases.
Straining to listen,…to figure out what it is……
What it is, that is wanted,….what and how to reply?
Noise…. nothing but deafening noise, no clarity in words, just piercing tones and frequency’s, distorted and out of sync…..please just make it stop!
Shadows gain ground, with objects in hand…..
Walking trying to find a way out of this vicious cycle;
Moving in and out of darkened alleys, and shot out street lamps
Shadows lurk along the sidewalks, and in the corners.
Constantly following, coming closer and closer.
The cold breath of death enters the lungs,
Lungs that used to hold warm air; bringing a voice to people who didn’t have one.
Lungs that at full capacity put out music, so gentle and true
Honest, raw, and hard…. giving strength, to many, not just a few.
A voice that was strong, not the one now weak and fragile
When did things change……Why……for what purpose?
Scrambled images and flashing lights that blind….;
Curled up in a corner where a crack of light shines through
The voices are still strong, nothing makes them go away
What to do, inhale for strength, or exhale; finally finished with a life that never made any sense?

Hockey....WHAM...and Life Lessons.

2/13/2015

If I was a still a player you know what I'd do? I'd find me some WHAM buddies and make a rink or two. We'd find our skates, and lace them real tight. We'd strap on our pads and Tape our Sticks, readying ourselves for the fight….. (Uhmmm, I mean game). With Jersey’s of Black, Red, Blue, and maybe even White; we’d be looking sharp, no doubt we would be the Stars of the night.

We'd find us some Goalies, and oh how thankful we'd be, to finally get the game started, just a little after 3:33. So there we were, under the moonlit sky, shinning through the trees; giving us light, so that we could properly see that black rounded puck which would be lost a minimum of at least 10 times.

Mouth Guards in, Helmets strapped tight, the first puck is dropped, and bodies fly by. Codes are revealed through garbled words and gestures, pointing out the fact that, yes once again, you are off sides. You would think they would teach you some rules before being thrown in with these wolves, but instead you realize this is death by fire; you must prove yourself smart, worthy, and willing to take a hit, if need be, for the elders who are screaming words....of what I’m sure can only be described as encouraging mentorship. Words fly through your mind, none of which you say, and then to add to your utter humiliation you catch an edge while trying to get back over the Boards. (Gasp) Yes that short little wall, that has somehow risen another 3 feet from when you climbed over it just moments ago. “What the Hell am I doing ”, has itself on repeat in your feeble little brain; All with the constant laughter from your “Teammate’s”. That’s when you remind yourself you’re an ADULT ; and that if kids, half your size can do this so can YOU!!!! You get one leg over and then all hell breaks loose! You hit the player going in for you in the back of the head, (she is less than pleased) with your stick; and although it was totally unintentional She is now thoroughly pissed. The Laughter, from your so-called teammates, has moved over to the other bench . So as you lay half on the boards, head towards the ice, unable to do anything about you’re current predicament, you think “is this really worth it,?”, as the sound of your teammates laughter drowns out all other noise, and you know your dignity has now been completely stripped, you manage to get upright with the help of the ref.; Whom you thank, but up till this point has been useless…… But even he laughs after skating by.

What to do now…it’s what athletes, true athletes, ask themselves a thousand times a day. Doesn’t matter if you’re at work, watching a game, playing in one, you constantly strive to be the best. Everything in you makes you push yourself, sometimes too far, but it’s what you know; it’s how you’ve gotten to where you are now. So, do you keep your head down, fake an injury and sit out to save your dignity? Do you get mad, blame your teammates or the refs for making bad calls, or not teaching you the “correct” way? Or, do you get just mad enough at yourself, to make you want to do better, to prove them wrong, to make up for your mistake? Do you chalk it up to a learning experience, or do you decide you’ll never play again.

As you sit on the bench contemplating you’re options, you may or may not realize the decision you make, (even in a pick up game of hockey), can define you as a person. Yea you’re buddies are all watching, and probably still making fun of you, but you’ve blocked that out. There may be someone of importance you are trying to impress, I'm sure by now it's a lost cause, (but who knows right). The other factor, is the kid that came along who’s sitting on a bench, who’s heads been down, earphones in, you notice is now looking straight at you. Seconds pass, Silence doesn’t exist, and your mind is spinning. The noise is so great, its too much; the whistles, the screaming from the benches, the player who is always trying to give advice won’t shut up, even though you’ve acknowledged them. You’re trying to figure things out, when you can’t even focus yet on what just happened. Then you catch his or her eyes, eyes that have lost hope, and you decide to swallow your pride, because you know all too well what it’s like to lose hope. The shift change is coming, and it’s now or never. You get up waiting for your player to get close enough so you can hit the ice without causing another penalty. But this time, you decide to use your skates and not your face, which proves to be much more efficient and less painful. You look at the wall and easily get over it and on to the ice; you are determined. There is no Fear, no Hate, no second-guessing. You were made to play, and to be the best you can be; (granted you’re not there yet, but eventually with the right help, it’s a possibility); you hear no one, you just see the eyes. You’re not a hero, the fact is most the time you hate yourself, but now you have a purpose, not for you (I mean you want to be the best), but your purpose is for this kid struggling. Who now is watching your every move. Your reactions are too slow, you’re an out of control “Newbie’; but at this moment you’re going to prove that one fall doesn’t knock you down, and that getting back up, although hard and sometimes humiliating, is possible. You are greater than the image you’ve previously established. An icing call gives you the time you need...... You skate over to the kid, pound on the glass, and give a nod as if to say… “I understand, but watch what can happen when you believe in yourself.” You know that kid is now watching you, as you take your position. Be strong, stay low, see the puck, head up, watch your teammates… learn. You’re not called for being off sides again. Yea you fall, shit happens, but you get up every time, and give a nod to the kid, who thinks there’s nothing worth living for. Sometimes a sport is more than just a sport; it’s a chance to do something great with your day, a chance to make the worries of being an adult shed off you as you skate you’re heart out. It’s a time where you take hits, and you give them; but it’s the best physical contact you could ask for. It’s everything you need, to feel a sense of peace, even if it’s only for the 1 hour you’re on the ice. Many won’t understand, they can’t and they ask, “Why waste your time, what purpose does it serve?” " Why put yourself at risk for a major head trauma again?" "What joy comes from getting sick after, sometimes during, every game, or really any physical activity that get's your heart rate u:?" Some would say “grow up, it’s just a game”; "the Risk is too great, it could kill you, or leave you in a vegetative state." If that happens just kill me. Maybe they are right, maybe I need to stop being an athlete, but that's like asking a Wolf not to be a wolf. So yea its may seem stupid, carless, etc,; But not to you, and not for the kid who’s watching. It’s so much more. It’s where you will come to find peace, strength, and the bond with others that only teammates can bring. It is where you will learn self-discipline, and that sometimes you must take the blame, or hit, or whatever you define it as, for the betterment of the team. You’ll learn how to build someone else up, you’ll learn to listen to those who’ve played longer, are more experienced, and are willing to share their wisdom with you. You'll either be a leader or you won't, and You’ll learn how to take both positive and negative criticism, because really it’s all good; It's all relevant, important even when you can't understand why. At some point clarity will come, and you'll be that much better for giving something you don't understand the ability to reveal itself to you. So Why even try you ask? Because it makes you a better person. Is it hard yes, but that doesn't mean it's bad. You’ll learn things about yourself you never knew existed. You’ll also learn things about yourself that you find to be horrible characteristics, so you’ll try to change them; or you won’t and that’s you’re call too. Mostly you'll find yourself, in the midst of chaos, noise, and utter fear, you'll find who you are deep down within your soul. It won't be easy, and you may forget from time to time who you really are. But don't worry, their will be those around you; who see you as a far greater person than you'll most likely ever see yourself. They will tell you things they admire about you, why they love you, what they've learned from you. It may all seek surreal to you, and you probably won't be able to appreciate their words, till later on. But the seed will be planted, so that you may mature and grow; and then help others to do the same.

So, If I played hockey, I'd be the best I could be at where position I played. i would be there for my teammates, through thick and thin. I would listen and learn; but I would also give advice when I deemed it necessary. I would fight for my friends if need be. But I would not ever sacrifice my integrity, honesty, and Willingness to take a hit in order for a friend, teammate, or entire team to become closer....a family of sorts. that is what I would do if I could still play.

P.S. (Please let me know if you find any grammatical errors, or any other mistakes and/or confusion. Thanks!!!!)

New Year. 2015

1/9/2015

As we slip into the New Year, either alone, with loved ones, or with friends at our sides, many will rejoice in its new beginnings and ideas. Celebrations, with loved one's and friends, will last well into the night and early hours of the “New Year”. Many will consider the day as a new start to a better life; one which doesn't have the same mistakes, stresses, and pitfalls of the previous year. Some will dislike the number, 2015, simply because it ends with an odd number, but when you add it up it’s even; and so yet others will find relief in this fact, and have it be their favorite. Others will think it will bring them luck; but whatever you think, it's just a number, just another day, just something created to keep track of this life here on earth. Some of you may say this is too dark and pessimistic, but I say it is just statements of what are, what was, what could be, and what might have been,….. just realistic. I don’t know you or your life, or the struggles you may have faced. I only know my own, and how my year played out. It wasn’t the best, and it wasn’t my worst, (although it was pretty damn close). Lots of falls, and bumps; Lots of should haves, would haves, and could halves. Lots of time spent trying to figure out how to better my life, when everything in me says push through, but everyone around me says “no, you can’t you must rest”. I’m sure those of you who are athletes will understand, there is always a come back, it takes work, it hurts, but it can be done; and yet, it’s been a 7.5 year comeback, and nothing is changing. I’ve been through my darkest days, not wanting to continue on, I’ve gone through countless medications trying to “fix” me. Or having others try to “fix me”; surgery is coming up, but even that will not “fix” me, it will just change me, all I can do is hope for the better. I have not right to complain, my life could be worse, I have a roof over my head, food, family that is supporting me; and although I hate it I know I am blessed. I have a few close friends, a family that doesn’t “get me”….but loves me, and the Best Dog and friend I could ask for named Annie . Maybe it was your best year yet, full of good times, cheer and grace; love laughter and celebrations of joy. Maybe it was your worst, if so, I hope you find this year to be more joyful, fulfilling, and if nothing else…….peaceful.

The fact is, nothing really changes… when the clock strikes midnight, fireworks go off, we do whatever it is we have decided to do to “forget” or “remember, we do what we must to try and stop, or gain more time. Something none of us can do; as time is fleeting, and uninterrupted, and something none of us can control.

The New Year is a celebration of the "death" of the last 365 days, and the beginning of the next 365 days. Whether they are good days or bad days, there will be more days. For many, these days will be remembered with joy and the hope for a better year. For others they may just want to bury the past, and forget.
It’s a celebration of a New Year filled with nothing, no mistakes, or missed chances. No loved ones lost, a new slate, wiped clean…Or at least that’s what we tell our brain. We focus on what we want to change and control. How we can make ourselves better, more productive, stronger, healthier; Giving ourselves goals to achieve, to become whole. Yet we are surprised that after an initial “good start” it becomes hard work, uncomfortable, not what we expected, was over rated, etc.…… and we quit.

We make it all about “me” instead of possibly thinking outside the box, and making a better “we”, whether it be through volunteering, or helping a neighbor with some homemade meals or chores, or even just not doing something that may or may not cause pain for someone else, we have that choice. The choice of giving instead of taking, pushing ourselves and not quitting, remembering and not forgetting, even if forgetting is what we truly want to do. Giving of ones’ times Is the most preciouses gift we can give, it involves stepping outside ourselves, and putting others first. Some would argue that we should do what is right for yourself, but what’s “right” when you’re not helping anyone else. Even the “lowest” of jobs really aren’t low, and in fact are some of the hardest jobs and hardest workers you will run across; and yet we judge them, instead of thanking them; we put them down, tell them they aren’t worth the time….Why, because a society so wrapped up in “self” tells us so. So we go along with the idea, we follow the idiocy of it all like blind sheep. So that this year, then, becomes much like the previous year, where we tell ourselves we’ve failed, so why even try, pick up old habits, fall back into destructive spirals, and wave goodbye to the feeling of hope we had at midnight; When toasts were given, and fireworks lit off. When lovers found a new spark and others just found new friends, or remembered how important old friends were. Some of us remember loved ones we lost, and try to immortalize who they were, and wanted us to be, by trying to stop time. But we can’t, as the seconds tick by, there isn’t much time left before we must move on, and start the next 365 days of our “new life”. So we start anew thinking we will make this year something better or different, not stopping to think if we will even see tomorrow. There is no guarantee that we have another year, month, or even day to live. If only people celebrated the "now", this moment in time, as much as we celebrate the anticipated future.
So I guess my New Years thoughts are this; some lyrics from a song Mary and I wrote while in college, but has always applied to my daily life no matter what the year number is. Do I forget it…. yes like most of all my lyrics, or poetry, but that doesn’t make it any less true. Now is just another reminder for me; but maybe for you it will bring some clarity to what New Years is all about: "Live for the moment, in the hear and now, use every second of the day, every minute and hour, you never know when this day might be your last; You gotta stop, stop living in the past , take things in stride, and don't let life pass you by, got to go for what you want and take control”. LIVE FOR THE MOMENT, just don’t forget while you are living your life with purpose, every now and then check to see if someone might need the reminder from above; or a loving hand to guide them through the darkness they might be in. Be the Light you want others to see! I wish you all happiness, but mostly I just want you all to find yourselves and a sense of peace that goes along with wherever you are at.

Call it what you will.

12/10/2014

I was going to write something profound, something really unique But then I realized…. it’s all been written before, just in different prose, with actual ink.
None of my realizations, ideas, or questions, were, or are profound in any way…
The only thing unique thing about them, is that I dare to speak them…. out loud… in my own quirky, stuttering, sometimes backwards way.
With different words, slang terms, maybe some swear words too…..sometimes with a dope beat behind them, to give me courage… to keep the flow moving on,….when the word is right there,.. but just won’t come out, till someone gets the hand signs I’m giving, and finally figures it out.
And So we go on, to the next word in the phrase, hoping this time it’s not them that speaks the word,… but my own mouth, that clearly states it with ease.
Yes, I’m one of “those”, who dares to pose the question; …Who dares to challenge ideas and things….
Knowing with utmost certainty, I must deal with the truth/hurt/love/ or hate that it brings.
I’m one of “those” who can’t leave well enough alone, who has to get it right, because being wrong…..well, is just wrong.

I’m one of “those” who asked the wrong questions at all the wrong times….who turned left just to see where it lead, when I was told to turn right;
Who acted out in ways that weren’t “lady like”, or refined, but always stood behind my ideals even if it meant standing alone at the end of the line…
In my high top Nike’s with my cap backwards too, jeans too big and my Jerry rice Jersey…..Na I was no fool.
People trying to change me left and right, couldn’t just leave me be…. so I started doubting the ideas and dreams that made me….me
I didn’t conform, even though they tried, I wasn’t welcomed in; in fact most the time I was left outside.

I’m one of “those” who followed all the rules, who colored in the lines, Homework always done on time, and yet felt like a failure even with an A+ by my name….
because there was still something wrong with me,… I heard the whispers “it’s just a phase” “she’ll grow out of it”, and so I believed…..
There was hope to be normal, not judged all the time…
So I tried even harder, but still never changed…. except where I was at in life’s game.
Top of the athletic chain, president of my class… top musician too, all of these things kept me busy…and let them praise me too.
Took the focus off my “being”, and defined me by my “doing”….worked well for all, because everything real about me, could be put in a locker and closed up tight. No one, not even me, had to deal with the demons inside.
Because, It didn’t matter as much when we were winning games, if I wore my favorite players jersey after the games.
It didn’t matter as much if there were superior ratings at festivals written next to my name,….
If afterwards I went and sat alone in a corner, playing back every last wrong note, over and over again in my brain.

I was in charge, making decisions….so they called me a leader….
looked past the jerseys and less than feminine demeanor.
didn’t notice the harassment,….. didn’t care either,
Never wondered why I was so quiet, just assumed I was polite; never thinking….all the while….all I wanted was to die.
But I was helping others, volunteering where I could…. polite and respectful too…
Surely I was on the path to normalcy.
With all the right guidance to show me the way, I tried to emulate what was “Normal”,....
how to do it the “Right way”.

I’m one of “those” whose days and nights were filled with fear, Never getting it right, or “growing out of the phase”. …Still wearing hats, jerseys, and jeans and having Short hair.
Anger filled my life, Normalcy was never there; but there was definite Rage, hate, anger and Self loathing there.
I’m one of “those” who played their game, wore the masks, did what they wanted to please them to make everything “ok”.
But the masks I wore, brought resentment, and hate,…. a willingness to fight no matter the stakes.
Walls were built with anger and lies….truths were buried locked down tight
Eventually, after enough years they were solidified…..Nothing was getting in, hurt was no more, I was gonna shine,
So I Racked up the points, forging new routes, Made my “Doing” who I was, locked my “Being” away for good….had plans that everyone agreed would be a great fit.

I was one of “those’ who breezed through college, graduating Outstanding senior, I was sure to get a job.
Teaching and coaching, helping mold young minds, helping them believe,that they could be whomever it was, They wished to be.
Helping those who struggled, I could see it in their eyes, I’d been there before, I knew what to look for, even though they tried to hide.
Maybe I made a difference I can’t really say, but I know a few have contacted me just to say thanks.
And all I was, was a substitute teacher, I held no power...
But as a coach believed in every kid’s ability to be a winner.
In whatever capacity they wanted it to be; I was there to help them, to pave their Highway,…. make it a little less bumpy for them along the way.
A sense of normalcy was achieved, and everyone believed….I had made the right turn and was on the right path….Everyone that is but me.

I was still one of “those”, the Unaccepted, the one who bucked the rules, even while following them to a “T”.
It didn’t make sense, confusion, philosophical questions, formed, what was I doing wrong?
I’m one of “those” who fights without fear, and at the drop of a hat for someone or something I hold dear.
I learned at a young age not everyone can fight, some are too weak, too afraid, don’t know how…so I learned to stand in front and toe their line.
I was proud to do it, It was never wrong, standing up for someone who couldn’t….an important lesson I learned while I was very young.

I’m one of “those” who see’s things most people don’t,…. beauty in death, ugliness in life,…I see the Wisdom in the elderly, and the Innocent of youth….and together, when united, bring such wonderful truths.
I see us making the same mistakes, over and over again; failing to realize How amazing our lives could be if we’d only take a second to breath,… listen …and learn.
To put away our pride, toss aside our perceptions, stereotypes, and lies, and actually sit down with someone, and let them teach us about their lives.
I see things upside down, or angled when most see a straight line…maybe it’s my brain injury, or maybe it’s just how my brain works…..
Doesn’t really matter, it’s how I’m designed.

I’m one of “those” who’s tired of labels, and all the stereotypes, with no one listening, just thinking you know me when all you see is the shell I keep.
Or thinking because I’m an Identical twin we must be exactly alike;....
Ummm Nope guess again, we are still uniquely made;
She’s social, outgoing, loves a good time,… I on the other hand, am reserved, careful, calculating, and then might consider having a good time.
I’m one of “those” who may look Tough, even scary to some….I’ve been called intimidating at 5’4” and100lbs….really?..... to me that just seems dumb.
I’m one of “those’ who likes it though, it gives me an edge; lets me see your hand without showing my own; giving me an advantage when I feel I have none.

I’m one of “those”, people hate to be around; they Think I’m self centered, cocky, and must not care about others, because I’m silent and not loud.
I’m one of “those” who listens intently, even when you think I don’t hear a word
I’m one of those who will sit in the corner with my back to the wall, to feel safe, and secure…
So I can see everyone that walks through the door, the interactions that take place, the smiles, the awkwardness of some; and I can plan my defense and escape… if I’m feeling cornered, or uneasy in any way.
I’m one of those driven by fear, constantly checking behind me, always tense, never at ease, knowing they are talking about me, that there is something wrong with me.
I’m one of “those” who was gonna be a star….everyone had high hopes for someone so well put together and all.
I’m one of “those” that could hold it all in, and smile....when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball, in a dark cold gym
I was one of “those” “that had it made,… no problems, life was easy” that’s what they said.
I was one of “those” who could barley get out of bed, too afraid of what the day might hold, to afraid of what people would think if they knew of my fears, who I really was, what I believed, that some of my intentions were not good….God what would they say….if they heard the words inside my head

I’m one of “those” who lives and breaths because music runs through me.
Without it I am nothing, my heart has no beat, and aches for the Maestro to strike up the Strings; Slowly building, with horns and woodwinds, and the sound of the snare, bringing it all together, giving me strength to breath in the crisp air. So I move with each note and phrase, sometimes improvising along the way.
As long as the music continues, I will listen and play...... right up to the Finale, and the Maestro puts down the baton.

I’m one of “those” who used to always be in a hurry, Now I take my time,
I lived with my grandparents, cared for them, until they both died.
What I learned most is to cherish the time.
Breakfasts' with Grandpa and I, are something I’ll always hold dear; his quirky grin, I always wondered what he was thinking about as we sat on the patio watching the squirrels and birds go here and there.
I’m one of “those” who can’t really cook, but my grandpa ate the burnt toast, always said thank you, and smiled, knowing I’d eventually get it right.

I’m one of “those” with a Traumatic Brain Injury, and a disease you cannot see.
“You look just fine” they tell me, “Why don’t you try working Here or there”, what they don’t know or realize is I’ve already tried without success, only failed again and again, so I don’t go there.
I just smile and say “yea maybe I will”, satisfying their need to make me better, to define me by what they feel.
I’m one of “those” who’s tired of trying to explain, why I can’t get out of bed, why I’m sick, why I’m in pain.
I’m one of “those” who most will never get, complicated, unique, silent, and unequipped….
For those moments when someone asks “what do you do?” and all I can say is “nothing”, and then they slowly move away, wondering what’s wrong with you.
I’m one of “those” who’s tried to push through, failing miserably because apparently Brain injuries you don’t push through…but I’m an athlete so that’s what I know, So I push again, and probably will continue to do so.
I’m one of “those’ that is tired of hearing what worked for someone else….it’s been 7 1/2 years, I’ve tried, nothing works.
I’m one of those that on top of this TBI, has to deal with the taboo subject of a mentally ill person who just is never going to be “normal or alright”
I’m one of “those” who can’t accept this truth, it eats away my soul, there really isn’t much left to do.
I’m on of “those” who deals with anxiety, Severe Depression, OCD, and insomnia to name a few……and then there's the voices that won’t be quiet in my head.
Tell that to someone……they think your nuts.
So instead I put on their mask, I play the game, to make sure no one sees, or hears the darkness,
the hopelessness, the” being” I’ve lost.
I’m one of “those” who continues to "Do", so that you can define who I am, without really knowing the truth of my life as it is.
I’m tired of living a life to someone else’s standards, and then dying realizing I never really lived.

Broken Lives.

10/19/2014

Tea’s Black, Ice Cold, No Fear…Fearing things no one hears.
Eyes see broken worlds, Broken lives…
Lives without purpose, lives without drive

Always plugged in, eyes down starring Blankly at glowing Screens,
Disconnected from Reality, Defined by others’ storylines…..

Storylines that headline their “real life”, compared to other status, post and lies.
And we wonder why mental illness is on the rise?
When all we do is compare and envy people we barley know.
Knowingly calling them friends, but mere acquaintances are some, some we’ve never even met, but we accept….
So that our friend numbers go up, while our true friends fall by the wayside of our now computerized, illiterate and dumb-downed lives.

Tea’s Black, Ice Cold, No Fear…Fearing things no one hears
Eyes see broken worlds, Broken lives
Lives without purpose, lives without drive

Empty parks and swings that do not move.
Movement only occurs, through virtual lives… played on video games,
So they can be the hero, never having to imagine what a true hero is
So imagination dies, and when you take away the computers, phones and games
Children are left wondering what to do.
What to do with parents who are still locked in to screens, meetings, phone calls, anything, and everything but what their child needs. No bed time stories, no kisses goodnight, the words “I love you” are replaced with……silence
And that’s when their insignificance becomes realized, as the suicide rates go up and crimes committed by unconscious minds.
Hearts with no remorse, because in the video games if it all goes wrong, you just hit the reset button and start over again.

Tea’s Black, Ice Cold, No Fear…Fearing things no one hears
Eyes see broken worlds, Broken lives
Lives without purpose, lives without drive

Where a dad would rather watch a game on TV, then go out and teach his son or daughter to play
Where a mom is so focused on the image portrayed in magazines she doesn’t even notice her son has a drug problem, while her daughter starves and cuts herself….Both just trying to ease the pain.
The pain of neglect, the pain of no consciousness, the pain of trying to be who their friends tell them to be; and when the pain gets too strong they’ve no where to turn, for that lesson they’ve already learned.
Turning then to the only thing they know, they dive deeper into computer screens, numbing the mind,…..but a mind only stays numb for so long.
And when the pain returns ten fold with voices screaming in their minds, they turn to no one, because they’ve already learned….they are 2nd & 3rd to phones, meetings, and digital friends online.

Tea’s Black, Ice Cold, No Fear…Fearing things no on hears
Eyes see broken worlds, Broken lives
Lives without purpose, lives without drive

Divorce rates climb as communication deteriorates, where it’s easier to give up then work through the pain, an accepted part of today’s society
Entitlement Reigns……..work ethics are something of the past
Now instead of building each other up, we beat each other down, because it’s more normal To Get, than to lift someone up, even at the expense of ourselves
So up and down the ride goes, until you finally look up sick, unable to focus, and wonder where the time has gone.
No memories of your kids youth, you were too busy making all that money for which now there is no use. You have everything you ever wanted, fancy cars, a big house, giant TV’s to play your games, and digital device of the newest kind.
But you’ve no one left….
The house is empty, your husband or wife is gone, children who won’t call you mom or dad, because you gave up on them..
a life that could have been, if you could have put down the phone and put the memories in your mind, instead of in a virtual cloud online.

Life....a Joke....or just life?

9/26/2014

Just realized what a joke my life is, that is all. -9/24/14

In response to my earlier post about my life being a joke:

Thank you all for thinking my life is not a joke, but if you Dealt with all the doctors, idiots, and bull shit I deal with, you might find that some of it is Quite humorous at times. For instance when you go to a neurosurgeon, and have given them the information that you do in fact have memory issues, which they confirm through their neuropsych testing, and discover some other cognitive delays (oh which you already mentioned as well); and yet they talk so fast and interrupt that you don't know if you've just witnessed a new language, or somehow your ears are playing everything in reverse. Then try to get questions answered and they want you to come in for an appointment (oh except they forget that you live in MT). So instead want to do a phone consultation.....yea that will work real well since I can't understand shit over the phone, or remember the conversation once we've hung up. The comedy is real, because really it's about being able to bill me...so I told them Bill me but answer the email I sent you, so I know what the risks are for this surgery; and oh by the way get it scheduled before the new year, like I asked when I was there!!!! They also find it quite impossible to find the stacks of medical records that you so tediously and meticulously put together, (because your OCD won't let you to it any other way), and just brush it off as no big deal while you want to throw any immediate object at their head to ring their bell a bit. All while in a room, you swear is an interrogation room with its bright lights, but oh yea no sunglasses allowed. I also find it quite funny that even with a brain injury, I still felt smarter than the majority of the doctors, neurosurgeons, or not with whom I converse. Maybe I’m just dumb though.

My life is a joke in the fact that there have been riddles, punch lines, punches, "BAM **POW", not always funny ha-ha joke, but sometimes just a kind of F*u joke. I appreciate the insight from you all. I appreciate that you don't think it's a joke, but really how many people do you know, who "lets be honest", were quite good athletes, and yet have a head injury from falling out of a dumpster, and subsequent concussions from 1. Hitting a heavy bag at full force (that's right I'm still strong), 2. Having a shelving system fall on your head while cleaning, 3. Falling down stairs while helping others, hitting my head on a car door, and then a couple of hockey related ones that we won't dwell on 4. Almost breaking (more than likely breaking) your hand because you were so fed up that you had to hit something but the only thing to hit was a solid built building and your rage outweighed the judgment of just how stupid that might be (ok maybe that's not funny), 5. Live with your sisters, had to sell you car and are now driving the car you learned to drive in (that's right I have Big Red), 5. Ride a motorcycle, but can't cross the street without having someone make a joke about wearing a helmet. Am banned from all contact sports (some organizations have actually banned me, other have been doctors making phone calls about the liability. Finally, seeing so many doctors that no one knows what the hell is going on, even though you've sent a letter connecting them all to each other, they just won't communicate because of their damned egos. These are just a few of the "jokes" in my life. I could go on and on, but I'll spare you those punch lines.

So yea my life's a joke. Not sure what the next punch line will be.... so far, much like my life, it's undefined. And sometimes what seems to be funny sends me over the edge and angry. So yea my wires are crossed, I get that, there are lapses in judgment and memory. Lapses in; "what he f*ck am I supposed to be doing while I throw the ball for my dog..... Oh right I was supposed to be at some other appointment getting some new pill to help with god knows what. So yea my life is a joke, one without the humor of sports so much anymore, but definitely with some music and art, because some of the stuff I write and create, when I show to other people, their reaction at best is stuff "America's Funnies Home Videos'" were made of. (I know I'm old).

Anyway, thanks for the comments, and support, and the determination for some of you to push me beyond what I think my limits are. But just remember one thing, I'll go all out, and when I can't go anymore, you're going to have to accept that fact. And if you don't like what I say, or how I'm acting, try to remember, sometimes I really do have no control...TBI's are indefinable, different for all who suffer them, and then you add in some other "major issues", and you have a recipe for either some awesome jokes, or some really hard times. And that my friend is the worst "joke" of all.

Life, truths, lies and finish lines.

9/19/2014

Circling and circling, like some stupid cartoon character; with birds flying around and stars twinkling overhead. Eyes that go crossways, where every things fake; Reality is just a word, in which the definitions do not take,... but a second to realize that it is not true.

Truth and justice... words that fail, ideas and rumination's that wither and die, like roses in the fall, like the leaves on a tree; each falling separately but part of a whole. Like society.... and our lives...can you see the big picture now?

Life rushes by, we think there is so much time;... in reality, it's but a brief moment... described in seconds, with ideas and years that have been left behind. Some, are remembered for their words, others for their actions. Some, are remembered for the good they imparted on others; others for the selfishness they reflected. Some are merely forgotten, their memories fly on the jet streams in the wind.

We place importance on money, jobs, and things. We strive for perfection knowing perfectly well, it's always out of reach. We blame others for our faults and failures and expect society to give us what we want, merely because we want it. We do not expect to have to work for it;.... we have Grown Accustomed to Entitlement. \\

When in reality no one owes you a thing. No one owes you a perfect job, no one owes you a spot on the team, you must earn the right to play, to fly,... you must earn your wings. Some will try and try, but few will ever get there. Why....because there is a flaw in our system which is designed to make us fail. Unless we have the resources "mainly money"; we cannot compete. No matter what our skill level, no matter how many hours practicing we put in, no matter how bad we want it, sometimes society slams the door in our face....Then what do we do?

Some will keep trying to knock down the door, others turn away, giving up all hope. Some try to beat the system through lawsuits and lies, still feeling they are entitled to something for which they never really tried. For those that have put he work in, and sacrificed their dreams, their lives, it is but another failure they chalk up to life's uncertainties.

I for one, can dream of only one thing...My Independence from others, that is my dream. The ability to pay back the debts, that so many have paid. The ability to live on my own, like a true hero; and give back to them in return. I use to dream of things that were quite possibly out of reach. The first was being a boy so I could be A professional football player...probably was not one of my best choices, or dreams. A professional athlete, musician, writer, poet, artist, all were dreams, all I tried to achieve, some I have to a small degree... Others I never even had a chance to succeed at. In reality I was a failure before I even started, I just couldn't see it at the time; and now what do I have left....nothing but debt, broken dreams, no job to contribute to society. I can't play sports, I can't live my dreams, I'm a second class citizen just for being me. I don't even own my own car anymore. I'm a slave to society, to a government which was supposed to be "by the people, for the people, and of the people", but now is just a cooperation run by individuals who think themselves better than the classes now living below them. We have gone back in time where there is a hierarchy, that people like me, (who in all reality would be homeless and in poverty without my family), are now subjects to people we hold no value to, and in fact truly hold no value over us. Yet we are expected to play and follow there rules. Ever read "Commone Sense" by Thomas Paine...if you haven't I suggest you do.

In all reality we live under a dictator, with a socialist government, and puppets to hold it all in place. So you ask me why am I frustrated? Am I benefiting from the "handouts of our government?" That all depends on your perspective of what a benefit is. If all you see is the money I'm given to live on, look again, because I can't even support myself, get out of debt or off the system as it now exists. I see the posts about welfare, and jobs, drug tests and Social security; debts and loss. I know what is true, I know what is false, I'm a student of history I know the mistakes that we made, and now continue to make. Have we learned nothing?

But don't put me in some box, because you think you know me. Don't put me in a box because you think I don't deserve what I'm being given. I'm not proud of it and I wish I could give it back. I wish I could support myself, have a family, I wish I would have served my country. None of these things have I done, I don't know if I'll ever be able to do them and...Time is running out.

I'm running a race I know I am going to lose, and yet I still want to be first,..... but am scared of the finish line. because there will be no heats, or trials, it's just one long race with sprints here and there, obstacles we do not see or expect, holes in which we fall into, and can't get out....without paying someone else to bail us out, and being in debt is not a life anyone goes out trying to find. The worst part for me is the finish line itself, because it is just just that, Finite, with nothing after, and nothing left.

So I'm sorry for the misconceptions, lies, truths, beliefs, and stories. We all have our demons, we all our a society looking to be better than the person standing next to us. Why no instead, help each other be the best we can be together....build someone else up, expect nothing in return, and see what happens. Maybe nothing, maybe something. Either way the finish line is just ahead, in the foggy distance, on a road that may or may not be paved in gold.

A mistake....A purpose....Why am I the way I am?

9/14/2014

Sometimes I wonder why I am the way I am.
What's my purpose, why don't I fit.....why am I just wrong.
Wrong in my very being, the essence of who I am, and what I want to achieve
I wonder if perhaps I am a mistake.....
No, in fact, I know I am a mistake.....one that keeps changing, and yet is always the same.
I hate mirrors, reminders of the darkness that lies beneath the smile.
My skin crawls, my heart aches....but no answers come.
Agitation, Anger, Anxiety, death...now the driving forces in my life
Maybe God got it wrong,
maybe I should have tried harder, been better......conformed
Maybe I should have quit along time ago.
Sometimes I wonder What's the point in trying, when I don't know what the goal is
Will I ever achieve independence,
Will my headaches ever go away,
Will Surgery give me any peace?
will my TBI always hold me back, cause confusion, fatigue, and a multitude of other problems.
It has already caused me to lose the part of me I was most comfortable with...an athlete, a high achiever, a perfectionist.
To be the best, to stay busy with anything and everything that took my mind away from the thoughts now circling through my head
A constant reminder of the mistake that I am.
thoughts and feelings that torment my soul.... at night, during the day, in every waking moment, even in my sleep.
No dreams come, when they do they are of death, and darkness.
How can some be so happy, while others so tormented.
I loath who I am, even in my successes, which are far and few between
Will I ever get to return to sports, Will I ever achieve success
Will I ever get to truly be me.
and who is that, what will I be,....
a fading shadow amongst, the barrage of societal ideas.
I am but ashes in the wind.....the dirt for people to walk upon
Sometimes I wonder why I am the way I am.

Ramblings, ideas, and random thoughts.

8/17/2014

Yea I’m white, a mutt created from people that immigrated to this country to make a better life for their families. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have heritage, it’s just that it’s not as defined as some. It doesn’t make me less, nor does being a woman. I’m not some object to be taken,to be controlled, to be subjected and lowered to a sexual image alone. Granted I don’t really fit the criteria, but when are we going to stop degrading people and start lifting them up?

I respect heritage, whether it be Native American, African, Asian, Irish, English, People from the Amazon, or any of the other nationalities that I could list. Whatever it may be it’s important to who we are in some way shape or form. I’ve never felt like I fit so who am I to judge? In fact it would be better, if I took what I could, what they would allow me to learn, and take it to heart, and create some new heritage in my life, or at least an understanding of others. It might not be a complete understanding, but at least I’m trying.

Why do we keep living in the past? I did not enslave anyone, nor did I take anyone’s land. I simply was born on American soil, with white skin, eager to live my dreams. Have they come true, for the most part no? But I can tell you that the people that have helped me on my journey have been of different classes, backgrounds, races, and even political differences. Some have been strict Christians, some of Buddhist background, others have been of a People that spans back centuries. Do I understand it all, no; but at least it gives me a glimpse of hope of what the world could be. If we all just started loving each other for our differences, learning new things, and stop blaming people for things we have no control over, I think we would find that we are more alike than people think.

I can’t help that I’m Scotch-Irish/German/Norwegian, and who knows what else…. in other words a Mutt. But you know what, sometimes it’s the Mutt’s that are the most loyal, the most willing to sacrifice, the ones that smile at everyone with out hesitation because their goal is not to beat the next person; instead it is to help create some happiness in someone else’s life. So to my friends of mixed race, of different sexual orientations, to the “mutt’s” like myself and to those with strong based heritage; thank you. Thank you for teaching me about what makes you, you. What is important in your past, and what is important to your future; And if it’s in my power I hope I can help you reach your goals, I hope I can be respectful of what is sacred to you, and I hope you are willing to share some of your insight into a world I would not otherwise know.

Thank you, I hope we never stop learning, I hope we start Accepting people for where they are at, and quite creating classes. We know that it doesn’t work. Lets start taking care of each other here in America. I’m all for helping the human race whatever continent it’s on, but fighting other peoples battles, instead of helping are own, well that I have a problem with. Because, instead of learning from the past, we are just repeating it, with different words, to hide the truth.

We are all equal regardless of pay, regardless of success, because we are all human. With Human problems. That although we may think are unique to ourselves, we eventually find out, at least one other person has been through something similar. It’s hard to see it, and it’s even harder to reach out.

For me, it’s been a long process, and an ongoing process. People think I’ve got it all together, that I am somehow successful, and untouched by bigotry, judgment, and problems. Yet I’m completely supported by my parents, friends, and the government..not something I thought I would ever be. Nor something I want to be. It’s humiliating, and even more degrading when people tell me I should be doing better, when people look at the few things I do to try and make it through a day, and decide that I’m somehow taking advantage. Well I’ve done everything they’ve asked me to do, been through Voc-rehab 4 times and discharged with the words of “we can’t help you until you get the Headaches, fatigue/cognitive problems, and Depression under control. How? I don’t know but here ya go this is just part of my list of who I am now, none of which I am proud of.

So here it is and I hope it brings some understanding to some, and for others some sense of knowing they are not alone. I suffer from Post Traumatic Headaches from a traumatic brain injury that occurred 7 years ago. I’m still trying to put my life back together from it, some things have gotten better, others come and go, and still some of it that will never go away.   I have psoriatic arthritis, possibly hashimotos disease, Screws and plates that my body is now rejecting, holes in my skull, and other physical aliments. Annoying things to say the least, things that hold me back that have completely changed my life, and at times completely debilitating. But hey I “look fine” and there in lies part of the problem. A broken arm is easy to see that it is hurt and healing, not so much with the brain. And everyone is different. The other physical ailiments I’ve now accured are all steming form one thing…the Head injury. Before I was a two sport collegiate athlete, coach, teacher, outstanding Senior in my entire college. I had great plans, and now they are gone. I was going to serve my country, I was going to play professional ball, be a professional musician. The only thing I have left of these is music, art and writing. But for an athlete this is not enough. But people don’t understand especially non-athletes. Accepting it is hard, and I’m still not completely there after 7 years. But I also suffer from major depression, anxiety, agitation, Bi-polar, OCD, paranoia, Memory problems, word finding problems and other Cognitive delays; and apparently I don’t trust people…. huh who knew.

I’m supposed to be the one people can count on, to press through, and to go on no matter the pain. I’m the person people come to for advice and yet I feel like a child still, reliant on my parents, and many others. I long for independence, something many of you may take for granted. Some days are better than others, some days I just want to give up, and that’s when all the above mentioned people come into play, because they give me insight, new ways to look at things, music to get me through. Most of what I love, who I was has been stripped from me, so I am left standing in the middle of the ring, waiting for that last blow, but I can’t help but fight, no matter how badly beaten I am. No matter how tired my legs are. In fact many of you may not even know how you’ve impacted my life. How your words, smiles, or even just nods of understanding instead of judgment have helped.

Do I have it all figured out…ha! Not even close. But I’m trying, and yea some days I want to throw in the towel, my problem is I can’t remember where I put it.

Silent Death

6/5/2014

Sickness festers in boiling blood
Ice flows through hardened veins
no one sees, no one knows
spread on molecules of air
blown to and fro with a growing breeze

blood seeps from pores
tremors take over stiffened joints
breath grows shallow...
Heart beat quickens
An eerie silence...Time stops.

Tick-Tock-tick-tock

a pool of blood and tears....a body now lays still
Eyes open.... staring at something beyond
arms stretched out....a last breath
the last one,... everyone is gone
empty streets, no children's cries
leaves have fallen, trees are but ghostly shapes
Death lingers here
death owns the night,.. and nothing living dares return.

Author

I am currently on a journey to rediscover who I am, what I want to do, and how I can become the best person I can be. The trick is to accomplish these tasks without sacrificing myself to the expectations of an unrealistic, and materialistic society.

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