​People ask me “what is it you want out of life?” Kind of a loaded question really. Most people expect you to reply with a career choice, or a certain income.  That’s not what I want. Sure money is nice, but I don’t want to be a billionaire. It would be great to own a house, but I more than likely never will.  I’ve always wanted a Mustang; instead I have a Durango that I still owe on.   It’s not money, fancy cars, huge houses, or lots of “friends” that I want. So what is it then?
 
I want independence, so that my parents and sisters can live their own lives, and not feel responsible for me. I want to not be in debt to Credit cards, Medical bills, food, and basic cost of living, or to my parents, (even though they would say I don’t need to pay them back)…I DO. They should be retiring enjoying each other, without the weight of a daughter on disability, who they still take care of her own shit.   I want a JOB, yet no one will hire me because of my TBI, headaches, Depression, anxiety, OCD, and other “abnormalities”.  My Caseworkers have been useless; and I’ve been kicked out of Vocational rehab 4 times, based on my headaches and metal disorders. They can’t help me, they say, until I get them “under control”.   Isn’t that the job, helping people who can’t find a “normal job”, at least find some sort of job?  Hmm. Ten years people, it’s been Ten years of this, they aren’t going away (I’m talking about the headaches), nor are the other deficits I have.  I’m treated as “lesser” in the medical world because I’m on Medicare.  I’m treated lesser in life, because I “shouldn’t be on disability”; because I don’t want what is “normal”.  People tell me I need to try harder, not give up, to change who I am, and to be patient, as though those things will make it all “ok”.  Let me let you in on something; My entire life was changed, I’ve been fighting, tried to be patient, give and do things WAY out of my comfort zone.  Nothing works.
 
Then, I have people say, “ You look Great, and you must be feeling better”.  Yep, I’m feeling better because I stopped taking a medication that my doctor, more than likely, would have kept me on forever.  My headaches haven’t changed though, I just can eat now without feeling sick all the time, I get a little better sleep, and am not as suicidal all the time….Doesn’t mean I’m “better”.  I’m also 10 years into living my life with chronic headaches 24 hours a day EVERY day.  Having new ailments come about, which I’m pretty sure would not have, had I not had a TBI, or as many medications put through my system as I have.  No Mystery Arthritis, which is causing my hands to be unusable at times.  Sort of sucks when you use them for the only things you have left... Music and Art. No benign mass that I had to have removed, as well as a complete hysterectomy.  No memory problems, no Shakiness, no inability to retain information, no Adrenal fatigue, or inability to process the nutrients I take in effectively.  No sleep issues, No anxiety or agitation issues, (at least not debilitating ones).  Ah, but how can you know this you ask, pretty easy when you are an Identical twin.  But people don’t believe that, people have a hard time believing something they don’t understand.  It would be nice if people actually listened and tried though.  I’m tired…. always, but I do what I can to be productive.  Some days I don’t accomplish anything, or I have to cancel plans or appointments.  I HATE DOING THAT.  I know people get tired of me saying “I can’t I have a bad headache, or I don’t feel good”.   People quit asking, and I get it in some ways. In other ways I don’t. I feel like I’m in the movie “groundhog day”, constantly repeating it, and never getting it right.  Going to appointments, driving, and daylily activities all wear me completely out.  I’m told I need to get out more….I laugh. You tell me how, and with what money do you want me to do these things.  Everything costs something, from the cost of gas in my car to go somewhere, or to me being physically ill from walking somewhere; everything I do I must weigh and measure. Sometimes, I don’t and I think, “I’ll be able to do this today”, and then I pay even more.   My bank account is used up the first week of the month. That’s it, nothing left but the amount to keep it open. People don’t believe that either.  Again I hear, you look so healthy, well I’m not other than I’ve gained weight, and not healthy weight, which to them makes me, appear “healthy and good”.  When all you gain is fat, that’s not healthy. The weight I’ve gained has nothing good about it, and I physically Don’t FEEL GOOD.  Not ONCE in my life have I looked in a mirror, and "Liked" what I saw…. NOT ONCE in 37 years. I might like my shoes, or my hairstyle, but I hate, HATE everything else about myself; gaining weight does not help. 
 
I’m told, “you need to do what’s best for you”.  Really, because what seems best to me is ceasing to exist, and then I hear “don’t say that, you have purpose.”  Really what is my purpose?  I have two dogs to look after, one of which would rather be next door, so I rarely see him; and the other is 13, she won’t last forever.  I have no one to love, or love me back; I don’t have kids to raise, although I would love to.  Yet I long for these things. I want a family, a job, independence….I WANT LOVE AND PURPOSE. It would be nice to have friends that actually care; that don’t toss me away when I’ve served their purpose, or when they are tired of either my headaches, or my metal illness. It’s not something I’m proud of, or even like writing.  To me it’s a “weakness,” that’s how I’m treated about it, and it’s what I was taught growing up. I’m trying to get over that thought process, but it’s hard when you are treated like it is something you could just “choose” to change; and then have people saying it’s ok, it is an illness and we understand….except when they don’t. I am honest, hardworking, a person who has integrity. My life has never been easy; I’ve always battled something.  Whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or all the above…Hard times are my life.  But I still try to give, make someone else’s day better because I was taught to put others first.  That is what I do to feel like I did something worthwhile, even if only for a short time.
 
I’m asked again….”no, really what do you want”?  I want understanding; I want someone to actually listen before giving me his or her advice or opinion. I want people to look at things from a different perspective. To try and understand what it is like to constantly HURT, and have that pain be invisible to the world.  When I had my head shaved with staples and a scar, people were much more compassionate. When that “proof”, of something wrong goes away, so does the compassion.  I Want Love I want to GIVE Love, I want to wake up with a sense of purpose.  I want Peace. I would like to not have to deal with PTSD from being molested as a child; I want to have friends around still, who instead died from forms of Muscular Dystrophy when we were kids.  I want people to look up from their phones, to have actually human conversations; I’m not sure most people know how anymore.  I want to be heard. I want my Music to reach people, I want my Art to touch someone’s soul, and I want my writing to help others.  It’s not monetary things I want people, I simply want to live, to feel alive and worthwhile, instead of feeling dead.   Ironically the only place I really feel that is the same place that changed my life…..Volunteering at a camp for kids with cancer and their families!
 
Finally I’m told, “Well, maybe if you just try harder, keep working and fighting, God or the Universe, depending on what you believe, will help you and everything will be ok”.   It’s not ok, and I’m close to half way through my life. Tell me how I should feel “ok” about that.  I’m tired, my muscles are week, and I always give my best…. But my best never seems to be enough.  I am constantly trying new things, Constantly coming up with news ideas to try and be better, get out of debt, off the government “help”, which coincidently, most the time is more of problem than a helpful solution.  I do the job that my doctors should be doing; I do the job that my Caseworkers are supposed to be doing to help me.  I fall through the cracks, because I’m “better than most”.  Eventually it’s too much.  I’ve reached my max and I’m tired of this life, tired of my effort not being good enough. Tired of trying, failing, and having nothing change. I am not stupid, contrary to the belief of some. I’m actually quite smart despite my brain not working “normally”. Sometimes being smart has its downsides however, as you see the things others wouldn’t.  I’m tired of watching everyone I know move forward with his or her life. New jobs, new marriages, new anniversaries, new kids, new cars, new houses, new fill in the blank; While in my life nothing changes. I’m happy people are finding their soul mates, and having kids that I can mentor or coach or just hold.  I’m glad to be able to help when I can; and I’m Frustrated that I’m still Alone, Will probably never have kids, don’t have a  “real job”, because Art sales, Music tips, and anything for my writing, are far and few between; oh and aren’t considered “real jobs”!   I’m frustrated, that I even am complaining about these things, when I know others have things that are worse, or that is what society has decided is worse.  Yes, I agree things could be much Harder for me, I could have way more deficits or physical limitations than I do.  But let me ask you this; If you Graduated Outstanding Senior of your entire college, Was going to be a Marine; was a two sport Collegiate athlete, a Coach, Teacher, a Sax player, someone who loved to read, had excellent memory and comprehension, was in great physical shape with no limitations other than a sprained ankle once in a while; and you had ALL OF IT taken away.  How would you answer, “what is it you want out of life”, and actually have the stamina to keep Trying!  Everything that you had set out to be, gone in an instant.  NO matter how hard you tried, you could never be that person again, never do those things again; yet everyone expects you to get back to that person. You have to now have constant financial help just to live, are on government help, judged because you are on government help, are in a minority of people anyway because you “choose to be gay”, and there was no possible way you could get out of the debt you had accrued over the span of 10 years because of an injury you sustained while volunteering.  No one’s fault, but you still pay a price.  What would you respond with?  Would you respond, or would you be tired of no one really listening, and having their ideas already in their mind.   Would you just say, “I’m fine, I like my life”, so that you didn’t have to see the reaction from them when you voiced the truth. 

​I made up a story of all the great things I did today…..
So that you wouldn't ask, why I was in bed all day. 
I said things were fine,…. Even cracked a small smile,….
So you wouldn't know, I was on the floor all night crying. 
I drove around the block, when you said you were gonna stop by;
I didn't want you to see the hurt in my eyes. 
When you asked what I was planning to do next with my life,
I had no words, no ideas… your disappointment cut like a knife.
You told me, I needed to try harder…  and so I nodded.
You told me, I needed to change, to Grow up…so I shifted my eyes, and shrunk lower.
You told me, who I WAS… was a Lie….your words took my desire, to even try
You walked away… your last look towards me, filled with utter disdain.
I didn’t know what to do….my body shook, my mind raced.
I looked around, and saw nothing…
I called out…but heard no one
 
So, I made up a story…. and put it on paper…
A fictional work... full of non-fictional features.
You see, it doesn’t matter what I’ve done or didn’t do…
You see me ONE way…but it’s not the truth.
You think that what’s good for you…is good for me
But I’m nothing like you…and I’ll never be.
You think because my life isn’t what society says it should be…
That somehow I’m at fault and wrong….I’m not what a “girl” should be.
I’m still trying to figure out, exactly what that means.
 
I never said I liked who I am….I always wanted to be different, to be better….to be accepted….to be a Man.
Men got to do the things I loved….and when I beat them, I was chastised and told I Needed to stop.
I didn’t get a choice, of how I was born….Didn’t get to put my 2cents in
I was told exactly though, how I SHOULD be….Even if that meant, not being ME.
A woman should be graceful, obedient, and loyal….never mind if we are beaten,  emotionally abused, and broken.                                                            
It doesn’t matter that I’m smarter, stronger, and ready to work….I’m passed over…because I DON’T…
I don’t look the part because of my short hair,…. I don’t wear make-up to hide the years.
My scars and lines, are part of my story,….instead of judging,…. here’s my red shoes,… Start Walking.
I don’t dress how a woman “should”….., instead of blouses, purses and dresses,  I prefer Jeans, Backpacks and T-shirts.
I never liked dolls, or playing House,… I preferred to use my talents, practicing Sports,….Music,….or, pretty much anything else.
To this day I’m not sure what a “tomboy” actually is…..All I know, is it’s a stereotypical judgment, constantly thrown in my face.
Its definition is ever changing and construed.  In the 1550’s it meant being a “boisterous boy, and rude.”
Derived from the words “tom” + “boy” in the 1570’s it’s definition encouraged  “a girl to exercise, dress more sensible, and eat a wholesome diet”.
It continued to grow, and change, so that in the 1590’s it became,…. “A girl who acts like an A spirited boy”…. More positive….more  full of joy.
This trend continued through two world wars,… until the 20th century,…when Freud’s ideas took hold.
I’m still confused as to why people use it as a tool, to punish, or repress traits…. often associated with being great.
Be that as it may though,... Like any word or phrase, it can be used in a positive or negative way.
I may have been raised one-way,….while you another.
But why do you judge me based on our parent’s ideas….
Never asking…just assuming,…. that I believe the same, and follow their lead
But, I’m not a sheep, I don’t follow,…. I’m a wolf….I LEAD.
I take your ideas and spin them around….Mix them with mine, till a solution is found.
The truth is, I look at things differently,...Instead of one perspective, I have Many.
I see things from my childhood view, where my identical twin was picked on for being sick,…. Because she had rings under her eyes, from the medications that were saving her life.….So yea, I have a protective side.
I see things, from wanting to be someone else…. So yes, I know what its like to feel utter disgust with ones self. 
I know what it’s like to feel sick at the sight of your own reflection…so yes, I also know what it’s like to want to end it.
I know what it’s like to see something, miles ahead of others, …to make a pass…that no one else could see coming….to already know the outcome.
I see things from being both an athlete and a coach….I know what it’s like to watch your dream spin out of control….
To sit on the sidelines while someone takes your place,…. or to have to  pull a player to keep them safe….
I know the heartache that it can bring... being a professional athlete was one of my dreams.
I know what it’s like to be great at something and have it taken away…. I was going to be one of the Few, the Proud,….A Marine.
Instead of a Metal Sword and Dress blues, I have a TBI, with Titanium Plates and Screws….
So yes, I’m somewhat angry and depressed…. Sort of sucks when you can’t work or support yourself.
My whole life I’ve strived to be the best. Now, I’m looked at as a bottom feeder who is taking advantage of the system….So yes, I know what its like to be treated less than.
I see from a perspective, of someone who is legally disabled, unable to achieve anything I ever dreamed of…. I look fine, so I must be feeling better… Guess that’s the problem with an invisible illness.
I know what it’s like to have people stare as you walk by….not fully knowing whether you’re a girl or a guy…
So yes, I know what it’s like to have to keep silent….always be on guard, because you could be beaten up at any moment.
When I would walk into restrooms and was told to leave, based on my appearance…. I saw the pain, and embarrassment it caused my parents.
Or even worse, instead of letting me leave,.. I see from a perspective, of having to prove that I was in the correct bathroom to pee.
The worst part was, and is, the fact that Parents hush their kids,…not making eye contact, while telling them to hurry along,…. because, well, I must be perverted and wrong.
I see things from a confused adult, or child’s view,…
There are times I wasn’t sure of the gender I was standing next to,
The difference for me though, compared to most…., is that instead of judging, I’m usually looking at their hair, shoes or clothes.
The fact of the matter is, in these moments I feel less alone,…and, if I’m feeling a brave,… I will comment on the fact that we both have great taste.
In that moment there is a connection,… whether it’s based off of a watch, smile or hairstyle,…. we become each other’s reflection.
I know what it’s like to be judged from both sides of the aisle….Never being able to satisfy either.
Both sides think they know me, or know what’s best for me.
Instead of assuming, maybe, you should be asking…questioning…
Ask me what I think, for my ideas, and insights….maybe then you could formulate your own opinions….Instead of assuming, you are always RIGHT
Watch how I lead…. I don’t need to boast so others can see…
I don’t put others down,…. nor do I need praise, to build myself worth…..to know something will succeed.
I don’t let fear run me, even though I could….Doesn’t do me or you any good.
My whole life, I’ve been deemed “Wrong”…..put in boxes dependent upon… unlearned characteristics given at birth,…..as well as Characteristics Learned from my time on this Earth.
Don’t get me wrong, I will always fight for what I believe in….but I will also listen to someone,… even if I initially disagree with their opinion.
I’m Loyal and Honest,….I try to be Fair and Just…to always dig deeper never taking things at face value., in order to find the truth.
 
When you’re constantly ridiculed as a child, told you are wrong….you learn one of two things…
That you have ambition, courage, and strength,… always knowing your place
Or,…. that you are a bully, arrogant and weak…..constantly trying to be something you ain’t.
Sort of seems like a contradiction,  doesn’t it?
We praise men who formulate new ideas, by thinking outside the box,
While we teach Women, to stay between the lines….never to stray…to be submissive, and follow someone else’s lead.
Society has taken the greatness of one Gender…. and put it above the other.
Different roles, for the same job, ….Different clothes to set us apart, Pink for one and Blue the other,…. When in reality there is multitude of Color.
You might think I’m being a Feminist….yet, others when asked, would call me Conservative…..
You see I don’t fit in a box, or follow the lines…I make my own path, MY own LIFE…
If I constantly jumped every time Society changed its mind…I would have been able to dunk at the age of 5.
Even if you move away from the above-mentioned stereotypes,,…I’m still judged… on things most people can’t comprehend, and aren’t even willing to try and understand.…
Let’s close our eyes for a moment….think back to when we were kids with no judgment.
It didn’t matter what type of clothes you wore,… whether you were polka dotted, striped, or some other color.
It didn’t matter if you were disabled or sick,… all that mattered, is that you loved each other,… and were friends.
Now try, to remember the first time you were scolded, for simply trying to be nice to another….Hurts doesn’t it? ….I bet you can’t even tell me why,…. because there was no way to understand it at the time.
The answers we come up with, as to why someone or something is “wrong” or Different,…. are purely based on the interpretation’s taught to us by authority figures.
Do you really think, someone would choose to hate themselves, because of their attraction to someone else?  To contemplate suicide, or choose to live a life, where they are despised and treated as Pariah….simply because they live a different way life.
Do you really think, that I would choose to conform and bend my standards, to appease your uninformed and misguided agendas?
Do you see me as someone who is merely playing along, filling a Role, that society has created… based upon…Fear, Misunderstanding, and the Power one can have over another?
Or, have you watched me from when I was very young… from when I first started asking the questions.
If the answer is the latter,  you should know that I’ve never sat by, believing things I’m told, without further research…and asking WHY??
How can you say I’ve been brainwashed, when no ones’ brain waves are the exact same…Believe me, I’m an expert when it comes to this game.
The first thing they told me after my TBI, is that no one’s injury is the same so never stop trying…But hey, lets take back even further to being born an identical twin….Genetically, 99% the same, yet, we are different in almost every way.
Ask anyone who grew up with us….they’ll tell you how different and unalike we were,… but they’ll also tell you how much we protected and loved each other.
Teachers and Friends alike could point out our differences…. One an extrovert,…. the other the complete opposite.  
Even back then, I knew we weren’t the same…..yet I loved her more than words could ever portray.
 
We are all different, we all have our good traits and what are seen as “bad,”… But are you so arrogant and jaded,… that you can’t see the importance of compassion and diversity in this world?
Do you think someone would knowingly choose to be Lesbian, bi, questioning, trans, or gay….
When the ramifications are isolation, humiliation, being astringed from family and inner hate?
I’ve been fighting a system my entire life,…full of accusations, based on false truths…. lies,
I’ve been told God hates me that I’m going to hell…by the same people who taught me that Jesus loves All. 
They say I’m a sinner…..while they think they are saints, but I was taught we are all born One way.
Born into sin…,because of someone else’s lie…. 
Interesting, don’t you think,… how history changes…. Along, with what the majority thinks is “right”.  ...
I will agree, I’m not perfect, but not because of who I am,… not because of how I dress, or my hairstyle, or that I’d rather play football than sit and knit.
I’m not perfect because I’m human…simply trying to live a life….  that helps others,…shows love…. that unites instead of diversifies.
So ask me what I think,… ask me Why? 
Know that my reply may not be what you wanted to hear….but it will be honest…it will be sincere.
It may, on the other hand, give you new insight …so that something you thought was Wrong….you now see as Right..
I am not asking you to change your values or beliefs,… I’m just asking you to listen to someone you may initially disagree with.
It’s not always about agreeing with each other, or changing someone’s mind….Its about giving someone a new perspective to make a decision about life…..
No where does it state, that unification can only come by blindly following like Sheep….Unification comes from the ability to step back and see…
To look at something from a broader view,…., to become the shepherd that sees things so minute,…. so quickly,…  that he knows where each head in his flock is….to see the danger before it approaches.
Life is not all roses, there are lots of weeds to be pulled…..but one must know the difference in how they look.
So, perhaps we agree to simply disagree….instead of hate filled accusations. lets do so respectfully,….. with open hearts and a willingness to learn…only then do we make sound decisions that we can learn from.
So I wrote a story about my life…put it down on paper to that I could try
To show you a truth you may not have knows, to show you how we can become One!
A story of fiction….with characters that contradict each other… but if you truly read and listened,…..you’ll discover it’s all Non-Fiction!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

It's been a Year. A year of struggling every single day to get up
A struggle to Stay Alive.... A struggle to find any sort of peace.
Questions unanswered, leave me with no resolve…..
So, my mind goes in circles of “Why’s”,  “what if’s” and “if Only’s”.
Other events have occurred prior to today, but they are not the same.
 
No Today is very much different…… 
Today starts the day of 7 suicides in 5 months for me in 2015. Jamison, was the first a 13 year old boy; The second my Uncle Nov. 3rd; The fourth another 15 year old from Laurel; The fifth my Second Cousin who I actually knew; the 6th a Young man named Collin who I watched grow up; and was close with his family through the music we shared. The 7th a friend of mine's husband.
 
SEVEN Suicides in less than 5 months.  then you add in the other deaths, Nick Feb 23; Masen April 12. The anniversary of my second head surgery, which did not solve any problems other than taking the metal out….and not even all of it.
It only made things worse,……. More deficits, less success.
A severe Concussion, that some don’t even believe me about. Because “I have a Brain injury” so I must be remembering wrong.
But I see, better than most,…
I’m not blind to the fact that people tend to use me.
I don’t mind helping others, as that’s one thing I can still do. But not always with what they need, or when they need it.
I can’t predict migraines, or really bad days.
I can predict weather changes, as my headaches go through the roof. It’s very hard to find peace…. when you feel constant pain…in more than one.
Physical pain I can handle a lot of…
Mental and emotional pain for 365 days…… well I don’t know how much longer I can take it.
My TBI turned my life upside down, and just kept shaking it around, never giving me a break….not even now.
Some, still don’t believe I have headaches every day,…
Don’t believe me when I say I can’t work……
Don’t believe me…… period.
People don’t see the pain, the injury the deficits…
Why?....People only see what they want to, they are blind.
I’m asked How I’m doing…..but no one wants the real answers so I act the part say I’m fine.
For most, that’s good enough.
Some know it’s not the truth, but go along anyway…..it’s easier.
I get told of countless things that will help,…..Get me “back to the old me”.
I constantly hear “keep fighting, you’ll get through….:You have so many great qualities to share.
Really?...... Interesting since I have no one to share them with.
And……Get through what exactly? 
You don’t know “what”…..I haven’t even told you 10% of what I have to deal with every day.
10% is usually more than most can handle.
And the percentage rate is only going up for me, but I keep it down for you.
Most nights I spend on the floor in my room alone.
I have for over a year…..sometimes music is there, other times it’s not.
I spent nights on bridges,…
Nights  in rivers with the supplies needed to carry out my task.
I’ve spent countless hours making sure everything is “in place”, because I know how hard it is.
No one has seen all of me…and I don’t see the point in telling it all.
People are blind, they don’t see, and some don’t want to see……They prefer to live in a fantasy of… “who I was”.
Some knew I was struggling, but NO ONE knew how much. 
I’ve come close several times of being the 8th Suicide…. “8” one of  my favorite numbers. Seems fitting.
For me my life has No purpose,….
No meaning, nothing to be proud of,
Just one failure after the other.
People tell me how wonderful I am,….  that we should hang out more….
That’d be great but it never happens.
So, you tell me…… what’s so wonderful about my life,
You tell me, knowing only this little bit, how you would continue?
I have no one to really depend on; Mary would be the closest.
I won’t I let my guard down again,….,
I only get hurt, abandoned, and burned.
My year is now on repeat; I’ve tried lots of different things to “get better”, to “be Happy”. 
Nothing works, not long term….Not even music.
I have one day a week I look forward to…..that is all.
That day I get to go play music with an amazing musician, but also an amazing Friend.
A friend who gives advice, but only when asked.  
If I could stay in those moments…..it would be great.
The reality is I try….and fail.
More and More things,….. are being Taken away,
it seems….. almost daily.
New medical issues, that people don’t know of. But are pretty significant.
But hey…..it’s not another head problem right?.....wrong everything is connected. That’s how our bodies work.
I’ve tried to re-connect with people, but everyone’s lives are moving forward. 
They’ve passed me, and I’m just stuck here, in this Blackness that is my life.
My brain won’t let me forget the things I want to forget,….
It won’t let me remember what I need to……and plays games with my heart.
So, The questions still remain…..The burning pain inside me remains.
 
I can handle you saying you don’t want to hang out. I’ve never had a lot of friends.
What I can’t handle is the constant limbo…..
You saying you’re here for me, when in all actuality you are not.
You are unavailable…..Unwilling, or have finally just gotten tired of me. I don’t know which it is.
I know this, what I see on facebook is not what I’m being told.
So, I’m glad you’re happy living you’re life, I wish that for everyone.
But please don’t ask me about my life, or say we’ll “get together”, when it won’t happen.
I know I’m only a part of people’s lives for so long. Usually because they get tired of me saying I can’t do something.
It’s not like I don’t want to People,….Try keeping that in mind.
So, I try to Push through, I was an athlete that’s what you do.
But you can’t push through a TBI, or the other things I now suffer with.
I can’t play any sports or work out…. I literally throw up,
I haven’t watched any sports,…..It’s too hard……
It’s too hard to watch my friends play, when I know I will never get to play again.
You have no idea how much that sucks for me.
My whole life was centered around Sports and Music.
I still have music, In some ways…..but I can’t play the main instrument I was good at…
My 5K dollar sax just sits in my closet.
I try to play….to push through…..I pay the price every time.
 
Ah, but people don’t see that, They didn’t see it a year ago, and they don’t see it now….
They just see the good things I post or do ……
( i.e. my fundraiser for my sisters, new pictures, videos of songs, etc.)
So I must be doing ok right?…….WRONG it’s what I came up with that night to get through the pain.
My year is now on repeat; I’ve tried lots of different things to “get better”, to “be Happy”. 
Nothing works, not long term….Not even music.
So I create more pain, because it confuses my brain….In that moment I can actually Breath.
A real Breath……. letting some of the tension go.
Otherwise I cannot.
Shallow breaths, fear, anxiety depression, agitation, and more keep me from it.
It seems as though the more I try…. The more gets taken away.
If I was to play my hand of cards, I would fold…. I don’t even know what the cards are, as they drip with black and red ink, undistinguishable. 
I’m tired of trying, tired of people saying they need me, when they really don’t.
I’m tired of living a life that is not mine….
I was going to  be a Marine in 2007.
Instead….I am now a 36year old, who has nothing, can’t live on my own….. I’m chained, and I’m trying to break free…… But The chain is too tight, and too thick.
I hate my life…..People don’t want to hear it, and they don’t understand it.
I can’t make you understand….I’ve tried to give you the tools and words.
I’ve tried a lot longer than most……but it’s still not good enough.
I’m still trying…the very act of me writing this, is me trying to kill time, to beat it somehow.
My brain won’t let me forget the things I want to forget, It won’t let me remember what I need to.
I’m just stuck here, in this Blackness that is my life.
My body is failing me….in many ways.
So don’t say you love me, when you don’t’.
What you love ,is the idea of “the old me”…..
 or me “getting better……finding love and happiness.
Some people don’t get those things….and so…….
The questions still remain…  

​I haven't posted anything in regards to the Horrible shootings in OR, and I don’t usually post things when tragedies like this happen; because I know it will just create arguments based on initial "knee Jerk" reactions; somewhat based on Party lines (Conservative vs. Liberal), and how someone interprets the Law (strict or Loose constructionism) I won’t go into a history lesson, but some of you will know what I mean.   So, instead of actually listening, instead of disregarding whether someone is conservative or liberal, we lash out with hateful words, Anger, and sometimes-misguided responses. If that is something that happens because of this post, so be it, this is my Choice, and I will accept the Consequences, good, bad, or indifferent. Sometimes Silence is used to hide from conflict, but the conflict already exists, it just a matter of whether you can stand there and bare the weight of your beliefs; if you’re courageous enough to stand in the middle while stones are thrown. If you are humbled enough to not lash back; and are a person of integrity, you willing to listen to someone else without loosing sight of your own convictions.
 
It's sad, that we put the focus on the guns, when the issue at hand really seemed to be Christianity and the hurt and anger of a young man.  I was raised Christian, and I've had my doubts, issues, even hated God at points in my life, but not once did I forget that this Nation was founded on The principles taught in the Bible.  You see I don’t fit the “Christian” face, of what some people would normally see. In fact I’m The one other Christians regard as a “sinner” “unworthy” etc. , but you can’t be a Christian without knowing a TRUE Christian follows principles, of love, not hate, of acceptance, not judging, of helping, not pushing away. 
 
So, if you don’t like the term Christianity, how about the term Humanity. Christianity is a religion, and you can be religious or spiritual without following the agenda of False Christianity, (and yes it exsists), just like it does in any other major Religion. We know not all Muslims are bad, Yet many put all Muslims who follow the Religion of Islam into a category of “bad”….they take the Humanity out of it. It’s not the Faith, the Spirituality that is bad (whether you agree with the teaching is irrelevant) it’s the few who Misconstrue it, who put themselves above others, and their faith. Who decide others must die, if they don’t believe Exactly what they believe.  People are quick to point out, the “crazy Christians” who push their agenda on others, tell you you’re going to hell for things beyond your control, and forget that they are sinners too. A real Christian KNOWS they have sinned and will continue to do so, that judging others and casting them out is the complete opposite of what Jesus taught, of what true Christianity is. Because Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Hinduism, and other religions all have one thing in common….they are all followed by Humans, looking for something to believe in, something to follow, to belong to, and for guidance.  HUMANITY, and the ability to Love one another, even amongst our differences; that is what true religion/faith, and spirituality is.
 
In fact, that is why this country was founded; to escape Religious Persecution.  I will say I'm deeply saddened by the response of our President, who thinks "Guns" are the problem.  Who fails to acknowledge that this country is Based on CHRISTIAN principles; and Fails to acknowledge that we are now a corrupt country who is more concerned with party lines, than with the common good, more concerned with helping other countries, than the people inside our own country suffering. He, along with previous presidents and cabinets, have pushed God, The 10 Commandments, and other Christian based values out of Schools, out of government, out of the policies and ideas that brought this country together.  Maybe if some of these values were still in our schools, we wouldn’t see the devastation of acts like this, maybe people would again value one another.
 
9-11-2001, is a prime example of how when push comes to shove, and our country is put to the test, we band together under the values of our forefathers. I'm not forcing an agenda, because I don't have one.  In fact I go back and forth with many things I was taught or have learned in adulthood. I can’t tell you why bad things happen, Believe me I question this daily. I question why would God make me “wrong”, but I’ve never questioned whether there is a Higher power.  I’ve questioned religions, I learned about all of them, and thought of “converting” but I would never persecute someone else based on my beliefs.  I’ve stuck with God, and Christianity, because the overall message of love, acceptance and honesty is one I believe in. I’m not asking you to change your beliefs or faith;  So, please don't tell me my rights aren't as important as others. I have freedom of speech  and free will too.
 
So, now again we face a tragedy; and some will blame God, and ask where was He. I can't answer that.  I get angry about things like this, and when children die from diseases, I get mad, and ask “Why”? But I’ve also seen things that don’t make sense without having some sort of higher power intervening. So yes, I get angry and question, and I rarely get answers….but maybe they aren’t mine to have. I’m not Entitled to anything, and that includes Knowledge of why things like this happen. I could blame others; I could do all the things many are doing right now, blame things they can control, or at least seemingly control. But it won’t fix anything. Until we start valuing life, Each other, and the humanity of one another; and understanding that we are all in need of help at sometime in our lives, then the cycle will continue.
 
 Now people send prayers, hold candlelight vigils and ask God to take the pain away.....where was the prayer and belief before the tragedy? It doesn't just have to be this tragedy either. How about the Drunk Driver who kills a family, because he/she decided to get behind the wheel. It wasn’t the Car’s fault; it was the actions of an individual.  So lets be clear, we all have Freedoms afforded to us by the Constitution, if you haven't read it in a while you should. All our Money says "In God we Trust", (obviously we don't).  Only when tragedies happen do we bring God back into the picture….seems a bit contradictory to me. You can’t have good without the bad, that is the essence of life. No one is perfect, nor is anyone’s life, it would be nice, and man Do I Try, thinking maybe I can be the first PERFECT Human. (Ok I fully know this is impossible, yet I strive for it; why?) We are taught to strive for Perfection in everything we do, and then we wonder why so many people feel like failures, and lash out.  Grief, anger, hatred, not just for others, but for our own self is what triggers these kind of tragedies. Some take it out on others in some form, others just end their own lives, all of them though are tragedies caused by Doubt, by hurt, by PAIN.  How about striving for compassion, for Acceptance, and Love.  The problem isn't Guns (as the President and others would push for you to believe), The people killed were killed because they said they were Christians, it was an act by a PERSON with an agenda. I don't know why, or even what it really was, all I know is Families are now broken, including his own. The Country sends out condolences and prayers to the families, victims, and those recovering from the tragedy. But for how long, it seems our memories are short, until another act of violence is carried out. Lives are changed forever, and our prayers or Caring thoughts should be forever as well.  
 
So, after careful consideration of the backlash I might receive, I decided to post this: This is not a Gun issue, not a 2nd amendment issue. Just as a Gun cannot commit a crime, neither can a Car. We don't all the sudden blame a vehicle when a drunk driver gets behind the wheel and kills a family. Cars don't kill people. People Kill People, People Sin and Hurt People. People, take others rights, while putting theirs above someone else’s based on false lies. If you have less;  less money, less religious conviction, different Religious convictions, different Political agendas then you are wrong. This is such a backwards way of thinking I wonder how “leaders” can even come up with some of these ideas. Last time I looked we were all Americans, a part of The United States of America, but even beyond that we are all Human!  So lets act United, and help those in need, in our country, get kids off the streets, eradicate abuse in all forms, start teaching that we are all responsible for our own actions, we have choices, and consequences based on those decisions. The consequences may be good or bad, but they are still a result of our own actions.  We are NOT ENTITLED to anything, some people have it better than others or so it may seem, but having all the money in the world does not make someone rich. Helping those who have less than us, giving the little money I might have to help someone else, that is what being a Christian is, that is what being Human is and as close to Perfection as I will ever get.  I ask that you don’t make this about guns, make it about people, and make it about loving those around us even if their ideas differ from ours. Make it about acceptance; about taking responsibility for our own actions, (no one else can make you do anything). By uniting to show America is a nation who helps it’s own, just as much as we tend to help other countries. Lets take care of each other, put the blame down, and truly just Love someone for being. 

So tired of the Conservative vs. Liberal debate. Always having to pick a side, no matter what arena we are in. Quit being so petty people, YOU are not the center of the universe, try showing some compassion for those around you, Pay it forward, give back, even when you don't "feel" like it. Guess what Feelings lie....and can fool even the smartest person into stupidity. Life goes by fast, and no one knows what the next day, minute, or even second holds. Get out of your heads and start listening with your heart. I don't care what race you are, (because we are all the same race= human). Yea we might have different skin colors, hair, different shaped eyes, or faces, things unique to geography, not unique to being human. I don’t care about your gender, you're sexuality, Whether you’re married or single, a pro athlete, or on disability......everyone of us is Human. Everyone, no matter where you fall on the "spectrum of classes" we've created, deserves the chance to live their dream, to help others, to find Love, and to Love themselves.

Quit putting each other down, Quit putting yourself Down (I'm not good at this), and start truly living with Integrity, honesty, love compassion, courage, strength; and stop using the Entitlement" Card as though it’s something that actually exists. No one owes you anything, you are not entitled to win you have to work for it; you are not entitled to get a car, to have money, to find love….all of these things, LIFE, takes Work.  You want a good relationship?.... Then you have to work at it, you can’t just throw in the towel because suddenly it became hard. Sure some days are easy, but other days, you are in the trenches building bridges, meeting each other halfway and eventually putting the other’s needs before your own; or ultimately reaching an agreement that allows for both sides to feel validated. Do you know why The Greatest Generation made it…..Because they weren’t willing to sacrifice integrity for easy, they weren’t willing to give up on someone, to give their word and not follow through. My grandparents were married 63 years….Just Let that Sink In.  That generation had less divorce, because they WORKED at it. I’ve talked with My great Aunt whose husband died when I was 9, she’s lived the rest of her life alone; “why” I asked one day, “don’t you think Uncle Mike would want you to be taken care of, to be happy”… Her response was this “I’ve never been happier than when I was married to your Uncle, I can take care of myself, I don’t need a man to do that for me, your Uncle taught me how to Work.”  She worked at the same job from, the bottom to the top, as one of the best Jeweler’s in Billings for 30 years. I’m sure there were days she didn’t want to work, or days where she thought of quitting, but she didn’t, she PERSERVERED; Not many people I know would even consider working at one place for that long. LOYALTY, not just to their partners, but to their work, to their families, and to themselves. Because your word was your bond, a hand shake as good as writing it on paper.  People traded goods, or work with each other, because no one had money during the Depression and the War. People banded together, for the common good of the country.

Yes, there were things that were not good, Discrimination, Child Labor, Putting people with Disabilities in institutions, and many other forms of discrimination. I know there are many more I’m not thinking of right now.  But, it was also the time when new paths were paved to make things better, to try and right some of the wrongs. Family came first. And America was based on the founding fathers ideals. There was a moral code, one that seems to no longer exist.  Read the constitution, read the Declaration of Independence. We are a nation that was created as a Christian Nation, like it or not, that is how it is. If you don’t like it there are plenty of other places to live. We are a nation who used to value the flag, stand behind our troops. We used to be “one Nation Under God, Indivisible…”  Now it seems as everything divides us, no one cares about the betterment of one and another, only themselves.  It’s now a place of inopportunity, not opportunity. Each political side blaming the other for it’s faults and failures. Guess what…..They are people too, people make mistakes, but really the problem doesn’t lie with just one person, it lies with the idea that the Political party, and their agenda, is more important than what someone believes to be morally right. When you vote you have to choose Democrat or Republican, and only use one ballot. I disagree with this, certain things I agree more with the Democratic Party on, but more often than not I’m more on the Republican side. But why does their have to be sides. Why can’t we vote in the people that are going to represent US…. That is what it’s supposed to be, yet now it seems as though no one has a voice, our votes mean nothing. The values, and ideas that my Grandfather fought for, that my Cousin Fights for, as well as many friends, have been lost to a society that values Themselves more than what’s best for the whole.  So before you blame the previous president for the deficit, or whatever it is you’re blaming them for, look at the cabinets, and who was running the house and senate. Look up the voting records for your representatives and senators, it might surprise you how often they vote with the party instead of how they said they would vote for what is best for your state.  It’s supposed to be a system of checks and balances but even that has been tainted. I don’t have the answers other than to try and learn from our mistakes; live with integrity, stop blaming one another, and start working together.

Also, Parents, It’s your job to raise your children not Educators, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Babysitters, etc. They can help in certain areas, but it’s your job ultimately. Educators are there to help your children become literate, capable human beings, who can write, and formulate decisions….they are not Glorified baby-sitters. I am a teacher, or at least was a teacher…yes Kids need help, and for some the teacher is the only Adult in their lives that accepts them and helps them, they become role models, and someone that student can trust, and talk to. Great!!! I’m all for that, just not the “it’s not my responsibility to teach my children right from wrong or moral values” THAT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, if you don’t like it you shouldn’t have become a parent.  Teachers are there to teach, not to hand out A’s for someone who doesn’t want to work, but whose parent or parents have pull in the system. Parents (and I’m not one) teach your children Respect, how to work hard, how to be a part of family, and why it’s important. Eat meals together, Learn about each other’s days, and give support as often as needed. You have to work for those things, and continue to work on most of them as you continue down your road. If you make a commitment to someone Keep it, even when it's hard, Arguments happen, but your word is your bond, If you can't be trusted to keep your word, it is worth nothing. If you're Married, or in a relationship, it takes WORK....life is not some fairytale! People argue, disagree, but we live in a “throw Away Society” or the “next Best thing”; unlike my grandparents who survived the Great Depression WWII, the Korean War, Vietnam, and a multitude of other events, and tragedies on the farm because why?.....They were willing to put in the work, to make it better, to take Vows seriously, and to truly take care of one another. I was able to see this in the couple of years that I took care of my grandparents: they were Married 63 years!!! I’m sure they had their “what if” thoughts, and “how do we continue to love one another’ through some really difficult times”? The answer:  “HARD WORK, RESPECT, HONOR, TRUST And LOVE” .  Respect is Earned, But love should just be…..Be Available to whomever, whenever it's needed. We all need help at some point, some more than others, that's just life. Is it Fair....NO WAY! I get angry with God (yes I believe in God), when Children get these horrible diseases, their lives cut short. I also learn more from them in their short lives, than I will ever learn on my own. Their spirits are amazing, Courage indescribable, Love unconditional. I Get mad that I can’t live the life I wanted, in more ways than one, That I am completely dependent on the government and my family to support me. I never dreamed I would be in the situation I’m in. But I still live by the code of “my word is my bond” if I say something I mean it, end of story. Integrity, Honesty, Loyalty, and Patriotism, are what I base my life and values on.

So, As you go about your lives, start looking around, I mean really noticing what’s important, and what are just “things that society has placed value on”. Be honest, Live fully, Love unconditionally, and Give back when you can. Because if everyone started doing a little more for others, the chain reaction would be amazing to watch.  Enemies would become Allies, Marriages would last, (or if you don’t like marriage, relationships would last), People would put the people they care about above themselves; but would also strive to be the best they can be. We all have choices, as individuals, as a society, and as a human race…..Lets start making them based off of helping one another and love, instead of entitlement and hate. Thank you!!!

 

This is important, true on so many levels for me; and I'm so grateful that someone else can put it into words and speak it so that people can understand what it's like to feel like you can't be you; because of the black and white that has seemingly taken over our societal thinking. So Please watch, and if so inclined you can read my comment. Thanks.

This was my initial response, I hope for some it adds knew knowledge and an awaking of what it's like to be me. 


" As it's 4am, and my brain is medicated to help me "sleep".   I feel It's in everyone's best interest for me to engage in what I want to write later on....the problem is I'm not sure I'll remember to come back to it thanks to my TBI, Mental Illness, and and all the problems they cause; compounded by the many pills, that Doctors say will "fix" me. So I write, knowing full well, I will not remember what I have written come "morning".  I will write because it's what I know to how to do, and even though I would be deemed "incoherent, and not with it", I will write what it is I feel, and know from the video. So, I will leave it at this: Why do I need to be fixed? What is so wrong with me just being me? You can't fix me being gay, You can't change what I wear, my hairstyle; you can't make me more feminine.....because I am anything but that. You can't take the shame, or the Pride I have of just being me. You can't fix my emotional trauma from being molested as a young child, you can't fix the feelings of inadequacy, Unrelenting confusion, pain, and the inability to fit in. 


I'm not "girly enough", but I'm not a guy, I feel like a Half-half: I am a girl, yet many of my qualities are more masculine. so I am also part boy. I'm told I'm wrong no matter what: being gay is wrong, possibly being transgender is wrong, or not knowing or being able to decide Exactly who I am is Wrong. My very being....not even what I am doing is inherently WRONG! I hate Me, I hate mirrors, yet there are times I feel as though I'm invincible it's called bipolar, and somewhat schizo. It's called Severe depression and an inability to connect. It's called an aversion to touch, OCD, Anxiety, Depression, Sick, and WRONG, along with a myriad of other terms used to describe me.  How many can say the same thing? My entire life I've been mistaken for a young man, a guy, a son; and each time the feelings you described in your talk rush over me, except there is one difference.....at times I wish I was a son, a young man, or a guy. Why? Many reasons, but One huge one is the fact that if I was a guy, I would be "ok". Because If I was a guy, liking girls/women, would be ok, it would be ok to swear, and play football, and lift heavy things, have muscles, short hair, and the mentality of "I'm a man therefore, I am better than anyone, but especially woman". I am entitled to "_______"; and women are something to be conquered, not respected. I would get paid what I'm worth, instead of looked at as a disease to be treated, and paid as little as possible to satisfy the quota of what the Law allows. I wouldn't be told " I let you win" it would be ok for me to walk into a mechanic's shop and know what i'm talking about, telling them what's wrong and can you please fix it, in stead of them telling me "oh it's probably not that," and try to sell me things I don't need. But then there is the embarrassment of being called something I'm not, something my dad would get so upset over, and tell me I needed to be more feminine, and stop acting like a boy.....even though I was taught to play football, to stand up for myself, to be strong. How could I be both? It's not like I set out in life to make a statement.  Even from a  young age, I was interested in what would be considered more Masculine things.  IT's just WHO I WAS, and AM.  I loved football, no one taught me to love it. I loved fighting, standing up for others, especially my sister and mom, Cars, Motorcycles, Jets, gun's, Karate, etc. Why, I don't know I just did, and it wasn't a phase, it's how I've been my entire life.


I am  Embarrassed and ashamed that a young child is reprimanded for simply asking the question "are you a boy or a girl" and when I answer them they take it as is, and move on, or say "why do you have short hair, or wear boy's clothes?".   I'm not sure when Jeans and t-shirts became "boy clothes"; but it doesn't bother me, I just explain that's How I'm comfortable, and then probably tell them something that we have in common based on who asked, what they are wearing, their gender and how I can best put them at ease; even if inside I'm dying. The mom or dad is still upset and says "you don't ask those things" and reprimands \ the child.....Really?  Because. I'd rather them ask, and allow me the opportunity to be able to tell them "it's ok to be who you are, and not everyone's the same",  than have them stare at me like I'm a two headed monster. I can tell them that everyone is different but the most important thing is what's on the inside. Are you honest? ,Do you work hard, have dreams, are you compassionate, understanding, Inquisitive, respectful, etc. because those are the things that matter; not the fact that I have a pair of jeans on that were bought in the men's section, because the pockets. are actually functional, and the jeans are not so tight that I feel like i'm wearing tights. 


The idea of duality holding two things, 4 things, etc, is something I can relate too. Picking my battles, and not worrying about the looks and stares I'm getting as I walk into the women's restroom. Yes it hurts, stings, and makes me angry, but it also makes me......me. Being as Authentic as I can be while I try to put my life back together, and figure out who am I really? I recently went to my first PRIDE parade, and felt completely inadequate, out of place, embarrassed; scarred someone I know would see me, confused; and at the same time Proud to be with my friends, wearing a bracelet made in Peru that was rainbow colored. Duality, trying to live with all the feelings that flood my system. Trying to balance being raised a conservative Christian, and not fitting on the political side of my friends, but instead somewhere in the middle. But when there is no grey, I find myself picked on like I don't belong, because I'm not choosing a side. Isn't that part of the problem\; is that we even have to choose a side?  I choose to live compassionately, respectful of others and their beliefs, as well as my own. and with integrity. If someone doesn't want to make a cake for a gay or lesbian couple fine......Don't put them out of business just to set an example. If you need to fine them for breaking some law, ok; but it shouldn't supersede what the cake was worth; and honestly why do you want a cake from someone who doesn't support you, there are plenty of bakers that do. Yes advocacy is important but so is the ability to live with others who don't share you're beliefs. There is more I want to say, but can't see the screen anymore, so I will stop there for now. Thank you for yet another great speech on such an important topic.

Sometimes, at night, I wonder what it would be like to just fall asleep without a care. I mean Really sleep, to dream, and wake up feeling energetic, refreshed, ready for whatever comes your way. I wonder how can people be so happy in the morning, but then I guess you could consider the hours that I write things; or do art as early morning hours.
But I don't find peace, relaxation, or happiness at these times. I'm just awake. My Mind wandering from one thing to the next, unable to keep up, unable to slow it down. So tired but can't sleep. So, I write, I create beats, or I play my guitar. Funny, before I would have picked up a new book and finished it in two days. Now it's not even fun to read, because I can't remember what I read. 
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to say what you think, or feel; but to say it in a way that is respectful to those around you who may disagree. Sometimes I wonder What people think, when they see me. Especially when I'm at Liquid Planetj working away, and watching people come and go as I stay. Some have called me lazy, others courageous; some say they love me, others say they hate me; and so it goes in every area of my life. I live in a constant state of imbalance, waiting for the next thing. Whether that be new meds, PT, Voc Rehab, or surgery, one never really knows.
Sometimes I wonder, what it would be like to not have mental illness. To not have to worry about depression, or suicidal thoughts, To not hear voices, and things, to not be fatigued all the time. I wonder where I fit on the line of Genius and Crazy; because I think it's a fine line.  
Sometimes I wonder, if I'd never fallen, how would the last 8 years of my life been different. Would I have joined the military....probably, I would still be playing sports, I'd have my own place and be able to financially support myself. I might even adopt a kid, I don't know. But it doesn't really matter does it, because the fact is I did suffer TBI 8 years ago, I do suffer from chronic daily headaches/migraines, nausea, fatigue, balance, Memory problems, Severe Depression, Suicidal thoughts, and that I'm on Disability and have to have people supporting me. I wonder what it would like to be completely independent, to not have to rely on anyone. I wonder if people knew me, all of me, would they still feel the same way about me? I may never know, as my walls are thick and high,  
Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to sleep.